Good-bye...and Hello

Good-bye anti-depressants!  I hope you won't be offended, but I won't be missing you one bit.  I needed you as a crutch for a while, but now that I'm getting healthy again, and feeling better, you were only making me feel worse.

Good-bye Acne!  I'm getting the nutrients that my body needs, so they aren't being stolen from my skin anymore...I can go without makeup again without feeling horribly awkward/embarrassed...and I can do it without using Acne fighting face wash or treatments...finally. 

Good-bye mood swings!  I feel like myself again.  Even when I'm angry or stressed out for the moment, self control is possible, and yelling isn't my line of defense.  I can show patience again.  I'm less easily irritated.  I'm actually enjoying my children and wanting to really play with them- and other kids too!  I don't go berserk when my surroundings get loud.  I can stop and think, breathe, etc. when I feel the least bit overwhelmed.  I like to cuddle again...and tickle...and play hide and seek...

Good-bye fatigue!  I feel motivated AND I have the energy to do whatever I'm motivated to do.

Good-bye Stress!  I feel like I can finally relax.  Take a load off.  Go with the flow.  Let things roll off my back.  Deal with issues as they arise calmly.  I do everything better without your toxic presence.

Hello genuine smiles.

Hello joyful laughter.

Hello wit.  You've been lacking.

Hello caring what I look like and wanting to look cute for my hubby.

Hello quality time.

Hello better time management.

Hello completed projects.

Hello dancing parties in the living room.

Hello "crazy" me.

Hello "Pammy hugs".

Hello extroverted side.  I've missed you.

Hello late night delirious giggles.

Hello so many parts of me that haven't been here in a while.

Hello Healing.

Thank you, my Healer

You get every bit of the glory.

My New Adventure: Homeopathy, Butter, and Getting Healthy Again

I went to a local dairy farm today. All the dairy comes from grass(not treated with pesticides)-fed Jersey cows that are not given any extra hormones.  It isn't pasteurized or homogenized.  I bought 2 gallons of raw milk, a quart of cream, a quart of yogurt, and a pound of cheddar cheese.

Bella, Balian, and Isaiah got to see a bunch of calves, one of which was very vocal with his mooing.

Before you start getting hysterical on me about how I'm going to end up in the hospital because of diseased milk, let me 'splain.  Just FYI:

In Texas, to sell raw milk, it has to be bought on the primes is of the farm, and the farm has to have a dairy retail permit.  In order to keep their permit to sell raw milk, the milk is tested once a month for any disease that people tend to think would be in unpaseurized milk (TB, etc.).

Now, let me backtrack a bit.

My Doc put me on anti-depressants.  At the time, it was a good move, because I was a wreck. For. Real.

BUT, it wasn't something I was ok with being on long-term, or for LIFE!  I felt better for the first month or so, but then, just as I had suspected, medicating didn't get to the root of the problem, but rather masked symptoms, and my symptoms started coming back.  Not ALL of them, but most of them.

I just kept having this thought that it was a nutrition issue.  Was something I was eating, not eating, etc., causing a lot of my symptoms?

I looked into the gluten thing.  I mean I had something crazy like 14 symptoms associated with gluten intolerance, and so many people seem to be sensitive to wheat, right?  It was worth a shot.  But after trying to go gluten-free for a couple of weeks, I didn't feel any better.

I really wasn't feeling depressed.  I was anxious.  Stressed out to the point that my back was tense ALL the time.  Constant loud noise just sent me through the roof, and with 3 kids noise is inevitable.  Too much going on at once, like during school-time when I was trying to teach Bella and the boys were occupied (but still moving, wiggling, or talking), were the absolute worst times.  I just couldn't handle it.

My time with Jesus- fabulous.  I feel closer to The Lord than I ever have.  Getting into the Word.  Doing prayer-walks, journaling, writing songs, and really the most constant communication I have had with Him, ever.  Actually being able to hear those still small whispers as if they were screams, at times.

I'll admit that I haven't been running lately.  I know that's huge, but seriously.  Anyone that has 3 kids and is a night owl that doesn't like to run at night, and can't get her butt out of bed any earlier...if you are able to find a way to fit it in with little ones and homeschool...along with everything else, then by all means, PLEASE share your wealth of knowledge as to how you fit it in :)

The other thing that I have thought about is that this is the first place I have lived since I started college that I haven't been a part of a small group, or had a close-knit circle of girlfriends.  I have a few girlfriends that I know from all different places, and we also have a home church.  I usually get together (via play dates) with one of my girls every week.  But one-on-one time with these ladies has been rare, if at all.  I am so thankful for carpooling to BSF with my friend, Dani.  That 45-minute drive has been such a blessing, kids in tow and all :)

I won't always be surrounded with community.  And sometimes, even when I am, I go through times of loneliness.  But honestly, right now, I don't feel lonely.  I really think that this is one of those times that God has been teaching me that He is enough.  I can only truly be satisfied in Him anyway.  Friends, fellowship, and true community are amazing Blessings, but we won't always be in a time of plenty, and wealth has many faces.  We always tend to think about money, but sometimes it's simply having a wealth of community.  Right now, my wealth is communion with The Lord. 

