The Lord has been taking me on a wild ride.
If you recall from
this post, God asked me to step down from Praise Team.
Back up to about a year ago.
I was feeling discontent, disconnected, and was kinda "going through the motions" when it came to Praise team. For some reason, I just wasn't happy. I was torn as far as what to do. Do I step down? But why would I step down? I didn't even know where the discontentment was coming from.
I remember feeling a nudging from the Holy Spirit. A "whisper", if you will. It was simple. The word "nursery".
I remember mentioning to my friend, Crystal, that I wasn't sure, but I thought God wanted me to step down from Praise Team. She asked why. I said I kinda felt like He was calling me to the nursery. To teach the babies. To teach parents and the other nursery workers that discipleship is entirely possible from birth on up. To take back the time those little ones were in the nursery, and use it for teaching, rather than simply babysitting.
A month or so went by.
Finally, I talked with our children's pastor about stepping up into a teaching role in the nursery. She said I was an answer to prayer!
At this point, even though I felt discontent, I didn't feel released from Praise team. So, every Sunday I would sing during Worship, then once the grade-school kids were released to go to their class during the teaching time, I would go to the nursery. I started out just doing music time with them. I turned on a CD, let the little ones play with kids' musical instruments, and we sang or danced or shook egg-shakers or whatever. After about a month, I started teaching them simple Truths about God. So I would take a passage of scripture, and tell it to them in a way they could understand (hopefully), we would have a short prayer (like, a sentence), then we would have our music time. This lasted about 20 minutes, tops.
While I was doing all of this, I just kept having this thought in the back of my mind. I need training. Yes, I have 3 kids. Yes, these little ones were receiving teaching when they weren't before, but 15 minutes just didn't seem to me to be enough. Perhaps because I was seeing first-hand how my kids were being taught at BSF. Teaching happened during play, while diapers were being changed, while walking down the hall...teaching wasn't simply a Bible story, a prayer, and some singing. It was teaching character. It was the way they speak to the kids, and encourage them to "choose to obey". I had this thought in the back of my mind that it would be so great to receive training through BSF as a children's leader. I mean, if nothing else, it would be training me to be a better parent! The end of the school year was approaching, and the Leadership team would be praying about who to ask to step up into those roles. But even though the thoughts of training were there, I kept thinking that there was just no way that I could make the commitment required. An additional morning for leadership training every week while trying to homeschool seemed out of the question. And I had only volunteered in the children's area once or twice, ever.
Well, they didn't ask me to step up into leadership. Part of me was bummed. The other part of me was relieved.
At the beginning of the year, I signed up as a volunteer in the children's area whenever they needed someone. They always need volunteers. But the ironic thing is that I was never asked to volunteer.
I kept on with praise team. I kept teaching in the nursery.
Then God asked me to step down from Praise team. The nursery and BSF children's leadership were there, in the back of my mind, but I suppose because nothing had changed, and I was already doing nursery while continuing on praise team, that I had just gotten comfortable being there. We had been working on the CD, God had continued to bless me with songs, and music was feeling "right" at the moment. I guess that's why it was such a struggle. I suppose I was simply blind to what He was doing. And oh, don't forget how forgetful I can be. I wasn't even thinking about the connection with nursery.
So I stepped down in obedience, but received little no direction otherwise. I just had to wait.
In the meantime, the nursery director and myself were on the same page, wanting to pour even more into the little ones. We got a curriculum and started alternating weeks teaching. Yay!
This went on for about 2 months.
After realizing that other ladies in my BSF class had been asked to volunteer in the children's area multiple times, and I still hadn't been asked at all, I finally asked someone about it. Apparently my volunteer form had been misplaced somehow, but they got my name again, and said they would put me on the list.
My BSF group leader calls me weekly on Tuesdays. About a month ago, she called me on a Monday. I didn't think much of it, and our conversation went on the same as always...how our week was going, how the lesson was kicking our butts, and if I had any prayer requests.
Then, out of nowhere she asks if I would pray about stepping up into a children's leadership role. Not a volunteer, a regular teacher. I hadn't even had the chance to volunteer yet! I said I would pray about it.
Of course, it didn't take long to get my answer. But I was so torn. But being torn always means the same thing.
TORN- the state of battling between what I want and what God wants. Being torn between flesh and spirit.
Usually when I feel torn about something it's because my flesh is saying one thing, and the Spirit is saying another.
I saw the impossibility. I thought about my responsibility to teach Bella. How would I get everything done? Forget cleaning the house! I was looking at my schedule, and I just didn't see how I could possibly commit to Tuesday and Wednesday mornings...and how I could possibly get to both of those days even earlier, when I was hardly ever making it to BSF on time as it was!
But God...
