A Conversation with Bella

  I know this is a very random post considering how long it's been since I posted anything, but this just brought my heart a strange Joy, and wanted to share.

Bella: Mommy, where am I going to live when I'm a mommy?

Me: I don't know, Bella.  You will live wherever God wants you to live.

Bella: Maybe I'll live in Granbury.

Me: Or somewhere else in Texas, or Louisiana, or New York...

Bella: Or South America!

Me: Ha!  Yes, Bella.  Maybe South America.

Bella: I think when I get big I'm going to give food to children that don't have any.  What's that place called again, Mommy?

Me: South America?

Bella: No, no... The place we talked about yesterday.  The place where kids don't have food to eat...

Me: Are you talking about starving kids in Africa?

Bella: Yes!

Me: Bella, there are starving kids all over the world, even in America.  Not just Africa.

Bella:  yeah...I know, but I think I'll go to Africa.  Since the kids don't have any food, I'll just take a LOT of food with me to Africa so I can give it to them.

Me: you're going to take all the food with you?

Bella: Yes!  They need food!

The day before, Bella had complained that she was "STARVING".  I have issues with that term, because some people are truly starving, and we use the word so lightly to describe a slight discomfort when we haven't eaten in a couple of hours.  I'm sure I'm guilty of it too, but I suppose I'm noticing it more lately.

Anyway, I told Bella that she may feel hungry, but she wasn't "starving" unless she had gone a whole day or more (that is difficult enough for her to fathom at the moment) without eating, because she didn't have any food, or any money to get food.  Like kids in Africa that don't have food.  I then mentioned that there are children everywhere in the world starving.  America too.  This wasn't our first "talk" about those who don't have food, but apparently Africa stuck with her.  Apparently Bella is going to Africa.  And she's taking a lot of food.

But it makes my heart glad to see and hear her concern for those that she doesn't even know.

A child understands injustice and wants to do something about it.  Hungry children were obviously on her heart.

What is on mine?

Bella's Salvation Story

  My baby girl received the gift of Salvation today.

I have no doubt in my mind that it was a true heart transformation rather than simply understanding in her head.  I knew that she had wrapped her mind around it.  You can look at this post for that understanding.

But today was much different.

She knows the story.  She could tell you how you get to heaven and live with Jesus forever.  She could quote Psalm 23, or tell you all about Jonah, Joshua, Moses, Paul, Adam and Eve, and Jesus.  She sings songs to God constantly - even makes up her own.

But I was always not really sure about where she truly stood in relationship with God.  I had never seen her have a heart of true repentance.

But God...

How many times do we see those words in Scripture?

This week we have been studying about Cain and Able.  We opened God's Word together at home, we talked about it while driving in the car, and we learned even more about it at BSF.

And can I just pause here and share how amazing our God is!

Bella came home after church on Sunday with a cough and a fever of about 102.

Monday was even worse.  Her fever spiked up to 103.9 at one point. 

Tuesday she seemed to be getting better.  No medicine required to keep the fever down to low-grade.

Wednesday morning, she woke up without fever and feeling fine.

Wednesday is BSF day.  Usually I have this 24- hr. rule about fever.  If they have any fever 24 hours before they could potentially expose other kids, then we don't go.  That simple.

Wednesday morning, I thought well, low-grade yesterday, no fever this morning...she should be good to go.  That 24- hr. rule kept coming to mind, but I felt an even stronger nudging (the unquestionable kind) that we should go.  That we were going.  No questions asked.  No looking back.

When Bella arrived at her class, her teacher drew a heart on her hand and put a letter "o" inside the heart.  She told Bella that God wants us to obey Him in our hearts.

For some reason I just wanted to cry right there in the hallway.

So Bella learned all about Cain and Able.  How Able obeyed God in his heart, but Cain sinned against God in his heart.

After we got home from BSF, Bella's temp skyrocketed again to 102.8.

Of course this made me immediately feel horrible for going to BSF and exposing other kids to who knows what.

(Called the doc, went to get her checked out this morning, and she had a smidge of pneumonia.  We caught it very early.  He said it probably just started out as a cold that just settled into her lungs.)

Ok, now it's been a crazy kind of day.  Driving to Cleburne to the doctor, getting a prescription filled....oh, and Isaiah refused to take a nap because he took a cat- nap on the 20- minute drive home from CVS :(

I had asked Bella and Balian to clean up some of their stuff.  Yes, I realize she has pneumonia, but if she felt good enough to play outside and ride her bike in the driveway, she felt good enough to pick up her toys...

I was in the kitchen, with a screaming toddler at my ankles, attempting to get dinner started.  We have a pass-through from our kitchen to living room.  Bella came to the living room, crying, and was trying to talk to me about something.  I couldn't hear her because of the screaming child, so I asked her to come into the kitchen.

Then she said, "Mommy, Jesus just told me something that I don't like."

The past 2 weeks or so, Bella has been telling me at random times that Jesus told her                 .  But this was a new one.  I didn't know weather it was conviction, or if I was going to need to speak Truth over a lie of the enemy.

So, very cautiously, I asked her what Jesus had told her.

"Jesus told me that I need to obey, even if I don't want to."

Yup, that was the Holy Spirit alright.

"Yes, that's true, Bella.  I too have to obey even when I don't want to."

"I try really hard to obey, Mommy, but I just don't know how." (Sobbing)

"And I don't obey all the time either.  You know why?"

Shakes her head no.

"Because of sin.  We all sin.  We all have sin in our heart."

"My sin is blocking the Holy Spirit from my heart!" 

I think I had to pick my jaw up off the floor...how in the world does she understand such things at her age?