Jamie is a new friend of mine.  I met her at church, when she and her family moved back to Granbury from doing missions in Germany.  She is homeschooling her daughter, Victoria, who is Bella's age, and has become Bella's BFF.  She and I seem to be very like-minded, always looking for the most natural way to do things.  Talking to Jamie about the past 3 years, she just kept saying "You need to go see Barbara."

Barbara is a classic Homeopath, meaning she practices Homeopathy, or natural healing.  It's not weird.  It's actually quite logical.  Most MDs will look at the symptoms, and when you have a lot of different types of symptoms, they tend to think they are separate things.  Homeopathy looks at the whole person- physical symptoms, emotional symptoms, life events, etc., and they try to get to the root of the problem, and find how the symptoms are somehow connected.  A Homeopath will spend hours pouring over one case, trying to fit all the pieces together.

Barbara is not only a Homeopath, but she also has a background in psychology and nutrition as well.  And she at least believes that God is the Creator, based on our conversation.

She took one look at my symptoms, and said immediately that I had a lot of vitamin deficiencies.

As we dug deeper and got into medical history, life events, diet, etc., she just kept taking notes...and kept shaking her head.  Like she was saying,"this poor girl is so messed up..."

3 years ago, my labor with Balian was pretty traumatic.  Induced with Pitocin, without pain meds. They broke my water.  Fast delivery without pushing. Cord wrapped around his neck.  Body went into shock after.  Had to give me a shot to stop me from hemmoraging.  Insane, really.  For those that don't know labors otherwise, this really isn't normal.  It isn't natural.  My body rebelled.

Because of losing a lot of blood, I became deficient in vitamins and minerals necessary to deal with stress.  Add to that, not only the stress of the labor, and adjusting to a new baby, but also getting out of the Navy, moving twice in 2 months and ending up halfway across the country, the unexpected future because of Neil not having a job lined up yet, finding a home...and you get the picture.  I just couldn't handle it all.

My deficiencies continued.

The ironic part is that Barbara said that I was showing a lot of B-vitamin deficiencies, and my blood work, via the MD, came back normal, and my B12 looked amazing on paper.  Barbara explained to me that it can take up to 30 years for b-vitamin deficiencies to show up in blood work, because the body takes from vitamin stores...meaning the skin, the gums and teeth...other places in the body that need those vitamins as well (think pregnancy gengivitis, for example).  So...when symptoms show up, it is the body's way of saying it needs more nutrients.

Then, we went on a vegan diet.  Healthiest thing you can do, right?  Apparently not.  

I not only left that appointment with 3 raw vitamin supplements (you don't want to know what's in them), and a homeopathic remedy, but I also received a very different lesson on nutrition than what I have ever been taught.

When you hear "if you don't do anything else, please eat coconut oil and REAL, full-fat butter", you kinda do a double-take.

Barbara recommended that Neil and I read this book:

Interesting, huh?

Raw milk.  Culturing your own milk. Soaking flour before using it.  Sprouting grains.  Grass-fed cows.  Organic free-range eggs.  No chocolate.  Only (true) natural sweeteners.  Nothing processed.

And I thought cooking would get easier...

Pretty much the book takes nutrition back to the way that cultures have eaten traditionally, forever.

It goes so much more in depth than I have ever read about nutrition.  And that says a lot.  I've read a lot.

We typically hear that animal fats cause blocked arteries.  But we never hear that the reason behind it is not the animal products themselves, but rather the processing of them, or the way that animals are raised.

In brief, if we just consume things the proper way, the natural way that God created them, and stop mucking everything up, we would all be much, much healthier.

Not just in the way things are processed, but even the processes we use to do our cooking.

Pretty eye-opening.

But so far, I'm feeling pretty good because of the supplements, and hopefully changing my diet will help keep me from being deficient in the vitamins I need.

When I have "accidentally" forgotten to take my Rx, I've felt better, and had much better days than when I have taken it, if that says anything.

Only time will tell.

In the meantime...I've got a quart of pure cream sitting on the counter so it will sour...so I can turn it into butter and buttermilk in the morning.  Butter to cook with, and buttermilk to soak my flour in so my body digests it more easily.

Food for thought, huh?

I'd love to see your comments on this one ;)

The Beauty of the Fog

When I was in college, I was working as a youth director at a church in Louisiana.  Just before getting to the church, I would always drive past a cemetary.  Under normal circumstances there was nothing special about it.  I don't think I even took a second glance.  But on foggy days, as I drove past the rolling hills of the cemetery, the fog dispersed throughout yet seemingly stuck in the lower places in the land, it took my breath away.  There is something beautiful about fog.

