It's always amazing to me when everything around me lines up into some central HUGE theme. In college, these "themes" would kick my butt over the course of the year, and usually by the end of the year God had kicked my butt enough that I understood why I was learning what I was, what to do about it, then I was obedient and did it.
Right now, there exists a theme in my life that started January of 09. The church that we were a part of at that time (The Bridge Family Worship Center in Yulee, FL) did a church-wide fast for a week. Neil and I took part and we fasted and prayed for direction for the future. During that time, God showed us that we were supposed to get out of the Navy. Along with that, Neil and I felt like God was calling us out and kicking our butts. He was essentially taking a mirror, putting it in front of us and saying "now you tell me - where have you been living out the command I gave to reach out to the orphans and widows - the poor and destitute - the oppressed people in the world?"
In reality - no matter how hard we could have tried to justify it - there's no way that we could really say that we were doing anything.
We looked at our lives and saw just how ridiculous it all was. Although we didn't feel as though we were living extravagantly by any means, by the American standard...who's standard really matters?
Is our righteousness based on comparison to others? If I say that I don't live nearly as extravagantly as this person over here - who cares? Just because we have a lower mortgage, have 5-year-old cars that both have close to or over 100,000 miles and don't have a car payment, does that really matter in the grand scheme of things?
I'm not half as bad as that person over there, so I must be fine. I don't drink; I don't gamble; I don't swear; I'm not cheating on my husband...the list goes on...I go to church; I sing on the praise team; I help in the nursery; I do this that and everything else....
It all boils down to this: We justify, because we don't measure up when we compare our lives to God's call for righteousness.
I'm not saying that anyone is perfect. We aren't. It's the whole reason we need Jesus. But we have to admit that here, in America, we live very sheltered, excessive, materialistic lives. And because of that - we are sheltered from the reality of the oppression and deprivation that goes on in the rest of the world. Because we don't see it - it doesn't bother us and we don't do a darn thing about it.
And for me - writing a check to "adopt" some kid in Africa doesn't cut it. I'm still cut-off. I'm still so separated from reality. Writing a check is easy because we aren't the ones that have to rely upon God's Providence to provide our next meal. I'm not saying this is bad - we need to do it - I'm just saying that it isn't enough. I have a hard time believing that's what God was talking about when he said to reach out to the orphans and widows. But are we doing anything different at this point? umm.. no.
So Neil and I have been on this very unsettling journey that hasn't really seemed to be going anywhere. We went from living a really comfortable life in Georgia, to living a very comfortable life in Texas. In the meantime, we have shared our struggles with each other over how we just are so unsettled. We feel purposeless. frustrated with the day in and day out of living our pretty cookie-cutter life. There's more to life than the way we are living.
The problem is that we have no vision.
We've struggled with what to do with what we have learned. How do we live this out here, in America? Should we even be in America? Is our culture ripping at our souls?
And people think that us not having cable (and therefore having NO channels to watch - ever) is crazy. I know that there is so much that I hold on to. And these things are totally ridiculous.
Example: We moved into a fixer-upper house (aka - it looks "outdated" because it looks like you stepped into a home in the mid-70's.) Last night Neil and I were discussing finances and wanting to get rid of our house that is currently being rented out in GA - so figuring out how to cut costs to bring the mortgage down to where we could sell the house at a current market value. anyway, we brought up using money we have set aside for home improvements to go toward debt. no problem...I've dealt with carpeted bathrooms for a year...I can handle it for another year... then he mentions how it would mean that we wouldn't be replacing the vertical blinds in our bedroom and Man! did my attitude change or what? "I can't stand those things! I don't know if I can deal with that for another year." seriously. I was throwing a fit and trying to justify how new blinds or curtains were suddenly a need rather than a want - and Neil gently reminded me by using my very own words I had quoted only moments before "It's a matter of needs and wants, Pammy." ugh!
I mentioned BSF in an earlier post (what it is). We're studying the book of Isaiah. Every single week I am utterly amazed at how we are so, so much like Israel was then. The women were haughty and stuck-up parading their wealth around by the clothes that they wore and how fabulously their hair was fixed and how beautiful their jewels were. God told them to change or they would be walking around in sackcloth and would end up bald-headed. He would take away the very thing that they were holding on to for dear life: their beauty and their wealth.
Over and over again God tells the people that they are not looking after the orphan, the widow, and the poor. He despises their religion and unrepentant hearts, and because of this, he would close his ears to their prayers - and would not listen!
He yearns for them to return - to turn back to him - to repent - and to do what he had called them to be - His People.
Over and over again, I feel like I am lost in Israel. Because really - aren't we exactly the same? Who are we trying to impress here? Who's opinion really matters? Who is the One who determines a man's righteousness - because He is the One True example of righteousness.
Oh, how much we need Jesus. And how much I long for a greater vision to do what God has called us to do.
Lord, help me.
