Have you ever looked back and reminisced about an earlier time in your life when you felt more holy? I find myself doing that a lot. I look back at my days in college. I think "Now that's what living for Jesus looks like!" I think about being on leadership team at the Wesley Foundation. I think about doing spontaneous worship at the park, meeting with my accountability girls, going to small group, studying God's Word, doing servant evangelism, and not being shy about meeting new people and talking to them about the Lord. I was in a place where I was ready to drop everything for the purpose of spreading the Gospel. My senior year I was seriously looking into doing a Discipleship Training School (DTS) with Youth with a Mission (YWAM) and just going wherever the Lord lead me from there. I was sold out.
Then, I wake up to my life today. I've been married for a little over 5 years, and I'm a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids all 4years and under. I wake up to the sound of little ones squealing and playing, so I stomp into their room and say "Don't you realize that your brother is still sleeping? quiet down!" My famous words are "stop that! be nice! say you're sorry. come here. go to time out. what are you doing? no hit. no kick." and my activities include cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, changing diapers, nursing the baby, grocery shopping, disciplining, teaching school, and the like.
What happened to being on fire for God?
I have a problem. It's called selfishness.
When I look back at my life in college, for some reason, I forget to look at the fact that I was the one and only person that I was responsible for... and the selfish person inside of me thinks that means that life was better. easier. and I could do a heck of a lot more for the Kingdom.
Oh, I've seen those women - some of them my friends - that seem to "get" this whole motherhood thing. They honestly see the joy in raising their kids - are never bitter, harsh, or resentful - and have such peace about simply being a stay-at-home mom and nothing more at the moment - because their children are their mission field.
Oh, that I was that person! Instead, I have to admit that I have been the opposite. frustrated. resentful. bitter. wishing for something "better". I've had this almost constant headache and backache that I feel when I'm stressed out. my attitude stinks. I keep thinking of what I can do outside of my home to serve the Lord. Who can I serve? What can I do? And I keep thinking that I'm lacking purpose. If only I had some grand purpose for the Kingdom, then maybe I could stop feeling so frustrated. Maybe I could actually pour out what has been coming in, so that I can stop going stale.
Then one day it started hitting me. I was thinking about the Fruit of the Spirit.
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Then I started thinking....
I tell my children that we should love one another...but am I good about showing THEM love? In the way they feel loved?
I ask Bella to obey in a happy way, but am I cheerfully serving them today?
Am I at peace with where I am right now?
I tell Bella and Balian to be patient for this or that, but am I patient with them...or do I tell them to hurry up and do, well...everything?
I tell them to be kind, but am I an example of kindness or do I snap at them for little things?
I tell them that they need to obey mommy and daddy so that they can learn to obey God, but am I being obedient to what God has told me to do?
I tell Bella and Balian to be gentle with each other and with Isaiah...but am I gentle with them?
When Balian throws fits, I ask him to show me self-control...but do I show self-control when I don't get MY way?
I know that I am human, and I won't ever be perfect. But this is selfishness, pure and simple. I'm selfish with my thoughts, words, and deeds. I want to do what I want to do, and if somebody tries to change my agenda, it's not going to be pretty.
But what I've realized is that it all boils down to not understanding and living within my calling. Rather than living like my children are a Blessing, I have lived as if they are a burden. Not that I would ever say that if you asked me, but my actions have proven otherwise.
What I'm starting to really grasp, is just how intentionally God put me where I am. Because, you see, He didn't give me his blessing to go on and do YWAM. Instead, he helped me to realize that this incredible guy that had been my friend for over 3 years was the man he wanted me to marry. And he Blessed us with 3 beautiful children that He is trusting us to teach about His ways. Instead of traveling around leading worship, He opened the doors for me to lead worship wherever I have lived...Louisiana, New York, Connecticut, Georgia/Florida, Texas...with my family. And He has shown me that unless I am content with and faithful to do what He has called me to do at home, then I won't be content and faithful anywhere else either.
I forget exactly what Elizabeth Elliott said regarding this but it went something like this...If you're asking God for the next thing...how you should serve him, and you aren't getting an answer...then just do what you already know to do - the best you can do it, for His Glory.
So perhaps the reason I've been so discontented and frustrated is that I've been grieving the Holy Spirit - because I haven't been the missionary He called me to be. Perhaps instead of looking outward at what I could do for the Lord, I should simply be looking inward - making sure that my heart is where it needs to be to serve the Lord with gladness everyday I roll out of my bed and enter into my mission field of little ones. How's my attitude? Am I displaying the Fruit of the Spirit? Am I presenting the Gospel today with my actions? Am I serving cheerfully? Would he say "well done, good and faithful servant?"
My hope, and my prayer, is simply to remember that I need the Holy Spirit's help in every way imaginable in this mission field every day. To not take this task lightly. And to see that I have been Blessed with the opportunity to share the gospel everyday with these little ones that are so dear to the Father.
