I feel like my world has been rocked. And yet, at the same time I feel as though I'm finally finding some clarity.
The past 2.5 years have been such a struggle. I just haven't been "me".
I've been trying to see clearly through thick fog. Squinting. Straining to see what's in front of me. Trying to make out the lines that keep me on the right side of the road. Moving forward slowly, yet feeling like I'm not moving forward at all.
Yet I've been in the Word. Growing in knowledge. And drawing closer to the Savior.
I've been on my face before the Lord. Literally. Countless times. Crying out. Drawing near to the Lord in ways that I never have before - in ways I've never needed to before.
In the midst of my weakness, I have taken my failings to the only One who can transform.
And yet, in my weakness, Satan has used it as an opportunity to plant seeds of doubt in so many ways.
I would read the Word, and see how far I was from where I wanted to be.
I would confess, repent, draw near to God, and yet, I looked and saw the same things present in my life. The same feelings. The same actions.
I longed for transformation.
There were times that I would be doing ok for a while. Good days. It brought hope that perhaps things were changing. I would go on-sometimes days, sometimes weeks even - where I felt as though I was truly being transformed.
But I was never truly out of the fog.
I still felt weighed down. I still felt like something just wasn't right. I still just wasn't me.
What happened to my fire?
What happened to the life? The spark? The sense of adventure?
The one who was passionate about life?
The one who loved with everything she had?
I started to question everything. Where had I gone wrong?
Did I have unconfessed sin in my life?
Was there some unforgiveness?
Why do I feel this way?
I would wonder what I was doing wrong. What I needed to change.
So then I started going into this works-based mindset. What can I do? How can I change?
Because if I was drawing near to the Lord and I wasn't being transformed, surely I was doing something wrong.
I thought that I had failed.
But a works-based mindset can only lead to behavior modification. Not true transformation.I even came to question my Salvation itself, because I still was struggling to see fruit in my life. I mean, if we know a tree by its fruit (Matthew 7:17-18), and my fruit was bad, then I must not really know the Lord like I say I do, right?
But that would simply bring me back to the quiet place to find refuge and strength. I would cast my cares on the Lord. He would renew my hope.
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV84)
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
(Isaiah 40:31 NIV)
I was doing all the right things. Going to the right place. My heart was even in the right place. So why wasn't I getting better? It even felt as though I was getting worse.
10 hours of sleep at night, and I was still exhausted.
Mood swings would come out of nowhere...still...when 2.5 years ago I never had a short fuse.
Getting angry over ridiculous things.
Crying at times that seemed just as ridiculous.
Getting really bothered by affection...when I used to be known for my hugs...
Lack of motivation.
I saw all of these symptoms, and many more.
Was it possible that my hormones were still not regulated? I kept waiting to feel better...but it never happened.
After a conversation with a woman at my church, and prayer, I felt compelled to go back to the doctor. I started looking up symptoms. Maybe it was my Thyroid? Who knows?
But I was willing to, if nothing else, see if there was even a physical problem there.
My doctor tested hormones, thyroid, even vitamins and minerals (B12, Iron, etc.) in my blood to try to find the root of the problem.
A little over a week later I was called with the test results.
Nothing. Nothing was abnormal. My blood test came back perfect.
Most people would be ecstatic. Not me. I was confused.
I still had a follow-up appointment to go over the test results. Not really sure why. But I went.
A doctor- a different one- a woman came in to go over the results with me.
"this should be easy," she said. "everything looks perfect."
My respnse: "We did the tests to see what was wrong. If the tests are all normal, then why do I have all of these symptoms?"
She asked me to go over my symptoms again. I started crying right there. Saying "see? What is wrong with me?"
Then she asked me something really weird.
"are you craving sugar all the time?"
Yes...totally confused.
Then she started talking to me about Seretonin levels. That I was showing all of the symptoms of low Seretonin.
Low Seretonin = Depression
It was the first time I had ever heard of Depression as a physical problem rather than an emotional problem.
