Well, we made it to 38 weeks. I wasn't sure that was going to happen.
I know that not only are WE getting antsy, but I know everyone else is as well.
It was funny to see people at church yesterday and all of them were like "umm...that baby still isn't out yet?" Especially because a lot of them saw me on Friday night - when I was having regular contractions at about 6.5 minutes apart - standing, sitting, whatever. Too bad they fizzled out when we got home.
And that is the story of my life right now.
Cramps start. contractions go into gear. They'll be consistently apart for a while. They may even increase in strength and get closer together after a bit. I feel them in the front AND back...and really low too. Random sharp pains in the pelvis happen. Then, after about an hour or two of this consistency...instead of continuing to increase in strength or getting closer together they just fizzle out.
Apparently God has a very specific day he wants this baby to be born...and it obviously hasn't happened yet.
The funny thing is that I was perfectly content to have this baby inside of me until the full 40 weeks... I was even expecting it to go longer...
...that is, until I started progressing so much.
There's just something about being 5cm, or there-about, and having the baby continuing to descend into the pelvic bone...and effacing happening...and having off and on contractions...that just makes you say "ok, seriously, what's the deal? Why isn't this baby coming out?"
I had a dream Saturday night that really got to me too. It wasn't a bad dream by any means. But in my dream, I had been having contractions, so I called my midwife. Then the whole midwife staff, and tons of other people were at my house, and once they got there, my contractions fizzled out. When that happend, everyone just got up and left. I appologized to my midwife for calling her to the house, and explained that I was just so scared that I was going to be delivering the baby by myself!
I woke up sobbing, and even after waking up fully, I couldn't stop sobbing for a while.
I didn't think that I was fearful. But I think God gave me that dream to show me that I, in fact, was! It brought everything out to the open. I just sat there praying for a while, confessing my fears, and repenting for being fearful. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of a passage that we went over in BSF only a couple weeks ago from Isaiah 43:1-2 :
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
The Lord was encouraging me, saying "You know, it doesn't really matter what happens - how this baby is born - or even if you have to do it by yourself. You will NOT be alone. I will be with you. I will guide and direct you. And even if this doesn't go as YOU plan, my plans are for your GOOD. It will produce character that I otherwise would not be able to cultivate in you. You will depend fully on me and my strength and my power, rather than your own. So FEAR NOT. This baby will come in my time, in my will. I will give you what you need, when you need it - if you will just rely on me."
That pretty much sums it up.
No matter how much I'm dilated or effaced. No matter what symptoms of labor I've already had. No matter how many times I have contractions, or how much the baby continues to descend...
God is totally in control of this whole thing. His timing is the best.
When we were considering homebirth in the first place, I remember struggling with the thought a bit. Then the Lord just said "Don't fear. Trust me." It's like he's really wanting to teach me something through all of this. Perhaps it's simply to trust. Perhaps it's how to wait on him for his perfect timing. Perhaps he wants to teach me to rely on His strength. Or perhaps it's all of the above, and more.
Whatever the case, He's wanting to teach me something, and I have to be willing and open to his instruction and direction.
