First, I must point out that I didn't anticipate the amount of comments from the post about Love and Logic. If any of you thought I had lost all logic, let me say this:
I'm not one to put all of my eggs into one basket. I seek out wisdom through scripture, as well as through other people's expertise and experience. There are so many that are wiser than I, and have been down the road I'm on for many more years than I. I must say that I didnt' agree with everything that Love and Logic had to say. I loved that it was an easy read, and was chalk-full of examples that were easy to apply.
I agree with giving children power over things that I don't need to have control over. I do this by giving choices throughout the day such as what they want to wear, what they want to eat, etc. But then having them stick with their decisions. (deciding to have a PB&J, then changing her mind, doesn't work. she has to eat what she said she wanted.) It teaches them to make choices and stick with them. It also teaches them to be responsible by allowing them the freedom to make good...and bad...decisions within the safety of the home environment when the cost is small, rather than waiting until they are older when the decisions have much greater value. We also give them the freedom to make their own choices because we want them (but cannot make them) make the best decision of their lives - to follow Christ.
I also agree with the cocept of logical consequences because these logical (or reality) consequences are what they will experience in real life. They won't ALWAYS get punished by an authority in real life, but they may "punish" themselves when they make bad choices and deal with the consequences. I feel like my job as a parent isn't to teach a kid not to get caught - or to fear the punishment from authorities. I don't want my kids having a warped understanding of God where they only fear the punishment of hell, wanting only their ticket out of hell. Rather, my job is to teach them to weigh the consequences - both good and bad - and live with those consequences. Just like if I choose to follow God's word, there are the good consequences of a full and abundant life - rather than the bad consequences of separation from our father (not just in the afterlife, but now as well) because of a lack of relationship. This can be quite simple. For a kid who refuses to eat - let him make that choice, and live with the consequences. You can choose to eat or not to eat dinner...but you won't get anything else to eat until breakfast. simple. they learn it right away - mom and dad are still the authority and in power - and most likely the kid will start eating when its time to eat.
However, Love and Logic didn't feel complete to me. Yes, there were verses from the book of proverbs and other examples from scripture (at least, in my 1990's version I got used), but what should our ultimate goal be as parents (other than simply leading our children to know the Lord)?
I bought the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" over a year ago - just because I heard the author, Dr. Kevin Leman, speak on a radio show - not because we were having problems with Bella. The author himself laughs at the title of the book, because it really is impossible to MAKE a child mind. They decide if they want to or not. if not - they suffer the consequences. and that's that.
The entire book, however, is based upon Ephesians 6:1-4 which states:
Children, obey your parents; this is the right thing to do because God hasHe points out however that authority is not synonymous with control or domination. Just like discipline is not synonymous with punishment. He points out that one of the most mis-quoted scriptures regarding discipline is the "spare the rod, spoil the child" verse, which actually reads:
placed them in authority over you. Honor your father and mother. This is the
first of God's Ten Commandments with a promise. And this is the promise: that if
you honor your father and mother, yours will be a long life, full of
blessing.
And now a word to you parents. Don't keep on scolding and nagging your
children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving
discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice.
"He who spares the rod, hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him" Proverbs 13:24
He talks about what the word "rod" is actually supposed to connotate. It's supposed to be more correction and guidance than punishment (like a shepherd's rod). Like in Psalm 23 where it says "thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me". Guidance seems to comfort and teach. Punishment seems to make kids resentful (I know it did me - and I know that Bella seemed to start feeling that way as well.)
That isn't to say that spanking is out of the question (I definitely believe that spanking is necessary at times) - but that it shouldn't be our first line of defense, so to speak. If there is another option - with logical consequences, choices, etc., then use these first. If it is flat-out rebellion (doing the complete opposite of what we have asked), or teaching about boundaries concerning safety, or just simply laying a foundation of what the word "no" means, of course spanking can and should be used.
The main gist though is that kids need to understand that we as parents are the authority, but we aren't the boss. God is the boss, and He has blessed us by placing our children into our care - to be guided, instructed, and lovingly disciplined as needed. But we aren't the boss of our kids. we can't control them. we can try, alright, but they will still make their own decisions. But we can lovingly help them to learn the difference between good and bad choices - right and wrong morals - that nobody is perfect - that we can fogive others when they hurt us - that WE are not perfect and we NEED our savior to be good mommies and daddies - but that we are sinners, saved by Grace by an amazing Holy AND loving God.
That is the kind of parent I strive to be.