My Doctor then came in to talk to me about it some more. He told me that Depression puts this image in people's minds of someone crying in a corner, but that more times than not, Depression shows itself in people who just say that they just don't feel like themselves. They just don't feel good.
He said that he suspected Depression when he ran the tests, but he wanted to eliminate other possibilities first.
They started talking about medicine, and I got kinda freaked out.
Anti-depressants? I didn't know how I felt about that.
But the more I talked to my Doctor, the more ok with it I felt.
Could all of the stuff I had been through be summed up to a physical problem of low Seretonin?
I knew I had symptoms of depression. I never questioned that. My questions were always about the reason why.
I always had in my head that the Depression was caused because of a deeper problem. I mean, it showed up right after having Balian, so it had to have started because of hormones, right? But as time went on and I wasn't getting better, more times than not I just assumed that what I was going through had to be a spiritual problem. What I hadn't realized was that physical problems can affect my spiritual life, but that doesn't make it a spiritual problem.
Perhaps it wasn't because of a lack of faith that I wasn't healed.
Perhaps it was a physical issue that I was trying to make a spiritual issue.
Now, does that mean that I believe any less in God's healing power? Absolutely not!
What I am saying is that God heals in different ways. It isn't always some supernatural healing that can't be explained.
Sometimes He heals in common ways, by going to the doctor, by taking medicine. By receiving treatments.
Does that mean that we don't go to God and ask Him to heal? Absolutely not!
Because weather by supernatural means, or by wisdom and medicine, it is God that does the healing.
He is "Able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)
He is able to heal in ways that can only be explained by the Power of God.
And He is able to heal through medicine, because any wisdom that man possesses came from God in the first place. Weather man knows it or not. Weather man acknowledges it or not.
Either way, God deserves the Glory.
And that is what truly matters. God receiving the Glory.
That is our ultimate purpose here, on earth. To give God the Glory.
I can't explain why God works in one way with one person and another way with another person, except that perhaps God receives the Glory best in different ways in different people's lives.
Why were Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego saved IN the furnace rather than being saved FROM the furnace? (Daniel 3)
Why did God tell Naaman, throgh Elisha, to go dip into the river 7 times to be healed, even though he expected something different. "I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy." (2 Kings 5:11 NIV)
Why did Jesus put mud on a man's eyes to heal his blindness (John 9), and at other times He simply spoke (John 4, and others)?
Why did some get healed by going into the healing pool and others never had the chance to get in there in the first place (John 5)?
God heals in different ways at different times.
God works in different ways, depending on the circumstances.
But His goal is always the same. For us to draw near to Him, and for Him to receive the Glory.
I haven't been healed yet. I'm still awaiting my healing. The fog is still there. I'm still squinting and looking ahead and wondering if I'm truly moving forward. But I'm believing that the fog will eventually clear.
I believe that God is able to heal me.
I believe He will heal me, in whatever capacity He chooses.
And just like those 3 men who said "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not..."(Daniel 3:13, 17, 18 NIV).
Even if He doesn't, I will still praise Him.
Because God has already given me Victory through His Son.
I wrote this song a while back. It's the one that we've recorded for the CD. Although I don't have the music for you to listen to, I can at least give the words.
I have treasure in this jar of clay
Overflowing with your goodness, even though I break
Though at times it may seem I'm lost in defeat
I'll remember you've already brought the victory.
You never said that victory meant having things my way
But instead that you conquered all when you overcame the grave
Help me walk in your joy so the world can see
That you've already brought the victory
So I will count it joy when trials come my way
When the world around me crumbles and seems in disarray
I am hard-pressed on every side, but I won't give up
And every strife that this world brings, you have overcome with love
Help me keep my eyes fixed on the cross and through your Word remind me
That you've already brought the victory
So I praise you, Jesus, in the midst of my pain
Knowing battles that I come against will bring you fame
Yes, you are good, and from your throne you can see
And you've already brought the victory
You've already brought the victory.
