Trust and Obey: Part 2

The Lord has been taking me on a wild ride.

If you recall from this post, God asked me to step down from Praise Team.

Back up to about a year ago.

I was feeling discontent, disconnected, and was kinda "going through the motions" when it came to Praise team.  For some reason, I just wasn't happy.  I was torn as far as what to do.  Do I step down?  But why would I step down?  I didn't even know where the discontentment was coming from.

I remember feeling a nudging from the Holy Spirit.  A "whisper", if you will.  It was simple.  The word "nursery".

I remember mentioning to my friend, Crystal, that I wasn't sure, but I thought God wanted me to step down from Praise Team.  She asked why.  I said I kinda felt like He was calling me to the nursery.  To teach the babies.  To teach parents and the other nursery workers that discipleship is entirely possible from birth on up.  To take back the time those little ones were in the nursery, and use it for teaching, rather than simply babysitting.

A month or so went by.

Finally, I talked with our children's pastor about stepping up into a teaching role in the nursery.  She said I was an answer to prayer!

At this point, even though I felt discontent, I didn't feel released from Praise team.  So, every Sunday I would sing during Worship, then once the grade-school kids were released to go to their class during the teaching time, I would go to the nursery.  I started out just doing music time with them.  I turned on a CD, let the little ones play with kids' musical instruments, and we sang or danced or shook egg-shakers or whatever.  After about a month, I started teaching them simple Truths about God.  So I would take a passage of scripture, and tell it to them in a way they could understand (hopefully), we would have a short prayer (like, a sentence), then we would have our music time.  This lasted about 20 minutes, tops.

While I was doing all of this, I just kept having this thought in the back of my mind.  I need training.  Yes, I have 3 kids.  Yes, these little ones were receiving teaching when they weren't before, but 15 minutes just didn't seem to me to be enough.  Perhaps because I was seeing first-hand how my kids were being taught at BSF.  Teaching happened during play, while diapers were being changed, while walking down the hall...teaching wasn't simply a Bible story, a prayer, and some singing.  It was teaching character.  It was the way they speak to the kids, and encourage them to "choose to obey".  I had this thought in the back of my mind that it would be so great to receive training through BSF as a children's leader.  I mean, if nothing else, it would be training me to be a better parent!  The end of the school year was approaching, and the Leadership team would be praying about who to ask to step up into those roles.  But even though the thoughts of training were there, I kept thinking that there was just no way that I could make the commitment required.  An additional morning for leadership training every week while trying to homeschool seemed out of the question.  And I had only volunteered in the children's area once or twice, ever.

Well, they didn't ask me to step up into leadership.  Part of me was bummed.  The other part of me was relieved.

At the beginning of the year, I signed up as a volunteer in the children's area whenever they needed someone.  They always need volunteers.  But the ironic thing is that I was never asked to volunteer. 

I kept on with praise team.  I kept teaching in the nursery.

Then God asked me to step down from Praise team.  The nursery and BSF children's leadership were there, in the back of my mind, but I suppose because nothing had changed, and I was already doing nursery while continuing on praise team, that I had just gotten comfortable being there.  We had been working on the CD, God had continued to bless me with songs, and music was feeling "right" at the moment.  I guess that's why it was such a struggle.  I suppose I was simply blind to what He was doing.  And oh, don't forget how forgetful I can be.  I wasn't even thinking about the connection with nursery.

So I stepped down in obedience, but received little no direction otherwise.  I just had to wait.

In the meantime, the nursery director and myself were on the same page, wanting to pour even more into the little ones.  We got a curriculum and started alternating weeks teaching.  Yay!

This went on for about 2 months.

After realizing that other ladies in my BSF class had been asked to volunteer in the children's area multiple times, and I still hadn't been asked at all, I finally asked someone about it.  Apparently my volunteer form had been misplaced somehow, but they got my name again, and said they would put me on the list.

My BSF group leader calls me weekly on Tuesdays.  About a month ago, she called me on a Monday.  I didn't think much of it, and our conversation went on the same as always...how our week was going, how the lesson was kicking our butts, and if I had any prayer requests.

Then, out of nowhere she asks if I would pray about stepping up into a children's leadership role.  Not a volunteer, a regular teacher.  I hadn't even had the chance to volunteer yet!  I said I would pray about it.

Of course, it didn't take long to get my answer.  But I was so torn.  But being torn always means the same thing.

TORN- the state of battling between what I want and what God wants.  Being torn between flesh and spirit.

Usually when I feel torn about something it's because my flesh is saying one thing, and the Spirit is saying another.

I saw the impossibility.  I thought about my responsibility to teach Bella.  How would I get everything done?  Forget cleaning the house!  I was looking at my schedule, and I just didn't see how I could possibly commit to Tuesday and Wednesday mornings...and how I could possibly get to both of those days even earlier, when I was hardly ever making it to BSF on time as it was!

But God...

How many times do we see those words throughout Scripture?  Countless.

The Lord encouraged me to open up my planner.  To truly look at how I spend my time.  How much time do I waste on meaningless things?  how much time was I wasting simply because I was stressed out or worried?  Was it truly impossible?

God never fails to amaze me.

When I sat down and actually looked at all of the necessary things that needed to be done, there was room for it all.  All of Bella's schoolwork, without cutting corners, free play for the kids, Bella's Gymnastics, chores, BSF, BSF training, and I even discovered extra time that could be set aside for play dates or trips to the farm for milk!  