She is almost hysterical at this point.

"Bella, that is why we have Jesus.  That's why Jesus died for you.  You don't have to have sin in your heart.  Jesus already died for ALL of your sin.  Every sin you have already done.  Every sin you will do.  He already knew what you would do, but He died for you anyway.  He loves you, and He wants to take your sin away.  All you have to do is tell Jesus that you are sorry, tell Him what you are sorry for, then ask Him to forgive you.  And you know what?  He will.  As soon as you ask, because He already knows your heart.  He already sees that you are sorry.  He just wants to hear it from you."

"I don't like the sin in my heart."

"You know what, Bella, that is a very good thing."

"Why?"

"Because if we hate our sin, it shows that we really love Jesus."

"I DO love Jesus!"

"I know you do.  No doubt about it.  You love Jesus.  Now, do you want to talk to Him and tell Him that you are sorry?"

"Can you talk to Jesus for me?"

"No, Bella.  You have to be the one to talk to Him.  He needs to hear it from you.  He wants to hear it from your heart.  I can't tell Him that you are sorry.  Only you can do that.  If you want me to, I can start out and Pray for you, then you can pray, and ask Jesus to forgive you."

"Ok."

So I prayed for Bella, thanking God for the Work He had done in her heart.  For the beautiful child that she is.

Then Bella said simply, with a true child-like faith, "Jesus, I'm sorry for disobeying you.  Can you please take the sin out of my heart?"

I told her that Jesus was quick to forgive those that come to Him truly sorry for their sin.

She was still sobbing, and now coughing.

I told her that her sin was gone.  That she had nothing to be upset about anymore.  No reason to feel guilty or shameful.  She had been forgiven!  I told her that Satan likes to make us feel guilty, but it's only a lie.

"I don't want Satan in my heart!  I don't want sin in my heart!"

"All you have to do is tell him to leave in the Name of Jesus, and he will.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Jesus is stronger and has power over the enemy.  Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.  You know what that means?"

Shakes her head no.

"Jesus living in your heart through the Holy Spirit is stronger than Satan."

"What does resist mean?"

"Fight."

"Satan go away in the name of Jesus!"

She starts sobbing more and more.  Coughing more.  She was crying so hard that she ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Yeah, I'd say that's true repentance.

I finally picked up the screaming toddler.  For some reason I was able to just tune him out and focus on Bella, when ordinarily, that would have been almost impossible.

But it is a testimony that God's plans will never be thwarted.

No matter how much the enemy may try.

No sickness, no fever...

No screaming toddler...

No attempts of the enemy to hurt our relationship, or use me as a stumbling block in her life because of my not-so-perfect example...

Nothing can seperate us from the love of the Father.  

Nothing can stop God from completing His will.

It is a testimony of my God being stronger.

Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for beginning a good work in Bella's heart.  I know that I can do nothing to change a heart.  To transform a heart to love you.  Only you can make transformation happen.  Thank you for stirring up Bella's heart, for bringing her from darkness into Light.  Thank you for guiding my feet, and speaking through me.  Thank you for the precious, priceless gift of Salvation.  For the forgiveness of sin.  For the hope we have both here, on earth, and for eternity.

You are Good.

The only One that is Good.

May you receive every bit of glory for the work you have begun.

I know that you will finish the work that you have started.  You will see it to completion, when we stand before you on Your throne.

Hallelujah!

Word for Word - God is Big

As we are talking about God over lunch, I was telling the kids that when there are thunderstorms, it reminds me just how big God is.  When I hear the BOOM of the thunder, and I see the flashes of lightning, it makes me stand  in awe of how BIG my God is...

Bella: You know, Mommy, God is WAY bigger than you.
Me: He sure is!
Bella: Yeah, He's so big He can't even fit in our house! If he came into our house, He would have to bend over, like this (showing me by demonstration) and He couldn't stand up strait!

 ...we proceeded to talk about how God CAN fit into our house...how He lives in our hearts because of the Holy Spirit...

I just love a 5-year-old's perception of big.
Big = bigger than mommy
Big = bigger than my house

Perhaps that will translate eventually into...
Bigger than my circumstances...
Bigger than myself...
Bigger than my enemies...
Bigger than my sin...

Little words throughout the day can plant so much that God can grow into something bigger.
Yes.  God is BIG.

Writing Practice

This week Balian all of a sudden decided that he wanted to practice writing his letters.  I have these dry-erase practice sheets that are amazing.  In the past, while Bella was working on her handwriting skills, Balian would scribble all over these things.  Well, this week, he decided that he actually wanted to try to trace the letters, and he really surprised me.

No, his grip on his marker isn't perfect, and we still have scribbles all over the rest of the page...

But he's only 2.5!  I wasn't planning on even introducing this for another 6 months!!  And he WANTS to do it!  So fun :)

He probably wants to do it, because Bella has been practicing her letters so much.  Bella has started asking "Mommy, how do you spell ________?"  Then I would tell her, and she would write it.

Here's some of her handiwork:

Now, mind you, I'm not waiting for her to write one letter before giving her the next.  When she asks how to write PopPop, I say "p-o-p...p-o-p" and leave it at that.  So, sometimes she misses a letter or two, but that's ok.  I'm amazed that she is able to remember 99% of the letters that I dictate.

Here's more writing practice on some of her artwork:

Taking a Moment to Brag: Bella

I'm taking a minute to brag on this beautiful girl:

Isabella has been doing so, so well lately.  

She really does try her hardest to listen and obey (Right away, all the way, in a happy way).   If I mention that she's having a hard time with this, she stops, goes and sits down, and talks to God for a while...then she comes back and tells me "Mommy, I asked Jesus to help me listen and obey better today."

