So, with the whirlwind of events that took place all-together at the end of last year definitely took it's toll on Bella. Perhaps it was simply because of all the change. Maybe it was because she was approaching the age of 3. Maybe it was because Mommy was going through a rough time and wasn't herself. Maybe a combination of all of the above. But for whatever the reason, my beautiful, compliant, well-mannered baby girl started to not be so compliant and well-mannered. And the discipline that had been effective before, was not so affective anymore. Time-outs - she could take 'em or leave 'em. Spankings? she'd try to hide her tush, but even those didn't really seem to be phasing her at all. I loved the idea of logical consequences - but how in the world do you really play that out? I needed to bring in reinforcements!
I heard about the book Parenting with Love and Logic from some ladies here who were either just learning about it, or who had been using it as the backbone of their parenting regime (or teaching regime!!) for some time. The more they talked to me about it, the more it seemed....well...Logical.
It's all about using logical consequences to teach kids. We don't really teach them - they teach themselves. We simply give them choices CONSTANTLY throughout the day. Instead of ordering them around and saying "Put on your coat - it's cold outside" we either say "Would you like to wear your coat?" or "would you like to wear your coat or carry it?" The love and logic way teaches them to make the choice themselves and live with the consequences - either by being cold and not having a coat, or by making the choice to put on the coat that they are carrying when they get cold.
Of course - there's a lot more to it than small decisions like carrying a coat.
If a kiddo acts up in the grocery store - the next time you go to the store, you have a friend watch your kiddo and say to the child - "I'm sorry - you can't go with me to the grocery store today, because last time you went with me, it was very difficult for me to get my shopping done. So you are going to stay with Mrs. so-and-so today...but you're going to have to find a way to pay her for watching you..."
They can pay with chores, tonka trucks, tutus...whatever they have that is of value.
You can even set up a plan ahead of time, when you're having a consistent problem at the store, and have a friend wait in the parking lot at a certain time (unkown to the child) until they recieve a phone call and they just "show up" to pick up the kid and take them home because of their misbehavior...and they have to pay the friend for their time.
There are so many aspects of it - but essentially, it all boils down to eliminating power struggles, building self-esteem in children, raising responsible kids in the long-run - and eliminating the tendency for parents to act out in anger. It still takes a good amount of self-control and creativity on the parent's part, but it really is fabulous.
"the van is leaving in 5 minutes. You may choose to leave hungry, or not hungry. your choice."
"would you like to calm down and show self-control here, or would you like to do it in your room?"
"would you like to eat nicely at the table or would you like to play on the floor?"
so far, with Bella, it has worked wonderfully - I'm definitley still learning and testing the waters a bit. But isn't parenting a learning process in general?
Anyway, highly recommended read. Especially if you're having problems with power struggles :)