Neil gave me his support, so I set up a time to meet with the BSF leader.  In that time, I just kept receiving confirmations.  We tried out our tentative new schedule, and we loved it!  I felt less stressed.  I felt like I actually had some free time.

After meeting with my leader, there was all kinds of paperwork, background check, references, etc. that had to be done...but, The Lord caused everything to get filled out, approved, checked, and people called almost overnight.

Last Monday, Neil attended his first BSF Men's class ever.  

Last Tuesday I attended my first Leadership meeting.  I left in awe.  I felt like a dwarf among spiritual giants.  How in the world did I receive the absolute privilege of being spurred along by such amazing women of God?  And talk about training in prayer!  Oh my goodness!

Of course, spiritual warfare had to come in at some point.  Neil having more accountability and getting into the Word more...ALL of us studying the same thing in the Word, causing much different conversations to take place at dinner and everywhere.  me stepping up into leadership.  all in the same week?  

But to me it was just confirmation.

On the way home from training, I started feeling like I had fever...a couple hours later the body aches started...great.  But God used my homeopath to heal.  By 11:45pm, no chills and no body aches.  By morning, I was feeling wonderful, minus a runny nose.

So, I started classroom training during regular BSF.  Observing the co-leaders.  Watching how they handled discipline, teaching, and everything they do.

More spiritual warfare.  Everyone was battling sickness.  Neil got the flu-like symptoms I had gotten.  Again, God used Homeopathy to heal.  We still have sniffles.  All of us.  The enemy has attacked our home - the atmosphere, children's obedience, my moods, attitudes, etc.  I left Leadership training this week in tears.  Not because of being overwhelmed with what I need to learn, but because the enemy was attacking me with condemnation.  Making me feel like I was in no place to teach children.  Bringing on the guilt. 

BUT...God has a way of transforming us and we are never the same.  Two months ago, I would have given in.  I would have started feeling guilty, condemned, and had a horrible attitude.  Not this time.  I stood on God's promises.  I claimed God's Truths.  That He had called me to this place.  

What I didn't realize when God called me to step down from praise team was this:

He was calling me to give up something that wasn't growing my faith, so that He could put me in a place where I have to have utter dependence on Him, so that my Faith could grow.

With praise team, I was going through the motions.  I wasn't depending on God to help me accomplish something.  I had been singing and doing praise team for so long that it was just simply what I did.  It wasn't growing my faith.  It wasn't requiring dependence on Him alone.

The battles that I have fought haven't been for nothing.  If I felt like I was Mom of the Year, I wouldn't be as dependant on God right now, and He wouldn't receive the glory for everything going on.  But because of the struggles, because of my feelings of unworthiness, God is able to show me that He does not choose us based on good works, or how powerful we are, or the strength of our character.  No.  His Grace is based on His Goodness, not mine.  He reminds me that I am hidden in Christ (Col. 3), so that he no longer sees me and my filthy rags, but instead sees the Righteousness of Christ.  I can't claim to understand it, but I stand on it, in Faith.

I also know that the enemy has a way of attacking God's people in the exact place that God is calling them to.  His goal is to discourage.  To make us feel as though we will never be able to do the very thing that God wants us to do.  I have had to battle with thoughts of "how could I possibly teach other people's kids, when I don't even feel like I'm doing anything right with my own kids?"  Isn't that so sly of the enemy?

Months ago I journaled this thought: 

"Could orphans be my destiny?  Could taking care of many children be the very thing that You want me to do?  Children have been my passion, yet it is with my own children where I feel the most vulnerable to lies from the enemy.  Could you be pruning me back, testing my patience, and building my character with my own flesh and blood, so that those children that are not from my own flesh receive true love that embodies and exemplifies Your Nature? "

God uses every bit of it for His Glory.  He uses it to draw us closer to himself.  To prune us.  To refine us.  To put us in a place of complete surrender and complete dependence on Him.  To put us in a place where prayer is necessary, then see how prayer works.

And where is God proving Himself to me right now?  Prayer.

I heard a quote from C.S. Lewis that ended with this: "prayer doesn't change God; it changes me."

It changes my thoughts.  It changes my attitudes.  It prepares me for Battle.  It draws me closer to the Savior.  And God uses it to prove Himself faithful.

He is always faithful.

He is causing all things to come together for Good.

He always does.

Always.

My New Adventure: Homeopathy, Butter, and Getting Healthy Again

I went to a local dairy farm today. All the dairy comes from grass(not treated with pesticides)-fed Jersey cows that are not given any extra hormones.  It isn't pasteurized or homogenized.  I bought 2 gallons of raw milk, a quart of cream, a quart of yogurt, and a pound of cheddar cheese.

Bella, Balian, and Isaiah got to see a bunch of calves, one of which was very vocal with his mooing.

Before you start getting hysterical on me about how I'm going to end up in the hospital because of diseased milk, let me 'splain.  Just FYI:

In Texas, to sell raw milk, it has to be bought on the primes is of the farm, and the farm has to have a dairy retail permit.  In order to keep their permit to sell raw milk, the milk is tested once a month for any disease that people tend to think would be in unpaseurized milk (TB, etc.).

Now, let me backtrack a bit.

My Doc put me on anti-depressants.  At the time, it was a good move, because I was a wreck. For. Real.

BUT, it wasn't something I was ok with being on long-term, or for LIFE!  I felt better for the first month or so, but then, just as I had suspected, medicating didn't get to the root of the problem, but rather masked symptoms, and my symptoms started coming back.  Not ALL of them, but most of them.

I just kept having this thought that it was a nutrition issue.  Was something I was eating, not eating, etc., causing a lot of my symptoms?