She has been doing her "special job" every week without complaint - getting the laundry basket out of the laundry room, putting she and Balian's dirty clothes in it, taking it to the livingroom and separating the lights and darks, putting the first load in the washer, and helping me start it (really she can do everything - even knows what buttons to push - she just can't reach the detergent and sometimes needs help pushing the button to dispense it.)

Bella makes her bed by herself every morning when she wakes up...on the top bunk.

She has been incredibly helpful with so many things.  She helps me put drinks and plates of food on the table before and helps me clear the table after meals, without being asked.  She helps Balian with so many little things like putting socks and shoes on, and even helps him wipe his booty! 

Don't get me wrong, this little lady is by no means perfect.  She understands though that nobody is perfect.  Only Jesus was perfect, and that's why we need Jesus to help us every day.

So when she knows that she is having a rough day - arguing, complaining, disobeying, being too rough, whatever it is - she knows who can help her to do better.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for this little beauty.

May she grow to live out her name and be "Devoted to God" in all that she does!

Word for Word

"Ok, Bella, circle everything that starts with /d/."
"But Mama, the doughnut is already a circle."

"Mommy, why is the sun not showing?  Is it still sleeping?"
"Well, Bella, the sun is awake, but the clouds are covering up the sun so we can't see the sunshine."
"Why are the clouds being so mean to the sun?  That's not nice!"

Search. Prune. Change. Repeat.

"Search me, oh God, and know my heart.
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24


Change begins with me.

Sounds logical.  Almost a no-brainer.  Of course it does.  Even sounds easy.
But it's hard to change when you don't know what needs to be changed.

When you're sick, you see the symptoms.  Your throat hurts.  You can't breathe through your nose.  Your head hurts.  You may have fever.  The symptoms get worse.  You see the symptoms, and you know that there is a problem, so you try to fix it in every way you know how.  You use Halls drops, Chloriseptic spray, Tylenol, take more vitamin C, do nasal rinses - the whole shabang.  Some things seem to work, but only for a while, and then you just feel lousy again.  The symptoms never go away for good.  You get frustrated because by golly, you are doing everything that you know to do, but nothing will shake this thing!  Why can't I shake this thing?  You call the doctor and tell him your symptoms.  You're hoping he can just give you a prescription over the phone so that you can start feeling better now.  You've looked up all your symptoms online, and you're pretty sure you know what the problem is, so you give him your opinion as well.
The problem, however, is that no matter how much you tell him about the symptoms, he can't make you better until you go see him and he examines you and diagnoses the problem.  Sure, you can tell him what YOU think it is, but only he knows how to make you better.

You know where I'm going with this...but here's my story anyway...

After Balian was born, I went through a really rough time.  I struggled with PPD in the form of irritability and anger.  But for some reason I would only take it out on my baby girl, Bella.
At first, every time I screamed at her, or was just down-right mean to her, I would be horrified, and I would go in my bathroom and cry my eyes out.  As time went on, it was "like" I was getting calloused to it...but I wasn't.  I thought I was getting better, but I wasn't.  The other PPD symptoms left - my hormones seemed to be regulated, but one thing remained: anger.  And I was always angry at Bella.  Always.  I saw everything negative.  All I saw was what she did wrong - her misbehavior - her disobedience.  So I tried to fix that, but to no avail.  I still got angry.  She still disrespected me.   And I got more angry.  I yelled, when I never yelled before.  And why did I always feel so angry still?  I was never an angry person.  I felt so incredibly stressed out - why?  It just didn't all make sense.  
I was meeting with the Lord, and learning and growing a lot.  I would talk God's ear off about all of these symptoms.  I just wanted to be back to normal.  I wanted to get better.  I wanted the symptoms to go away.  Can my compliant, obedient baby girl come back?  I didn't want the stress.  I didn't like being angry.  I asked God to take the anger.  I felt like I truly gave it to him.  But it was still the same.
Through prayer one day, I was asking God what it was that I do differently now in my parenting than I did when Bella was younger.  He led me to go back and look at some transcripts from Elizabeth Elliot's radio show Gateway to Joy, which I had read in the early days for encouragement in motherhood.  And in one of her transcripts about teaching children obedience, she talked about how if a parent has a problem with anger toward their children, then it's possible that the parent has some unforgiveness in their heart - causing bitterness to take root.
That struck me.  I've been so angry.  But I'm not a person to hold grudges.  My feelings may be hurt by someone, and it may take me a while to get over that hurt, but I'm quick to pardon.  I thought for a while...Is there anyone I haven't forgiven?  I couldn't even think of a hurt that I hadn't gotten over.  Not even with Neil.  Right then, I presented my thoughts to the Lord, and said "Lord, if there is someone that I need to forgive, please, please let me know."  The next morning, during the sermon, I was in my own world with God.  Just sitting.  actually waiting and listening.
 And the Holy Spirit said "You haven't forgiven yourself."
BAM!  Talk about getting hit between the eyes.
Say what?  "I haven't forgiven myself?"
His reply: "You haven't forgiven yourself for how you treated Bella during your time in the wilderness."
I was speechless.  So I just sat and listened more.  He continued to reveal everything.  And it all made so much sense.
I was angry, and at the time I felt like I couldn't control it, I was so mean to Bella.  It horrified me.  Every angry word, every hurtful action - it stuck with me.  The tears may have left, but the guilt didn't.
Even when the "wilderness" was over, and I felt like God had given me victory, I couldn't be totally healed, because I was still carrying around the guilt and the shame.  Every time I looked at Bella, I was disgusted with myself.  How could I have treated her so horribly?  And I knew that I was the cause of her misbehavior.  I was looking into a mirror.  So I got angry with myself...and continued to project that anger on Bella.
It doesn't make sense at all...and yet it totally makes sense.
I just never thought it could run that deep.
It's amazing what a little bit of Holy Spirit clarity can do.
No longer treating the symptoms, but rather treating the root of the problem.
It wasn't Bella's behavior.  It was mine...but instead of letting go of the guilt, I held onto it with clinched fists.