How many times do we see those words throughout Scripture? Countless.
The Lord encouraged me to open up my planner. To truly look at how I spend my time. How much time do I waste on meaningless things? how much time was I wasting simply because I was stressed out or worried? Was it truly impossible?
God never fails to amaze me.
When I sat down and actually looked at all of the necessary things that needed to be done, there was room for it all. All of Bella's schoolwork, without cutting corners, free play for the kids, Bella's Gymnastics, chores, BSF, BSF training, and I even discovered extra time that could be set aside for play dates or trips to the farm for milk!
Neil gave me his support, so I set up a time to meet with the BSF leader. In that time, I just kept receiving confirmations. We tried out our tentative new schedule, and we loved it! I felt less stressed. I felt like I actually had some free time.
After meeting with my leader, there was all kinds of paperwork, background check, references, etc. that had to be done...but, The Lord caused everything to get filled out, approved, checked, and people called almost overnight.
Last Monday, Neil attended his first BSF Men's class ever.
Last Tuesday I attended my first Leadership meeting. I left in awe. I felt like a dwarf among spiritual giants. How in the world did I receive the absolute privilege of being spurred along by such amazing women of God? And talk about training in prayer! Oh my goodness!
Of course, spiritual warfare had to come in at some point. Neil having more accountability and getting into the Word more...ALL of us studying the same thing in the Word, causing much different conversations to take place at dinner and everywhere. me stepping up into leadership. all in the same week?
But to me it was just confirmation.
On the way home from training, I started feeling like I had fever...a couple hours later the body aches started...great. But God used my homeopath to heal. By 11:45pm, no chills and no body aches. By morning, I was feeling wonderful, minus a runny nose.
So, I started classroom training during regular BSF. Observing the co-leaders. Watching how they handled discipline, teaching, and everything they do.
More spiritual warfare. Everyone was battling sickness. Neil got the flu-like symptoms I had gotten. Again, God used Homeopathy to heal. We still have sniffles. All of us. The enemy has attacked our home - the atmosphere, children's obedience, my moods, attitudes, etc. I left Leadership training this week in tears. Not because of being overwhelmed with what I need to learn, but because the enemy was attacking me with condemnation. Making me feel like I was in no place to teach children. Bringing on the guilt.
BUT...God has a way of transforming us and we are never the same. Two months ago, I would have given in. I would have started feeling guilty, condemned, and had a horrible attitude. Not this time. I stood on God's promises. I claimed God's Truths. That He had called me to this place.
What I didn't realize when God called me to step down from praise team was this:
He was calling me to give up something that wasn't growing my faith, so that He could put me in a place where I have to have utter dependence on Him, so that my Faith could grow.
With praise team, I was going through the motions. I wasn't depending on God to help me accomplish something. I had been singing and doing praise team for so long that it was just simply what I did. It wasn't growing my faith. It wasn't requiring dependence on Him alone.
The battles that I have fought haven't been for nothing. If I felt like I was Mom of the Year, I wouldn't be as dependant on God right now, and He wouldn't receive the glory for everything going on. But because of the struggles, because of my feelings of unworthiness, God is able to show me that He does not choose us based on good works, or how powerful we are, or the strength of our character. No. His Grace is based on His Goodness, not mine. He reminds me that I am hidden in Christ (Col. 3), so that he no longer sees me and my filthy rags, but instead sees the Righteousness of Christ. I can't claim to understand it, but I stand on it, in Faith.
I also know that the enemy has a way of attacking God's people in the exact place that God is calling them to. His goal is to discourage. To make us feel as though we will never be able to do the very thing that God wants us to do. I have had to battle with thoughts of "how could I possibly teach other people's kids, when I don't even feel like I'm doing anything right with my own kids?" Isn't that so sly of the enemy?
Months ago I journaled this thought:
"Could orphans be my destiny? Could taking care of many children be the very thing that You want me to do? Children have been my passion, yet it is with my own children where I feel the most vulnerable to lies from the enemy. Could you be pruning me back, testing my patience, and building my character with my own flesh and blood, so that those children that are not from my own flesh receive true love that embodies and exemplifies Your Nature? "
God uses every bit of it for His Glory. He uses it to draw us closer to himself. To prune us. To refine us. To put us in a place of complete surrender and complete dependence on Him. To put us in a place where prayer is necessary, then see how prayer works.
And where is God proving Himself to me right now? Prayer.
I heard a quote from C.S. Lewis that ended with this: "prayer doesn't change God; it changes me."
It changes my thoughts. It changes my attitudes. It prepares me for Battle. It draws me closer to the Savior. And God uses it to prove Himself faithful.
He is always faithful.
He is causing all things to come together for Good.
He always does.
Always.