I looked into the gluten thing.  I mean I had something crazy like 14 symptoms associated with gluten intolerance, and so many people seem to be sensitive to wheat, right?  It was worth a shot.  But after trying to go gluten-free for a couple of weeks, I didn't feel any better.

I really wasn't feeling depressed.  I was anxious.  Stressed out to the point that my back was tense ALL the time.  Constant loud noise just sent me through the roof, and with 3 kids noise is inevitable.  Too much going on at once, like during school-time when I was trying to teach Bella and the boys were occupied (but still moving, wiggling, or talking), were the absolute worst times.  I just couldn't handle it.

My time with Jesus- fabulous.  I feel closer to The Lord than I ever have.  Getting into the Word.  Doing prayer-walks, journaling, writing songs, and really the most constant communication I have had with Him, ever.  Actually being able to hear those still small whispers as if they were screams, at times.

I'll admit that I haven't been running lately.  I know that's huge, but seriously.  Anyone that has 3 kids and is a night owl that doesn't like to run at night, and can't get her butt out of bed any earlier...if you are able to find a way to fit it in with little ones and homeschool...along with everything else, then by all means, PLEASE share your wealth of knowledge as to how you fit it in :)

The other thing that I have thought about is that this is the first place I have lived since I started college that I haven't been a part of a small group, or had a close-knit circle of girlfriends.  I have a few girlfriends that I know from all different places, and we also have a home church.  I usually get together (via play dates) with one of my girls every week.  But one-on-one time with these ladies has been rare, if at all.  I am so thankful for carpooling to BSF with my friend, Dani.  That 45-minute drive has been such a blessing, kids in tow and all :)

I won't always be surrounded with community.  And sometimes, even when I am, I go through times of loneliness.  But honestly, right now, I don't feel lonely.  I really think that this is one of those times that God has been teaching me that He is enough.  I can only truly be satisfied in Him anyway.  Friends, fellowship, and true community are amazing Blessings, but we won't always be in a time of plenty, and wealth has many faces.  We always tend to think about money, but sometimes it's simply having a wealth of community.  Right now, my wealth is communion with The Lord. 

Jamie is a new friend of mine.  I met her at church, when she and her family moved back to Granbury from doing missions in Germany.  She is homeschooling her daughter, Victoria, who is Bella's age, and has become Bella's BFF.  She and I seem to be very like-minded, always looking for the most natural way to do things.  Talking to Jamie about the past 3 years, she just kept saying "You need to go see Barbara."

Barbara is a classic Homeopath, meaning she practices Homeopathy, or natural healing.  It's not weird.  It's actually quite logical.  Most MDs will look at the symptoms, and when you have a lot of different types of symptoms, they tend to think they are separate things.  Homeopathy looks at the whole person- physical symptoms, emotional symptoms, life events, etc., and they try to get to the root of the problem, and find how the symptoms are somehow connected.  A Homeopath will spend hours pouring over one case, trying to fit all the pieces together.

Barbara is not only a Homeopath, but she also has a background in psychology and nutrition as well.  And she at least believes that God is the Creator, based on our conversation.

She took one look at my symptoms, and said immediately that I had a lot of vitamin deficiencies.

As we dug deeper and got into medical history, life events, diet, etc., she just kept taking notes...and kept shaking her head.  Like she was saying,"this poor girl is so messed up..."

3 years ago, my labor with Balian was pretty traumatic.  Induced with Pitocin, without pain meds. They broke my water.  Fast delivery without pushing. Cord wrapped around his neck.  Body went into shock after.  Had to give me a shot to stop me from hemmoraging.  Insane, really.  For those that don't know labors otherwise, this really isn't normal.  It isn't natural.  My body rebelled.

Because of losing a lot of blood, I became deficient in vitamins and minerals necessary to deal with stress.  Add to that, not only the stress of the labor, and adjusting to a new baby, but also getting out of the Navy, moving twice in 2 months and ending up halfway across the country, the unexpected future because of Neil not having a job lined up yet, finding a home...and you get the picture.  I just couldn't handle it all.

My deficiencies continued.

The ironic part is that Barbara said that I was showing a lot of B-vitamin deficiencies, and my blood work, via the MD, came back normal, and my B12 looked amazing on paper.  Barbara explained to me that it can take up to 30 years for b-vitamin deficiencies to show up in blood work, because the body takes from vitamin stores...meaning the skin, the gums and teeth...other places in the body that need those vitamins as well (think pregnancy gengivitis, for example).  So...when symptoms show up, it is the body's way of saying it needs more nutrients.

Then, we went on a vegan diet.  Healthiest thing you can do, right?  Apparently not.  

I not only left that appointment with 3 raw vitamin supplements (you don't want to know what's in them), and a homeopathic remedy, but I also received a very different lesson on nutrition than what I have ever been taught.

When you hear "if you don't do anything else, please eat coconut oil and REAL, full-fat butter", you kinda do a double-take.

Barbara recommended that Neil and I read this book:

Interesting, huh?

Raw milk.  Culturing your own milk. Soaking flour before using it.  Sprouting grains.  Grass-fed cows.  Organic free-range eggs.  No chocolate.  Only (true) natural sweeteners.  Nothing processed.

And I thought cooking would get easier...

Pretty much the book takes nutrition back to the way that cultures have eaten traditionally, forever.

It goes so much more in depth than I have ever read about nutrition.  And that says a lot.  I've read a lot.