I couldn't just talk to the Doctor.  I had to let him examine me.  So that he could tell me the True diagnosis.
So that I could forgive and let go.
I'm working on that one.
And God is making some pretty big changes as I work through it.
Praise God for his never-ending love.  He is always good.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23

Oh, Bella

 This is Bella.  My curly, blond-headed, blue-eyed 4.5-year-old. 

She loves to sing, dance, and twirl. 

This was one of those moments I just had to catch.  "Mommy, take a picture of me dancing!"  There is something incredibly beautiful about it.  I look at this picture and I see time flashing before me.  When did she get to be a little girl?  When was the last time I just watched her, and took in her beauty - and relished every moment of it?  When was the last time I just sat there watching, thanking God for the beautiful girl that she is - full of life and expectation, vibrant and passionate?  Oh that we all would be so full of life!  Jesus said that He came to give us abundant life.  I have no doubt that this little girl will live that out.

I've never really known how to encourage Bella in artwork.  No matter how old she is, or how much she draws, I really haven't seen much improvement.  I have always complimented her, encouraged her, no matter what it looked like.  See below:  The big green thing is a stable...Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus are in there somewhere...not sure what the green sun looking things are...

But apparently drawing just isn't her forte, and play-dough is more up her ally.  It's not like we've never played with play-dough.  We have.  A lot.  But Lately, this girl has been amazing me with her creations.  The pictures below are true creations of Bella - with absolutely NO help from anyone.  Her thoughts, her hands, her work.  She just came and said "Mommy, look what I made!"  I looked, and I was amazed.  Snapshots soon followed. 

Butterfly and Flower.  Not that you couldn't tell.  I was not expecting this.

She made a person out of her rolling tool.  Kinda reminds me of a wooden clothespin person...only instead of fabric, we have play-dough.

This may be a little tricky, but it's a ladybug.  Complete with black spots, eyes, and exactly 6 little black legs.

I said "wow, Bella - you even gave the ladybug 6 legs!"  Her reply "Of course, mom, that's how many legs ladybugs have!"  I guess she learned it from observing ladybugs in nature?

And here's an activity that we did this week.  Matching words to pictures.  She has to read the word, then find the picture that matches, and place the word underneath the picture.  I helped her with the first word, just so that she knew what to do.  

The rest she did completely on her own, and she got every single one right.  Such a smart girl!

I've noticed that she definitely performs a lot better (and stays on task a lot longer) when she works independently, rather than me hovering over her.  So I try to let her do things completely on her own as much as possible.  Handwriting, activities like this.  With reading that's tough to do though, so she wants to give up quickly.  Any thoughts?

Oh, and one more thing about Bella.  She is the dress-up QUEEN!  Every time I turn around she is wearing something different.  (=clothes Everywhere, all day long)  She's always so creative - making a way to turn herself into any character.  Here is an example.  She is Ariel.  A red dress for hair, A blue shirt turned upside-down and tied on the side for a fin, and her swimsuit top (tucked under on the bottom) to make a bikini top.  I'm always amazed...and yet never quite prepared for what I'm about to see...

She is just so incredibly creative.  Imaginative.  Love it.

Love her.

Time with Daddy

Neil has no idea this was taken.  He and Bella were sitting outside at his parent's house.  The rest of us were spying on them through the kitchen window.  Bella was talking Neil's ear off, and he just sat there with her while she talked.  We were taking votes as to whether or not he was listening.  Then a while later, we'd see him say something back.  These two were probably out there for a good 45 minutes or so.  We have no idea what Bella was talking about, but what I DO know is that this kind of time with her Daddy is priceless.

My Little Gymnast

We started Bella in Gymnastics (Finally!) about 2 weeks ago at GymKat Sport Center here, in Granbury.  She LOVES it!  It's a small class of (at most 6) 3.5-5 yr-olds. It's been more like 2 kids...hoping for more for the purpose of socialization, but at least she has something that is JUST for her, and something that she can work hard at and excel.  A good excuse for praise from Mom and Dad :)

...and this is the best picture I could get on her first day...

The sticker on her shirt is for following directions :) 

Rain

After 42 days or so strait of over 100-degree weather and no rain, we were finally Blessed with a pretty good rainfall (1.5 inches) this weekend!! (As you can see - our grass needed it...)

And of course, Bella had to put on all of her rain get-up and head outside to play, just because she could! :)

Discoveries, Confirmations, and School

I made a fabulous discovery this past week.  Well, I say that.  Really, I've known it all along, but it was definitely confirmed this week.  Here it is:

About 90% of Bella's disciplinary problems stem from boredom - lack of cognitive challenge and/or physical and metal stimulation.

