I am so beyond overflowing. I don't even know where to begin.
God has been bringing me through this incredible process of pruning. Yes, you read that right. Incredible. There is something extremely hard, yet extremely incredible about being spiritually knocked over, falling on to your hands and knees, being paralyzed and unable to get up, and yet, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you do. But it isn't by standing...it's by getting lower, and lower, and lower...until you're laying prostrate in the Holy Presence of the Living God.
I've shared my struggles over the past couple of years...
The battle with PPD.
Waking up one day and realizing that I wasn't displaying ANY of the fruit of the Spirit.
The Holy Spirit showing me that I needed to forgive myself...
Then, about a month ago, I suppose he thought I was ready for more.
I've been studying the Acts of the Apostles. The Book of Acts. Almost ALL of the Epistles. There is something amazing about seeing these men handle trials. There is something amazing about actually understanding how you could possibly find joy in the midst of trials - however large OR small.
I'm realizing now that a trial isn't simply persecution. It isn't always an attack of the enemy either. Sometimes a trial is simply something that God allows to happen so that He can use it to build character in us. That could be as big as a battle with cancer, or the loss of a loved one...or it could be as small as walking into a child's room that looks like it just got hit by a hurricane, or a child that throws a fit when they don't get their way...
The important thing is how we react.
Do we face that trial head-on, persevere, show self-control, and look MORE like Christ on the other side?
Or do we get selfish, throw our own fit, get angry, bitter, resentful, and look LESS like Christ when it is all said and done?
The Holy Spirit revealed to me that although the trial of PPD didn't originate with Him, He intended to use it for His purposes. He intended to use it to build character in me.
The reason I woke up one day and realized that I had no fruit was because I didn't persevere. Yes, I was falling on my face before the Lord, but instead of seeing the joy in the trail, I was coming to Him asking "Why?" and asking Him to take it away. In the meantime, I was NOT getting into God's Word. I was simply in "survival mode". But instead of depending on God's Spirit to get me through - asking for guidance in each and every temptation that I faced - I tried to do it on my own.
I don't even think that I realized that I was shutting God out. I was so emotionally distressed - stressed out - and feeling like I was quite literally, going crazy.
So instead of persevering and looking MORE like Christ on the other side, I looked LESS like Christ.
Instead of having MORE love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, I had less, if any at all.
Yes, forgiving myself was a necessary step. I had to forgive myself so I could let go of the bitterness. So that I didn't have unforgiveness separating me from God. That was vital.
But once God dealt with me about that, He brought the full weight to my attention.
I. had. failed. miserably.
But the amazing thing about God is that He brings me to these places so that I am able to draw near to Him. He has repentance in mind.
And when we have a heart of repentance, He is right there with us, carrying us the rest of the way, to where He wants us to be.
What's even more amazing to me is the fact that God KNEW that I would blow it. He KNEW I would blow it, but He still allowed me to go through it.
Why? Because he loves me so stinkin' much.
Because He knew that I needed some pruning.
He knew that there was a weak link, and whatever he has planned for me in the future - he knew that I wouldn't survive it if I wasn't first pruned.
Do you see just HOW BIG and HOW AWESOME my God is?
He had to tear down my house.
He had to tear me down to the point that all that was left was the Foundation.
He had to go so far as to mend the very Foundation on which I stand...so that He can make me strong. So that the building that stands on top of the foundation will not crumble or melt when put through the testing of fire.
Instead, he wants that Foundation to be so strong - and the building to be so strong - that I will be able to stand firm - no matter what test, attack, or trial comes my way.
Yes, He is Amazing.
Oh, how He loves me.
God's ways are perfect.
We may not see it at the beginning. We may want to give up. We may fail miserably. But My God is a God of restoration and Hope. We are NEVER too far out of His reach.
Oh, how He loves us! Oh, How he loves YOU!
And God's will has been done. I came to the amazing place of repentance, and God met me there.
He has exchanged so many unfruitful things in my life with fruit of the Spirit.
I am relying on Him more and more every day.
I see the "little trials" as opportunities to choose Love. To choose obedience. To choose self-control. I am by no means perfect, and I know that I will NEVER reach perfection.
But I see God's hand working, and it is amazing.
I celebrate amazing victories that to others may seem trivial.
For me, it is only by the hand of God that I am able to be awakened in the middle of the night by a toddler who will not stop crying...which turns into throwing a fit...and then an all-out tantrum...
and not yell, raise my voice, or even use irritation in my voice...for 30 minutes. Only by God's Grace and the power of the Holy Spirit can I instead show patience, gentleness, and low, hushed tones of voice and singing to soothe.
Only by the Grace of God.
That was my first HUGE victory. The first sign of transformation.
To others, it may seem trivial, but to me, it was a breath of fresh air - and proof of God's Spirit moving in my life.
As the days go on, and I continue to get into God's Word - and continue to seek God's help EVERY step of the way - I am seeing victory. I am feeling more like myself - and seeing a picture of myself that I have NEVER seen before.
I might be able to "change" some things about my life, but real Transformation happens only by the power of the Holy Spirit.
And I'm seeing it happen.
Now, I'm at this place of just utter amazement. God is teaching me so much in such a short amount of time, and I am just falling in love with my savior more and more every day that I live.
And every day that I live, I want to live less and less for me - and only for His Glory!
The past couple of years God has been preparing me for this place that I'm at now.
And now, as scary as it is to write this, I have surrendered it all, and I am ready for God to rip my life apart for His Glory.
The more I read His Word, the more it messes me up anyway.
It messes me up, because as I dig deeper, I see just how Holy God is.
How he could love me, is beyond me.
And yet he does.
By Grace we have been saved. But that Grace was not cheap. It took the very life of His son. And now, God asks me for my everything. My very life. To live for him rather than myself. To glorify Him rather than myself.
I am willing.
Lord, Help me!
God gave me a song about 2 weeks ago. It is the song that I sing when I wake up - asking the Holy Spirit to fill me up. I hope you are able to worship with this song as much as I do :)
This is a really rough recording. You'll hear little voices in the background - hope you don't mind :) Oh, and it takes a couple of seconds for it to start, so be patient, and Enjoy!
Come into this house
come and dwell in me
fill me up
overflowing with your love
Holy Spirit, live in me
Take my life and make a change
but not in ways that I can claim
Transform me in ways
only possible through Grace
so the world can give you Praise!