We typically hear that animal fats cause blocked arteries.  But we never hear that the reason behind it is not the animal products themselves, but rather the processing of them, or the way that animals are raised.

In brief, if we just consume things the proper way, the natural way that God created them, and stop mucking everything up, we would all be much, much healthier.

Not just in the way things are processed, but even the processes we use to do our cooking.

Pretty eye-opening.

But so far, I'm feeling pretty good because of the supplements, and hopefully changing my diet will help keep me from being deficient in the vitamins I need.

When I have "accidentally" forgotten to take my Rx, I've felt better, and had much better days than when I have taken it, if that says anything.

Only time will tell.

In the meantime...I've got a quart of pure cream sitting on the counter so it will sour...so I can turn it into butter and buttermilk in the morning.  Butter to cook with, and buttermilk to soak my flour in so my body digests it more easily.

Food for thought, huh?

I'd love to see your comments on this one ;)

Trust and Obey

  How many times have I told my children they need to listen, and obey- right away, all the way, in a happy way?  So many times I have wondered if I have been any kind of example for them to follow.  Do I obey God right away, all the way, in a happy way?  Or, do I hesitate, delay my obedience, only do as much as I feel comfortable doing, or grumble about what I'm supposed to do when I actually do it?

This week I have been studying about Abraham's call from God to leave everything he had known and go wherever God led him.  He had no clue where he was going when he left, and yet, he brought everyone and everything he had with him on his journey- never questioning God, but simply obeying, knowing that He who has promised is faithful.

Then, when God told Abraham to sacrifice his only son- the one in whom God said Abraham's promise would begin to be fulfilled through, he still trusted that God would keep his promise.  That He would make a way, even if it meant raising Issac from the dead. He trusted God completely, and obeyed God one step at a time, calmly and confidently.  He knew that whatever God spoke would come to pass.  Every promise would be fulfilled.  

What an incredible example of true faith and trust in God alone.

In the midst of studying Abraham, God's Word seemed to be screaming at me, if that is possible.  You see, there is this thing that the Holy Spirit has whispered softly on occasion to me over the past couple of months - putting a bug in my ear so to speak.  I never had confirmation of what I was supposed to do, but I have been praying for it.

My answer came through God's Word, and the gentle (or not so gentle) voice of the Holy Spirit.  As I'm reading and studying, He says "you know that thing that you've been wondering about- the thing that you wanted confirmation about- yeah, you need to follow Abraham's example.  I need you to act in faith and obey."

I suppose true faith comes when we give up the very thing we love the most.

Even if it is something that God has completely directed our path in.  When His fingerprints are everywhere.  When you question "surely you don't mean that, Lord."

Maybe He just wants me to show Him that I care for Him and love Him more than any hope, dream, or desire.  To show Him I love Him, the Gift- Giver more than I love the gift.  That I will trust, obey, and follow Him no matter the cost.  To make sure that He, rather than me, will be glorified.

I don't know the reason.  I don't understand it.  I have no idea what is ahead.

Does He want me to give up something good, so that He can give me His Best?

Is it simply a test of faith and obedience?

Is it a change of seasons in my life?

I have no clue.

God has asked me to step down from Praise team.

Even though music has been the constant thing in my life since I was 4 years old.

Even though God, not me, put me in specific places of leadership or training to equip me as a worship leader.

Even though our praise team hasn't finished our CD that has 2 of the songs God gave me on it.

Even though, only 2 weeks ago, He gave me this huge burst of creativity, and in a week, we finished or wrote completely 4 new songs He put on my heart.

Even though as far as we know, we are staying right where we are, in Granbury, and at Generations Church.

There are so many of those "Even though..."s.

And yet, all He has asked is for simple obedience.  Simple trust.  Simple faith.

It is definitely not simple.  Not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

But it doesn't matter.

These are the words to one of the songs I was given:

"The more I seek your face the more I seem to find my way,

It's in losing all of me that I bring glory to your name.

Help me lose control, and gain your strength, as I disappear in you,

Make less and less of me until your Spirit shines through

I need you, Lord

And with every passing hour, I know I need you more than ever

I need you more

I could never get enough of you

I need your Grace to pull me through

I need your love, oh Lord, I need you more

Take my hopes and dreams, and all my plans, and make them what you will

Take everything that's of myself, everything that's not of you

For nothing in this world could offer anything you give

Who else could speak to dead men's bones, breathe life, and make them live?

I give up

I know I'm nothing without you

Pour me out, pour me out

No matter what the cost, 

I know without you I am lost

But now, I'm finding you"

It's always amazing how God prepares my heart for the next step through giving me songs.  He is literally singing over me.

How could I NOT trust Him?

I met with our worship pastor this evening.  He wasn't happy that God was taking me away, but he released me and blessed me, and encouraged me in my walk of faith.

And that is what I am doing; walking in faith.

Now I have to be still, and do what I know to do as I wait, until in His time, He calls me to whatever His will for me may be.

May God receive Glory for whatever He is doing in me.

He who has promised is faithful.  Always.

Bella's Salvation Story

  My baby girl received the gift of Salvation today.

I have no doubt in my mind that it was a true heart transformation rather than simply understanding in her head.  I knew that she had wrapped her mind around it.  You can look at this post for that understanding.

But today was much different.

She knows the story.  She could tell you how you get to heaven and live with Jesus forever.  She could quote Psalm 23, or tell you all about Jonah, Joshua, Moses, Paul, Adam and Eve, and Jesus.  She sings songs to God constantly - even makes up her own.

But I was always not really sure about where she truly stood in relationship with God.  I had never seen her have a heart of true repentance.