I mean really, I've known this.  The kid will wander around the house or follow me around like a puppy dog...drives me crazy...  I'll tell her to go find something to do, but playing just isn't enough for her.  And let's be honest - I have been horrible about challenging her.  Yes, we've done "school" but not super-consistently.  And once Isaiah came - yeah...didn't happen.  Anyway, so on Thursday I decided to do an experiment (on my children...mwah-ha-ha!)  I was going to have Bella and Balian paint, but Bella said she wanted to do play-dough...so they did play-dough at their "little table" while I was feeding Isaiah...(the first time I've included Balian) and lo and behold - they played together!  they shared!  there was no fighting!  Bella was actually helping her brother, and Bella probably worked on play-dough for a good hour or so.  seriously.  Then, I tried to make a point of letting Bella do as much as she could all by herself.  She made her own sandwich for lunch, cleaned up her own messes, and helped me with various things (not that she doesn't do these things on a typical day...just trying to over-emphasize it).  That afternoon, I pulled out the mega-blocks, and Bella built towers for over an hour that afternoon.
Over the course of the entire day I had little to no disciplinary problems with her.  I know that all of these activities seem elementary for her, but the point was that she needs direction to get her started on something, but once she got started, she would work diligently for over an hour without a fuss, a fight, or wandering around aimlessly...

The odd thing is that I suppose I have been wandering pretty aimlessly myself, so to speak.  I mean, I've had this idea of what I want "school" to look like, but I haven't been able to achieve it.  I tried getting a curriculum, but every day as I'm looking over the activities for the day, most of it wasn't challenging for Bella at all.  And I am so not good at coming up with my own activities - that takes a special kind of creativity, and I don't have it.  I actually was thinking about giving up the whole homeschooling thing for this next year and enrolling Bella into a PK-4 class.  I was actually looking at some websites for some local places...but I couldn't seem to find what I was looking for.  Then, just out of curiosity, I checked out the Montessori schools - and I realized then that my whole way of doing things (teaching, potty training, etc.) all seemed to be rooted in this "Montessori" approach.  The ironic thing is that over a year ago my mom had given me a book called "Teaching Montessori in the Home" - I just never took the time to look at it.  So I suppose a lot of my ideas about potty training and teaching my kids in general have stemmed from my mom's way of doing things, which came from the Montessori approach.  Totally makes sense.  The more I looked into teaching Montessori at home, the more I liked it - and the more I saw that I really could do it - and how perfect it is for ALL of the kids, because it is supposed to be used in a context of multiple ages.
So now, we have a plan for next year (or as soon as we can set it up) that is much less stressful, and much more challenging for Bella.  It helps her to work at her own pace and teaches her to become self-disciplined in all that she does.
In the meantime, I'm trying to incorporate as much of the Montessori approach into everything that we do here, at home, as much as I can.  Now that I know what I want, I have much more direction (and motivation) to do it.

This week we've done a lot of "small" things.
Building towers with blocks:

And learning how to set a table properly:

Bella also learned her months of the year and can officially count by 10's on her own.  It always amazes me how much more easily kids learn when you put something into a song.  We learned the months of the year to the tune of "5 Little Indians."  The words all fit (if you add a couple of "and"s in there)and she learned it in about a day.  Works for me!

January, February, March, and April
May, June, July, and August
September, October, and November
December

Bella's New Wheels

Bella got a new bike for her birthday...

1 month, 18 months, and 4 years

I took all 3 kiddos to the doctor to have well checks on Monday.  We have a new pediatrician now.  I was so sad to say goodbye to Dr. Simpson, but she closed her practice, so we had to find a new one.  We were referred to Dr. Arouse by both the midwife as well as a friend, and so far we LOVE him!  He is totally worth the 30 minute drive to Cleburne!  He is so good with the kids - gives them dum-dums after every visit, is very positive/encouraging (he just says things like "you're doing a great job!"), and best of all, isn't pushy about vaccines.  He's totally fine with delaying them a bit if I want, especially the live ones.

As far as the visit goes, it wasn't too bad, except that we have to go up 5 floors in an elevator to get there.  Balian hates elevators.  I'm not really sure why.  Perhaps it's the funny feeling you get in your belly when it starts and stops.  That's the only thing I can really think it could be.  Whatever the case, he balks at even going into the elevator.  This time it was so bad that he started down the hall before he even saw it - he just knew where we were headed.  so sad.

All 3 kids are doing well.  Here's the stats:

Bella - 4 years
Ht: 41.25 inches
Wt: 36.5 lbs.

Balian - 18 months (almost 19 months)
Ht: 33 inches
Wt: 24.5 lbs.

Isaiah - 1 month
Length: 21.5 inches
Wt: 7 lbs. 7 oz.

Bella's Questions

My pretty girl posing like mommy for a picture...

Ok, so today is a much more serious note.
Is it possible for a 3-yr-old to really understand Salvation and accept that gift so young?

A couple of months ago, Bella witnessed her first baptism.  It was entirely intentional.  I wanted her to see what a baptism was, so that she would ask questions...and the questions came like an avalanche!

Add to this, that Bella also attended her first funeral - my grandfather, Jeda, the week before Christmas.

She has been asking question after question about what happens when we die and why we get baptized, and every question you can think of that stems from those two questions.  We've had really good conversations over the past couple of months, and I've seen the wheels in her head spinning.  And ever since she saw her friend, Reagan, get baptized, she's talked about it a lot.  I've always ended our conversations with "Bella, when you decide to follow Jesus, you let me know.  Then, you'll be able to get baptized."  She usually just says "ok, mommy" and that's the end of it.  Yesterday, we had another conversation. 

Bella: "Mommy, I'm not scared to go under water anymore, so I can get baptized."

me: "Well, Bella...it's more than just not being scared of the water.  Why do we get baptized?"

Bella: "Because we decide to follow Jesus."

me: "Yes, that's right.  so when you decide to follow Jesus, you can get baptized."

Bella: "But mommy, I have decided to follow Jesus." 

me: "Really?  when did you decide to follow Jesus?"

