Search. Prune. Change. Repeat.

"Search me, oh God, and know my heart.
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24


Change begins with me.

Sounds logical.  Almost a no-brainer.  Of course it does.  Even sounds easy.
But it's hard to change when you don't know what needs to be changed.

When you're sick, you see the symptoms.  Your throat hurts.  You can't breathe through your nose.  Your head hurts.  You may have fever.  The symptoms get worse.  You see the symptoms, and you know that there is a problem, so you try to fix it in every way you know how.  You use Halls drops, Chloriseptic spray, Tylenol, take more vitamin C, do nasal rinses - the whole shabang.  Some things seem to work, but only for a while, and then you just feel lousy again.  The symptoms never go away for good.  You get frustrated because by golly, you are doing everything that you know to do, but nothing will shake this thing!  Why can't I shake this thing?  You call the doctor and tell him your symptoms.  You're hoping he can just give you a prescription over the phone so that you can start feeling better now.  You've looked up all your symptoms online, and you're pretty sure you know what the problem is, so you give him your opinion as well.
The problem, however, is that no matter how much you tell him about the symptoms, he can't make you better until you go see him and he examines you and diagnoses the problem.  Sure, you can tell him what YOU think it is, but only he knows how to make you better.

You know where I'm going with this...but here's my story anyway...

After Balian was born, I went through a really rough time.  I struggled with PPD in the form of irritability and anger.  But for some reason I would only take it out on my baby girl, Bella.
At first, every time I screamed at her, or was just down-right mean to her, I would be horrified, and I would go in my bathroom and cry my eyes out.  As time went on, it was "like" I was getting calloused to it...but I wasn't.  I thought I was getting better, but I wasn't.  The other PPD symptoms left - my hormones seemed to be regulated, but one thing remained: anger.  And I was always angry at Bella.  Always.  I saw everything negative.  All I saw was what she did wrong - her misbehavior - her disobedience.  So I tried to fix that, but to no avail.  I still got angry.  She still disrespected me.   And I got more angry.  I yelled, when I never yelled before.  And why did I always feel so angry still?  I was never an angry person.  I felt so incredibly stressed out - why?  It just didn't all make sense.  
I was meeting with the Lord, and learning and growing a lot.  I would talk God's ear off about all of these symptoms.  I just wanted to be back to normal.  I wanted to get better.  I wanted the symptoms to go away.  Can my compliant, obedient baby girl come back?  I didn't want the stress.  I didn't like being angry.  I asked God to take the anger.  I felt like I truly gave it to him.  But it was still the same.
Through prayer one day, I was asking God what it was that I do differently now in my parenting than I did when Bella was younger.  He led me to go back and look at some transcripts from Elizabeth Elliot's radio show Gateway to Joy, which I had read in the early days for encouragement in motherhood.  And in one of her transcripts about teaching children obedience, she talked about how if a parent has a problem with anger toward their children, then it's possible that the parent has some unforgiveness in their heart - causing bitterness to take root.
That struck me.  I've been so angry.  But I'm not a person to hold grudges.  My feelings may be hurt by someone, and it may take me a while to get over that hurt, but I'm quick to pardon.  I thought for a while...Is there anyone I haven't forgiven?  I couldn't even think of a hurt that I hadn't gotten over.  Not even with Neil.  Right then, I presented my thoughts to the Lord, and said "Lord, if there is someone that I need to forgive, please, please let me know."  The next morning, during the sermon, I was in my own world with God.  Just sitting.  actually waiting and listening.
 And the Holy Spirit said "You haven't forgiven yourself."
BAM!  Talk about getting hit between the eyes.
Say what?  "I haven't forgiven myself?"
His reply: "You haven't forgiven yourself for how you treated Bella during your time in the wilderness."
I was speechless.  So I just sat and listened more.  He continued to reveal everything.  And it all made so much sense.
I was angry, and at the time I felt like I couldn't control it, I was so mean to Bella.  It horrified me.  Every angry word, every hurtful action - it stuck with me.  The tears may have left, but the guilt didn't.
Even when the "wilderness" was over, and I felt like God had given me victory, I couldn't be totally healed, because I was still carrying around the guilt and the shame.  Every time I looked at Bella, I was disgusted with myself.  How could I have treated her so horribly?  And I knew that I was the cause of her misbehavior.  I was looking into a mirror.  So I got angry with myself...and continued to project that anger on Bella.
It doesn't make sense at all...and yet it totally makes sense.
I just never thought it could run that deep.
It's amazing what a little bit of Holy Spirit clarity can do.
No longer treating the symptoms, but rather treating the root of the problem.
It wasn't Bella's behavior.  It was mine...but instead of letting go of the guilt, I held onto it with clinched fists.

I couldn't just talk to the Doctor.  I had to let him examine me.  So that he could tell me the True diagnosis.
So that I could forgive and let go.
I'm working on that one.
And God is making some pretty big changes as I work through it.
Praise God for his never-ending love.  He is always good.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23