But God...

How many times do we see those words in Scripture?

This week we have been studying about Cain and Able.  We opened God's Word together at home, we talked about it while driving in the car, and we learned even more about it at BSF.

And can I just pause here and share how amazing our God is!

Bella came home after church on Sunday with a cough and a fever of about 102.

Monday was even worse.  Her fever spiked up to 103.9 at one point. 

Tuesday she seemed to be getting better.  No medicine required to keep the fever down to low-grade.

Wednesday morning, she woke up without fever and feeling fine.

Wednesday is BSF day.  Usually I have this 24- hr. rule about fever.  If they have any fever 24 hours before they could potentially expose other kids, then we don't go.  That simple.

Wednesday morning, I thought well, low-grade yesterday, no fever this morning...she should be good to go.  That 24- hr. rule kept coming to mind, but I felt an even stronger nudging (the unquestionable kind) that we should go.  That we were going.  No questions asked.  No looking back.

When Bella arrived at her class, her teacher drew a heart on her hand and put a letter "o" inside the heart.  She told Bella that God wants us to obey Him in our hearts.

For some reason I just wanted to cry right there in the hallway.

So Bella learned all about Cain and Able.  How Able obeyed God in his heart, but Cain sinned against God in his heart.

After we got home from BSF, Bella's temp skyrocketed again to 102.8.

Of course this made me immediately feel horrible for going to BSF and exposing other kids to who knows what.

(Called the doc, went to get her checked out this morning, and she had a smidge of pneumonia.  We caught it very early.  He said it probably just started out as a cold that just settled into her lungs.)

Ok, now it's been a crazy kind of day.  Driving to Cleburne to the doctor, getting a prescription filled....oh, and Isaiah refused to take a nap because he took a cat- nap on the 20- minute drive home from CVS :(

I had asked Bella and Balian to clean up some of their stuff.  Yes, I realize she has pneumonia, but if she felt good enough to play outside and ride her bike in the driveway, she felt good enough to pick up her toys...

I was in the kitchen, with a screaming toddler at my ankles, attempting to get dinner started.  We have a pass-through from our kitchen to living room.  Bella came to the living room, crying, and was trying to talk to me about something.  I couldn't hear her because of the screaming child, so I asked her to come into the kitchen.

Then she said, "Mommy, Jesus just told me something that I don't like."

The past 2 weeks or so, Bella has been telling me at random times that Jesus told her                 .  But this was a new one.  I didn't know weather it was conviction, or if I was going to need to speak Truth over a lie of the enemy.

So, very cautiously, I asked her what Jesus had told her.

"Jesus told me that I need to obey, even if I don't want to."

Yup, that was the Holy Spirit alright.

"Yes, that's true, Bella.  I too have to obey even when I don't want to."

"I try really hard to obey, Mommy, but I just don't know how." (Sobbing)

"And I don't obey all the time either.  You know why?"

Shakes her head no.

"Because of sin.  We all sin.  We all have sin in our heart."

"My sin is blocking the Holy Spirit from my heart!" 

I think I had to pick my jaw up off the floor...how in the world does she understand such things at her age?

She is almost hysterical at this point.

"Bella, that is why we have Jesus.  That's why Jesus died for you.  You don't have to have sin in your heart.  Jesus already died for ALL of your sin.  Every sin you have already done.  Every sin you will do.  He already knew what you would do, but He died for you anyway.  He loves you, and He wants to take your sin away.  All you have to do is tell Jesus that you are sorry, tell Him what you are sorry for, then ask Him to forgive you.  And you know what?  He will.  As soon as you ask, because He already knows your heart.  He already sees that you are sorry.  He just wants to hear it from you."

"I don't like the sin in my heart."

"You know what, Bella, that is a very good thing."

"Why?"

"Because if we hate our sin, it shows that we really love Jesus."

"I DO love Jesus!"

"I know you do.  No doubt about it.  You love Jesus.  Now, do you want to talk to Him and tell Him that you are sorry?"

"Can you talk to Jesus for me?"

"No, Bella.  You have to be the one to talk to Him.  He needs to hear it from you.  He wants to hear it from your heart.  I can't tell Him that you are sorry.  Only you can do that.  If you want me to, I can start out and Pray for you, then you can pray, and ask Jesus to forgive you."

"Ok."

So I prayed for Bella, thanking God for the Work He had done in her heart.  For the beautiful child that she is.

Then Bella said simply, with a true child-like faith, "Jesus, I'm sorry for disobeying you.  Can you please take the sin out of my heart?"

I told her that Jesus was quick to forgive those that come to Him truly sorry for their sin.

She was still sobbing, and now coughing.

I told her that her sin was gone.  That she had nothing to be upset about anymore.  No reason to feel guilty or shameful.  She had been forgiven!  I told her that Satan likes to make us feel guilty, but it's only a lie.

"I don't want Satan in my heart!  I don't want sin in my heart!"

"All you have to do is tell him to leave in the Name of Jesus, and he will.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Jesus is stronger and has power over the enemy.  Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.  You know what that means?"

Shakes her head no.

"Jesus living in your heart through the Holy Spirit is stronger than Satan."

"What does resist mean?"

"Fight."

"Satan go away in the name of Jesus!"

She starts sobbing more and more.  Coughing more.  She was crying so hard that she ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Yeah, I'd say that's true repentance.

I finally picked up the screaming toddler.  For some reason I was able to just tune him out and focus on Bella, when ordinarily, that would have been almost impossible.