Bella: "One day, I just decided to follow Jesus."

me: "Bella, do you know what it means to decide to follow Jesus?"

Bella: "It means that I can live with him in Heaven after I die."

me: "yes, but there's more to it than that.  What did Jesus do?"

she looks at me, confused...

"what did Jesus do on the cross?"

Bella: "He died."

me: "why did he die on the cross?"

Bella: "so that I can live with him in heaven."

me: "yes... but again, there's more to it than that.  Jesus took all of our sin.  do you understand what sin is?"

again...a blank stare.

"remember?  when we don't listen and obey what God wants us to do - that's sin?"

Bella: nods her head "like when I don't listen and obey mommy and daddy."

me: "that's right, because God says 'Children..."

Bella: "...obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."

me: "that's right.  so when we don't obey, we are sinning.  Well, Jesus...he took all the times that we don't listen and obey - all the bad things that we do - all the times we are mean to our brother - all of that.  If Jesus didn't die on the cross and take our sin, we would have to go to a very bad place when we die, called hell, and we wouldn't be with Jesus.  But Jesus took all of our sin.  It's because of him taking our sin that we can be with him in heaven when we die."

Bella: "yeah!  that's right!"

me: "so when we decide to follow Jesus, we believe that Jesus is the son of God, and that he died on the cross for our sins.  Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God?"

Bella: "yes!"

me: "do you believe that Jesus died on the cross and took away your sin so you could live with him in heaven?"

Bella: "yes, and now I can get baptized!"

me: "well, Bella, I want you to understand something else..."

Bella: "what?"

me:  "when we decide to follow Jesus, it isn't just knowing that he is God's son, and knowing that he died on the cross for us...it's also deciding every day to follow Jesus.  That means, choosing to listen and obey Jesus as much as we can all the time.  It's not about just going to heaven - it's about obeying - about living for Jesus every day."

Bella: "oh."

me: "are you going to try to obey Jesus the best you can?"

Bella: "yes."

me: "that means listening and obeying mommy and daddy..."

Bella: "...because this pleases the Lord."

me: "that's right, Bella."

Bella: "so, can I get baptized?"

me:  "I'm not sure yet, Bella, I want to keep talking to you about it, so that I know that you really understand what baptism is.  When mommy and daddy think you're ready, then you can get baptized."

Bella: "ok."

I know that it's entirely possible for a 3-yr-old to be saved.  I know this because a couple of my friends were saved very young - about the same age - and remember everything about their salvation.  So why am I so skeptical about my daughter coming to know the Lord?  Is it her lack of obedience?  Although, her obedience has actually improved the past couple of weeks...

I wonder if maybe it has to do with how I came to know the Lord.  Jesus became real to me the summer in between my 9th and 10th grade year - it was a year after I had experienced the worst tragedy of my life, and I had gone through a year of dark nothingness.  When I came to know the Lord, it was because I heard an almost audible voice say "if you keep going the way you're going, you're going to die."  I was desperate.  I had one of two choices - die, or change my life drastically.  I decided to follow Jesus instead.  I couldn't keep going on the way I was going - I was dying inside because of hurt, and I was doing everything I could to fill that empty, dark, void.  And my salvation wasn't just about being "saved" from hell, it was about me deciding to live my life for the Lord - He became the Lord of my Life at the same time.

It's hard for me to imagine someone coming to know the Lord through simple, childlike faith.  To me, it's the most difficult, yet most important thing that happened in my life, and in no way was it because of a simple, childlike faith.  I think I doubt Bella's decision to follow Jesus because she is so young, and she has such a simple faith.  She sings her heart out - her own words - to Jesus, all the time.  Her words may not be theologically correct, or flow beautifully, but she is always singing her heart out.  She is always talking about the Lord.  She's started saying her own prayers, and she has prayed for me on various occasions, with immediate outcomes at times (like a headache going away, etc.).

Could it be possible that my Bella really does get this whole Jesus thing - that she has decided to follow him, for real?

It's so very difficult for me to grasp.  Even though I have prayed for her to come to a saving knowledge of who Jesus is at a young age since before she was born, I still doubt.

I guess I need to look to Bella as an example of childlike faith - and trust that God really is answering the prayers that I have prayed over her and for her.  Lord I believe!  Help me in my unbelief!

Bella's Adventures in Learning to Read!

For the past month or so, Bella has been working on putting together letter sounds to make words. We have a letter of the week (this week is the letter P). Each week, I change the "Word Builder" (a great contraption that I got at the Teacher's Aide store in Pineville, LA) and make words that start with the letter of the week. So this week, we have words like pop, pot, pen, pin, pig, pray, etc. Everyday, when we do circle time, we go over the letter of the week - what the letter is, what it says, and then we go over the word builder. Bella tries to sound out all of the words by herself. She's been doing really well with it, so I wanted to find some books to help further her learning, and give her a sense of accomplishment. Do you realize how hard it is to find books with only a couple of words on a page, that are easy (short) words? It's very difficult. All of the Pre-beginner books at the library have like 5 or more words on a page. Or, if they don't have a lot of words, they have words that are totally not at Bella's level yet. Grr.
Well, today my quest for a developmentally appropriate book came to an end!! Amazingly enough, it ended with a Dr. Suess book - Hop on Pop.



It is fabulous!! Not only does it not have a lot of words on a page, it groups words into categories. For instance, the first page says:

UP

PUP

Pup is up.

Then for two more pages, it all goes along with the "UP" theme.

PUP

CUP

Pup on cup.

CUP

PUP

Cup on pup.