But it is a testimony that God's plans will never be thwarted.

No matter how much the enemy may try.

No sickness, no fever...

No screaming toddler...

No attempts of the enemy to hurt our relationship, or use me as a stumbling block in her life because of my not-so-perfect example...

Nothing can seperate us from the love of the Father.  

Nothing can stop God from completing His will.

It is a testimony of my God being stronger.

Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for beginning a good work in Bella's heart.  I know that I can do nothing to change a heart.  To transform a heart to love you.  Only you can make transformation happen.  Thank you for stirring up Bella's heart, for bringing her from darkness into Light.  Thank you for guiding my feet, and speaking through me.  Thank you for the precious, priceless gift of Salvation.  For the forgiveness of sin.  For the hope we have both here, on earth, and for eternity.

You are Good.

The only One that is Good.

May you receive every bit of glory for the work you have begun.

I know that you will finish the work that you have started.  You will see it to completion, when we stand before you on Your throne.

Hallelujah!

Warning Label

WARNING: prayer walking around your driveway in circles until you get so lost in communicating with the Lord that you have no idea how many circles you've made (100 times?) when it's pitch-black outside can cause breakthroughs to happen, as well as becoming instantly addicting.  Symptoms include an unwillingness to go inside, having to force yourself to stop walking, and a worried husband wondering where his wife has been.  It is perfectly normal to have  no concept of time, allowing an hour or more to go by without even realizing it.

Highly reccommended by the Holy Spirit.  

However, the enemy has criticized this practice in the form of busy schedules, housework, laziness, fear, condemnation, guilt, self-hate, and the like.  If you experience any of these attacks, standard procedure is to rebuke the enemy by calling him a jerk and a liar, then marching your happy butt outside, whether he likes it or not.  This could cause your heart to form a target in the weakest areas, to which he can aim his flaming arrows.  If this happens, start singing praises and repeating truths of scripture repeatedly until the words penetrate your heart.

This could form a more serious addiction to the above mentioned practice of prayer-walking.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Hymn Time

My kids sing worship songs all the time.  Lately their favorite is from Kari Jobe- Light of the World.
But there is something amazing about hymns.  They are so rich with Scriptural depth, understanding, and wisdom.  They are songs that last forever in our hearts because of that depth.
The praise songs of today are wonderful, but even in the past 10 years or so they have changed so much.  Most just don't last in our hearts the way that hymns do (and I'm a song-writer!).
At BSF, the kids have Hymn Time and the adults sing hymns together in Worship before and after time spent with our discussion groups.
Hymns are a fabulous in helping to build a solid spiritual foundation in our children.

Because of this, we have Hymn Time during our "circle time" every morning.  Each month we will learn a new hymn.  We will work to memorize ALL of the verses because skipping verses skips over so much significance to the song.

This month our Hymn is Holy, Holy, Holy.  The kids sing at least the first verse at BSF, so I figured starting with familiar territory was good.  In teaching them, I am learning myself, and I am cherishing some of the words in this hymn for the first time.

Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty

Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee
Holy, Holy, Holy, Merciful and Mighty
God in Three Persons, blessed Trinity

Holy, Holy, Holy, all the saints adore Thee

Casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea
Cherubim and Seraphim, falling down before Thee
Who wert, and art, and evermore shalt be

Holy, Holy, Holy, tho' the darkness hides Thee

Tho' the eye of sinful man Thy glory may not see
Only Thou art holy, there is none beside Thee
Perfect in pow'r, in love, and purity

Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty

All Thy works shall praise Thy Name in earth, and sky, and sea
Holy, Holy, Holy, Merciful and Mighty
God in Three Persons, blessed Trinity.

The Beauty of the Fog

When I was in college, I was working as a youth director at a church in Louisiana.  Just before getting to the church, I would always drive past a cemetary.  Under normal circumstances there was nothing special about it.  I don't think I even took a second glance.  But on foggy days, as I drove past the rolling hills of the cemetery, the fog dispersed throughout yet seemingly stuck in the lower places in the land, it took my breath away.  There is something beautiful about fog.

Perhaps you think I'm crazy.  What could ever be beautiful about fog?  It's dark, dreary, drizzling, and probably a handful of other words that start with the letter D.  Definitely not beautiful.  More like depressing.

Most of the time when I'm driving on a foggy day, what is in front of me is neither beautiful nor breathtaking.  I just can't see.  It's frustrating.  Why can't the clouds just go away?

But when the fog is in the distance, it doesn't hinder my view.  No squinting.  No straining.  I can see clearly, and I get to see the big picture, the whole picture, the breathtaking picture that is before me.  I may even see a rainbow on the edge of those clouds, in the midst of the drizzle, that I wouldn't be able to see from the middle of the fog.

Because when I'm standing in the middle of the fog, I definitely don't see any rainbows.  Even if they are there, I'm so focused on my circumstance at the moment, on seeing what is ahead, and on simply getting out of the haze, that I miss it entirely.  

Over and over in scripture there are words that help us to see the beauty - the good in the midst of our circumstances.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4 NIV84)

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:3-5 NIV84)

When my faith is being tested, it's difficult to see the good.  Even if I know these scriptures and have hidden them in my heart.  But it IS good!

Once I can see the big picture, when I am able to look back at a distance, I can see the good.

I've matured.  I've grown stronger in Faith.  I've grown in the knowledge of God's Word, and I've hidden His Word in my heart.  I've experienced God's comfort that can only happen when I am desperate for Him, when I cry out to Him, when I put away my pride and lie prostrate at the foot of the cross.  There is such incredible beauty that comes from desperation.  It awakens a heart's dependency on the Only One on which it can truly depend.  He becomes my refuge, my strength, my mighty fortress.  When I hide under His wings, I realize just how much he loves me, and how much he longs for me to come to Him.  To love Him.

When I have been in that place, leaning on the everlasting arms of God, nothing can shake that.  I know that He will get me through it.

...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. 

(Philippians 1:6 NIV84)

And I know that whatever comes my way, He'll be right there with me.

For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones.  They will be protected forever... 

(Psalm 37:28 NIV84)

The testing of my faith really does develop perseverance.  And perseverance brings about maturity.  

Because I am able to see a little more clearly now, I see the beauty, and I am thankful for the fog.

God loves me so much that he longs to mature my faith, develop perseverance, and bring me to a place of complete dependence on Him.  Without trials, I can't grow up, I don't mature, and I don't learn to trust Him.  Only when I can do nothing but fall at His feet, do I realize that He really is all that I need.

The trials don't last forever.  It may seem like it, but they don't.

Don't waste your trials on bitterness and selfishness.

Let God do His work to develop perseverance, hope, trust, faith, and maturity.

He is not unloving by allowing trials in our lives.

He would be unloving if He didn't.

Ichthus

 So pretty much, I'm just going to post about a million pictures and describe.  Seems the easiest way to go...


We left Tuesday morning at about 11am.

Cary, driving us faithfully.

 We arrived in Memphis, TN for the night.

Our bass player, Scott.

Danni, my roomy for the week

Unloading...that's a lot of luggage!

We headed from Memphis on Wednesday morning to Wilmore, KY - to the Asbury Theological Seminary/ Asbury College campus.

Half of us (the ones of us that were spouse-less for the trip) stayed on campus.

My roomies - Danni and Mrs. Diane.  Danni lives about 2 blocks from me in Granbury, and her girls are my kids' most favorite people on planet earth.

Mrs. Diane is an incredible woman with amazing wisdom, and such an encouraging spirit!  Most of us have adopted her as our own and call her "Mom".

Love these ladies!!

We were really surprised at how nice the dorms were.  We had a suite with 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, and a kitchenette.  We were pretty cozy for the week!

 We showed up the next morning at Ichthus to kick off the day with worship.  I've never experienced having "roadies" to help out with unloading and set-up before...any time I've played somewhere, we've had to tote almost everything we needed with us, and had to do all the work ourselves to set up.  But the roadies were there...and we were thankful!  This was also the first time I've gone to play somewhere and I wasn't playing my guitar.  It felt so bazaar to just be standing around while everyone else was setting up, tuning, etc.  Different experiences...

See the guy sitting at the drums in the picture above on the Right?  He was incredible.  (My mind is totally going blank on his name at the moment...it'll come to me later, I'm sure...) The schedule got changed last minute, and so we ended up not leading worship on Saturday morning.  This guy was really upset about that. He was an encouragement to us, and we were all able to pray together in the midst of a bit of frustration.

We always started out with a pretty small crowd, but it grew as we continued to worship...

It is a privilege to sing with these ladies. 

Diane, Janet, myself, and Karen

Our group led worship Thursday and Friday mornings.  We have multiple "leaders" in our group that lead worship.  Shake is awesome about passing the reigns and training up leaders.  So just like we do on Sundays at church, we passed the reigns a lot.  My turn to lead came on Friday morning.  There was no denying that the Holy Spirit ushered us deeper into Himself.  I feel like I even had some breakthroughs in worship on Friday while leading.  Amazing how God works.

We went to Northeast Christian Church to "rehearse", a.k.a worship.  Great worship time :)

Back Row: Shake, Mike, Cary, Jeff, Kelly
Front Row: Karen, Alatha, Emma, Danni, Diane, Janet, me, Gary, Scott, and Bubby (Shake and Karen's son)

Another thing that we did was an interview about multi-cultural worship.  Shake and a guy named Neil, who is a black pastor of a white Presbyterian church, talked about what the church is missing when we separate ourselves according to ethnic backgrounds within the body of Christ.  All of us were a part of the interview - which is just stinkin' cool, because that is the whole reason our group is different!  Our church is predominately white, but we're beginning to get more and more ethnicly diverse - not just black and white - but hispanic, asian - you name it!  And our praise team is great because we are so diverse!  In a single sunday we will sing anything from your typical "white" contemporary Christian songs - to music typically found in black gospel churches - and everything in between.  Hymns are sung in ways that are traditionally sung in both kinds of churches.  The amazing thing is this - take a song like Order My Steps - a gospel song that is usually sung by a large black lady that has amazing pipes.  When Alatha goes forward and is preparing to sing, there is doubt spread all over the faces of those that know that song - they have their doubts that a skinny white girl can sing it well - but she is simply amazing.  Then, once she starts singing, you get faces with eyes so wide they look like they're going to bust out of their heads!
Anyway...back to the interview...(sorry!)
The interview will be aired on God tv at some point in the future.  not sure when.  I think I'm the only person who didn't say anything in the interview.  Do you ever have times that you just kinda feel like you need to shut up because you feel like you talk too much?  That was me that day.  I didn't want to speak unless the Holy Spirit prompted me.  I didn't want to speak just for the sake of saying something.  Then, when I did feel prompted, time didn't really allow for me to say anything.  That's fine with me.  But what I would have shared is this:  In Acts 1, Jesus says that the Holy Spirit would come and the disciples would be his witnesses - to Jerusalem, all of Judea, to Samaria, and to the whole world.  And all through Acts we see how all of these people groups received the same salvation and the same Spirit - bringing unity where otherwise there was none.  The Jews hated the Samaritans, but because of Christ, they were one.  Brothers and sisters.  God wants unity.  We were never intended to be separated in worship by race, and we miss out on the fullness of God when we separate.