Then it will change to a different grouping like "ALL" - words like tall, small, ball, fall, wall... and make short sentances with the words. I am seriously loving it! Perfect for what we need. It definitely still challenges Bella (she got tired of it after about 6 pages), but she also seemed to really like that she was reading an actual book. YAY!

Circle Time

We've gotten settled into our homeschool routine for Bella, and every morning we start out doing what we call circle time. It's called various things in preschool. circle time. rug time. carpet time...whatever. we should really call it Hallway time, since we do it in the hallway, but o-well. We start out by doing our days of the week, then talking about today (day of the week, month of the year, date), then we do Bella's bible verses, go over the letter of the week (this week it's the letter I), read our bible story, and maybe even sing a song or two about the season, or what we're learning about. Bella looks forward to it every day. After circle time, we do our "school time" where we paint, write letters, do activities, or whatever...but circle time apparently is her favorite :) Here's some things that she has been learning:
Days of the Week:

Bella's Bible Verses

Counting to 30: this one she's still working on a bit, but she's doing pretty good.

Bella's Prayers

Twice this week my daughter has amazed me.

A couple days ago, I was sitting next to Bella at her "little table". I had a headache, and was holding my head in my hands.
Bella said "Mommy, does your head still hurt?"
"Yes," I reply.
"Do you want me to pray for you?" she asks.
"Sure" I say, not knowing what to expect.
she starts praying: "Thank you God for mommy's head. I pray that it wouldn't hurt and that it wouldn't be bad. In Jesus' name, Amen."

...and it felt better about an hour later. no medicine involved.

yesterday, I woke up with my left arm throbbing from my shoulder down to the tips of my fingers. I told Bella that it hurt, and I asked her to pray for me.
"ok, mommy, close your eyes!" she says.
"ok, Bella." And I did.
She prays, "Thank you God for mommy's arm feeling better. I pray that it wouldn't be bad anymore. In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen."

again...about an hour later...it was better without the help of medicine.

What amazes me about the first prayer is that she initiated everything about it. She asked to pray for me, and she did. Sometimes it's difficult to get her to pray before dinner or bed, but by golly, she'll pray when you really need her to!

What amazes me about the second prayer is her words!! She prayed EXPECTING God to make my arm better. "Thank you, God for mommy's arm feeling better..." She was thanking Him for doing something that he hadn't done yet - expecting Him to do what she was asking. That's pretty amazing for a 3-yr. old...especially since I wonder if I have really been much of an example of that...

we may have a prayer warrior in our midst!

Homeschool??

We've talked about it. we've thought of alternatives. we've shared concerns. Now it's time to take action.

Our homeschooling talks started before we were even married. We lived up in Saratoga Springs (Neil) and Ballston Spa (Pam), NY for 6 months during some of Neil's training for the Navy (Prototype). We were fortunate enough to find an incredible church family, and oddly enough, that church family was loaded with homeschooling families... 1 family had 3 kids, and 2 other families had 5 kids.
However, none of these kids fit the "home schooled kid" profile that I had always been told about, and seen. You know, the kid that has absolutely no social skills, and is more excited about picking his nose than interacting with people...the outcast kid at church...and the one who just doesn't seem to "get it?"
These kids weren't like that at all! They were polite, courteous, interactive with both adults and other children of ALL ages - their own peer group, older, and younger. They had an incredible understanding about the realities of life, and the realities about who God is. Other kids liked them! The only thing they were lacking was the irresponsibility, obscenity, and perverseness that is so common these days with kids of ALL ages.
I remember Neil and I looking at each other and saying "Those kids are home schooled?"

As time went on, we met more and more people that had gone through some kind of home school curriculum, and were just as social, if not more so, than people who were not. And they were incredibly intelligent.

Bella has always been bright. I've never really had a plan with her, other than to just challenge her as she's ready for it. That was my potty-training technique, and that's how I've been with her with everything else as well. When she was 10 months old, we were looking at an animal book together, and, as always, I was going over the same animals and the same sounds that we always did, only this time she pointed to the dog and started panting (a sound she could make at that age). From there, we did all kinds of animal sounds, and just kept going...shapes, colors, letters, etc. Whenever she learned one thing, I'd make it a bit more difficult to challenge her. Always repeating everything over and over and over again...

Anyway, there came a point about a year ago that I started thinking about school for her. I started school when I was 2 ( a mother's day out sort of thing), so it wasn't weird to me to think about it. With Balian coming, I thought it might be good. Then I started thinking...
Bella does so well working at her own pace. She's really bright. She learns so quickly. I started worrying about her being bored, and then hating school. Then again, there was the social aspect of it...I feel like for the past year, I've been torn.

Once we moved here, to Granbury, and I was dealing with so many things at once (moving, newborn, PPD, making friends, starting out at a new church) Bella's behavior started to become pretty bad. I know a lot of it was all the changes that she went through. Not just the moving, but mommy being different. We were at home A LOT more than we were before Balian was born...(I still don't think we're really back to our "out and about-ness" that we had before. ) I think a lot of her misbehavior has had to do with down-right boredom. And I, after taking a long break from all the challenging and teaching with Bella, didn't really know where to start as far as how to give some structure to our days and teach her at her level. I would try to teach her something, but I'd get frustrated when she didn't "get it". I was teaching over her head. I was totally lost. and frustrated. I think I just kinda gave up.

For months, we've been butting heads, and I've been like "There's no way I can home school this girl - I'll go crazy! Can we just put her in school this year?"