Shake's home church was hosting a Benny Hinn service.  I had no idea who Benny Hinn was before I went. Let's just say it was quite an experience.  One that I hope to not repeat ever again.  I could go on and on about that one...but I think it would be best for me to keep my mouth shut other than to say that I didn't just feel "checks" in my spirit - I felt SCREAMS - to get out!  And when I did, it felt like I was finally able to breathe again - a breath of fresh air after feeling pressed down in an almost suffocating-like atmosphere.
ok, ok...I'll stop now...

Saturday, we played twice at the Galleria stage at Ichthus.  It was kinda surreal.  This was the line-up:
8:10pm - Derek Webb
9:20pm - us
10:30pm - the Afters
11:40pm - us again.


Of course, this was all going on while Tenth Avenue North and Chris Tomlin were playing on the Main Stage...which is where everyone was...o well.


We received some pretty amazing encouragement though.  The guy that was the owner of the sound company that Ichthus was using told us that he was amazed that our group was able to blend (harmonies) so well, considering all the talent (ie, strong voices) that we have.  He also said that we shouldn't have been closers for the night, but instead should have been put on earlier, when more people were around to hear us. For someone that's around musicians as much as he is, that was a HUGE compliment!

 Love these ladies!!

Diane, Emma, (Jeff behind us), Janet, me, Alatha, Danni, and Karen

Oh, yes, and one of the perks of being a musician/singer/whatever you want to call us, is that we had backstage access the entire time.  Here, a picture from backstage at the end of Chris Tomlin's set - as he's gettin' down :)

Danni and I were hoping to get a chance to meet him, but it didn't happen - we didn't have time to stick around - we had to book it to our next set!

We did get to meet some other fun people though.

I'm not a person that just goes up to people whose name I know, but I have no reason to talk to them other than to simply meet them.  I mean, we are all just people, right?  But Shake introduced us to some people that he knew that I would not have otherwise met, which is pretty neat.

(I know I'm being totally vague here, but I'm not a big fan of throwing out names).

I will mention some people though, that you may or may not have heard.  Mostly because I just thought they were neat people.  And their music is good too.

Josiah James was a pretty neat guy.  I actually met him in the merchandise tent.  He was manning his own table, which I thought was pretty cool - and he had an ipod and headphones on the table for people to listen to his music that may not have heard it yet - genius!  His music is good though.  Kind of a pop/emo feel.  I bought both of his CDs - and I'm liking them!  You should check him out!

We met These guys, from Visible Worship Band, because they were the ones that took our place leading worship on Saturday morning.  Then, we kept running into Eric, the bass player, who is from Texas, and said he felt horrible about what happened that morning (even though they had nothing to do with it).  Eric is definitely an extrovert - a very fun guy!  We didn't get a chance to hear them play, but they just finished their first CD, so you should check it out!  They have a very fun, very different, somewhat folk-y sound.  Not your typical worship band.  

Look up Visible Worship Band: Forged in Love on iTunes.

Back to what we did...

 

Sunday, we had 2 sets at 2 different campuses of the same church, Evangel World Prayer Center, in Louisville.  First was City of Hope, where we lead worship, and Shake also preached.  This place is amazing.  Not only do they have a church building, but they have apartments that they use to get people on their feet after dealing with addictions, etc - as well as a food pantry and they feed a crazy amount of people every day through their ministry.  God was moving in some pretty amazing ways that morning. Meaning the Word of God was penetrating hearts, and people were being healed because of it.

Hearts were healed.  Burdens were lifted.  Victories were won.

And before we knew it, we had been praising God together for 3 hours!! 

So we were late to our next set, at (I think) the main Evangel campus - but it was ok, and worked out fine.  

Sunday night, our church decided to pamper their praise team, and had reserved rooms for us at a 4-star hotel in downtown Louisville.  The Brown.  It was a great night of good rest, and I am so thankful to have a church family that loves on us just because they want to Bless us :)

Monday morning, we headed back to Texas.  We arrived at about 3am on Tuesday morning.  I still don't think I've caught up on sleep.

All in all, Ichthus was great.  There were difinitely moments of frustration, disorganization, and difficulty dealing with traveling with 2 vans and 15+ people.  Everything takes longer.  Nothing goes the way we expect.

But God is always there in the midst of it.  He always finds us right where we are.  He uses every opportunity to draw us closer to Himself, even when we're being hyper-critical, overly frustrated, are sleep-deprived, food deprived, and have a bad attitude (yes, talking about myself here).  God's desire is always repentance.  Always to bridge the gap between He and us individually and corporately.  He has our Best in mind, when we don't even know what our "best" is.

So what's next?  No idea.  I know that we're going to continue with recording.  I know that God is continually giving me songs.  Other than that, it's in God's hands.  In the midst of it all, He is teaching me to be content in every situation.  But quite obviously, I still need some work on that one (bad attitude = not content).  So whether I'm leading worship for a congregation, or jumping and waving my arms around like a crazy person while doing music with the babies in the nursery, or I'm at home doing dishes, sweeping crumbs off the floor, and changing diapers - God is using it all.  Eventually I'll understand the big picture - I just may not understand until I see Him face to face - and then...it won't really matter.