Then the light turned on. I need help!
A friend of mine told me about a curriculum that she had been looking at called Hands on Homeschooling. Essentially, the mom who made it was a former preschool teacher that decided that she needed to add some structure to days at home with her first child, who was 2 at the time.
Seriously, this may be the best breath of fresh air I've seen in a while! The curriculum is not only bible-based, it's like school and Sunday school combined in a really practical, FUN package, that only takes up about an hour a day for "teaching". Recipes, activities, field trips, Bible stories and memory verses for every week, worksheets (like for tracing letters and numbers) etc. are all put together in a nice, neat little package. Oh, and the best thing about it is that preschool isn't this one big chunk called 2-5 years. Each age has a totally separate curriculum. So the 3-yr. old curriculum is very specifically age/developmentally- based for 3 yr.-olds.
I think this is fabulous.
Where do I sign up?
Well, now I know where. I just have to do it.
My only dilemma is that we don't have an extra room to set aside for school. I know that isn't necessary, but it seems like it would help with focus. We'll figure it all out in time...

If any of you home school and you have some suggestions/ resources, PLEASE let me know! I'm new at this, and I'm learning as I go...heck, I haven't even started yet! And by-golly, I need help!

Some News Bites

I wish I were giving an update on my post from a couple weeks ago (oh, the possibilities...), but nothing has really come of it yet. So yeah...still not gonna clue anyone in on that one yet.
However, we've got some other news bites that I wanted to share:

1. Balian has been cutting teeth like crazy. He cut both of his bottom middle teeth within a week. Now, on week 2, he's working on his first top tooth. He's also cruising around furniture like crazy, and accidentally letting go for a couple of milliseconds...only until he realizes that he's not holding on to something and immediately does so. Not sure when this boy is going to start walking. Probably a week and a half after his first birthday, just like Bella...he's followed her footsteps on everything else! Totally has the strength already...just not the guts. He's so careful for a boy.

2. Neil is off on his 2-week deployment that he has to do once/ year for the Navy Reserves. we don't think the boat he's on is actually going to go out at all, which is nice, but he's still on the other side of the world, so it still seems like it. But two weeks vs. 2-4 months is NOTHING in comparison!

3. Bella has learned all of her uppercase and lowercase letters. we've been working on her letter sounds for a while now, and she knows all of them except for the vowels. She can get the short sounds, but the whole "letter saying it's name" thing just totally goes over her head apparently... and if she does get it for a bit, then she thinks that EVERY letter says it's name...I can see how it would be confusing. Any suggestions on how to help her out would be greatly appreciated. I've tried making up silly poems to help her out and everything. anyway, as soon as she learns ALL of her letter sounds, I'm taking her to the "beach". Our beach is Granbury City Beach, which is amazingly a pretty nice beach/park on Lake Granbury - with good sand, and water with only "lake waves". Perfect fit for Bella!

4. I'm slowly learning to drive Neil's car...it's a standard. So far, I've only driven it once out of our neighborhood, but our neighborhood is pretty huge. Now I'm working on driving it to church on Sunday mornings...less traffic. once I master that, I'll probably branch out and do more :)

5. We're pregnant again.

Did that catch you off guard? yes, it did us too - shockingly, actually. I think I'm still in shock and I've known for about 5 weeks now.

To answer some questions that I know you're wondering:

- why so shocking? I was on BC for 3 months to help regulate hormones because of the PPD. I was feeling good, so we decided to do a trial and get off of it and see if I still felt good. I had absolutely NO fertility signs, and we still got pregnant. only us, right? Oh, and then the funny part is that at about the time I was supposed to start, my temp dropped just like it should...SIKE! (yes, I just typed that). It totally shot up again after that...and on day 17 of high temps, I was like "wow. I'm pregnant." so no fertility signs, then no symptoms of pregnancy at all like I usually have early on...nothing. but sure enough...we got two lines. Just goes to show that God is totally in control. He does what he wills, whether its in our plans or not. He Blesses us when we least expect it.

- I'm 9 weeks pregnant.

- I'm due March 20

- Balian and the baby will have an age difference of 18 months.

- Boy or girl doesn't really matter to me, but I already think it's a girl. I could totally be wrong though.

- This pregnancy has been the worst so far with how I feel. I'm so much more nauseated...but the worst part is that like always with me...I never actually get sick. So I just feel horrible all the time with no real relief except for sleep. I feel bad when I'm hungry...or when I just ate. I feel bad because of the heat...or because I'm in a moving car...or because I just do for no reason at all... and it's all like this heartburn-ish yet dizzy kind of nausea. horrible. Luckily, my dad had these Sea Bands that he uses for motion sickness that are also supposed to work with morning sickness...and it totally helps! They're like sweatbands that you wear on your wrists that have this bead on them that you put over a certain pressure point on the wrist. Totally great!

- I've had my first Dr.'s appointment and my first ultrasound.

- I NO LONGER have a BICORNUATE UTERUS!!! Praise the LORD!! Apparently Balian stretched it out, and I'm normal now!

- I may end up changing doctors because of proximity to the hospital. The doc I'm currently going to now doesn't deliver in town - she delivers in Ft. Worth at Harris Methodist SW, which is an AMAZING hospital - especially for labor and delivery...but problem is that it's 45 min. away. If it worked out like the last two kids, and I was at the hospital already before going into labor, that would be great, but we just don't know that. The hospital here, in town is only 15 minutes away. I'm going to try to go on a tour of the maternity ward, and set up a consultation with a doc that was recommended to me that delivers in town.

- we will be looking into getting a minivan (yes...those words just came out...can't believe it. never say never, I suppose.)

- lets just say that we've been totally spoiled by the Navy when it comes to maternity care. :)

I guess that's all for now!