Perhaps you think I'm crazy.  What could ever be beautiful about fog?  It's dark, dreary, drizzling, and probably a handful of other words that start with the letter D.  Definitely not beautiful.  More like depressing.

Most of the time when I'm driving on a foggy day, what is in front of me is neither beautiful nor breathtaking.  I just can't see.  It's frustrating.  Why can't the clouds just go away?

But when the fog is in the distance, it doesn't hinder my view.  No squinting.  No straining.  I can see clearly, and I get to see the big picture, the whole picture, the breathtaking picture that is before me.  I may even see a rainbow on the edge of those clouds, in the midst of the drizzle, that I wouldn't be able to see from the middle of the fog.

Because when I'm standing in the middle of the fog, I definitely don't see any rainbows.  Even if they are there, I'm so focused on my circumstance at the moment, on seeing what is ahead, and on simply getting out of the haze, that I miss it entirely.  

Over and over in scripture there are words that help us to see the beauty - the good in the midst of our circumstances.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4 NIV84)

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:3-5 NIV84)

When my faith is being tested, it's difficult to see the good.  Even if I know these scriptures and have hidden them in my heart.  But it IS good!

Once I can see the big picture, when I am able to look back at a distance, I can see the good.

I've matured.  I've grown stronger in Faith.  I've grown in the knowledge of God's Word, and I've hidden His Word in my heart.  I've experienced God's comfort that can only happen when I am desperate for Him, when I cry out to Him, when I put away my pride and lie prostrate at the foot of the cross.  There is such incredible beauty that comes from desperation.  It awakens a heart's dependency on the Only One on which it can truly depend.  He becomes my refuge, my strength, my mighty fortress.  When I hide under His wings, I realize just how much he loves me, and how much he longs for me to come to Him.  To love Him.

When I have been in that place, leaning on the everlasting arms of God, nothing can shake that.  I know that He will get me through it.

...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. 

(Philippians 1:6 NIV84)

And I know that whatever comes my way, He'll be right there with me.

For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones.  They will be protected forever... 

(Psalm 37:28 NIV84)

The testing of my faith really does develop perseverance.  And perseverance brings about maturity.  

Because I am able to see a little more clearly now, I see the beauty, and I am thankful for the fog.

God loves me so much that he longs to mature my faith, develop perseverance, and bring me to a place of complete dependence on Him.  Without trials, I can't grow up, I don't mature, and I don't learn to trust Him.  Only when I can do nothing but fall at His feet, do I realize that He really is all that I need.

The trials don't last forever.  It may seem like it, but they don't.

Don't waste your trials on bitterness and selfishness.

Let God do His work to develop perseverance, hope, trust, faith, and maturity.

He is not unloving by allowing trials in our lives.

He would be unloving if He didn't.

The Fog

I feel like my world has been rocked.  And yet, at the same time I feel as though I'm finally finding some clarity.

The past 2.5 years have been such a struggle.  I just haven't been "me".  

I've been trying to see clearly through thick fog.  Squinting.  Straining to see what's in front of me.  Trying to make out the lines that keep me on the right side of the road.  Moving forward slowly, yet feeling like I'm not moving forward at all.

Yet I've been in the Word.  Growing in knowledge.  And drawing closer to the Savior.

I've been on my face before the Lord.  Literally.  Countless times.  Crying out.  Drawing near to the Lord in ways that I never have before - in ways I've never needed to before.

In the midst of my weakness, I have taken my failings to the only One who can transform.

And yet, in my weakness, Satan has used it as an opportunity to plant seeds of doubt in so many ways.

I would read the Word, and see how far I was from where I wanted to be.

I would confess, repent, draw near to God, and yet, I looked and saw the same things present in my life.  The same feelings.  The same actions.

I longed for transformation.

There were times that I would be doing ok for a while.  Good days.  It brought hope that perhaps things were changing.  I would go on-sometimes days, sometimes weeks even - where I felt as though I was truly being transformed.

But I was never truly out of the fog.

I still felt weighed down.  I still felt like something just wasn't right.  I still just wasn't me.

What happened to my fire?

What happened to the life? The spark?  The sense of adventure?

The one who was passionate about life?

The one who loved with everything she had?

I started to question everything.  Where had I gone wrong?

Did I have unconfessed sin in my life?

Was there some unforgiveness?

Why do I feel this way?

I would wonder what I was doing wrong.  What I needed to change.

So then I started going into this works-based mindset.  What can I do?  How can I change?  

Because if I was drawing near to the Lord and I wasn't being transformed, surely I was doing something wrong.

I thought that I had failed.

But a works-based mindset can only lead to behavior modification.  Not true transformation.

I even came to question my Salvation itself, because I still was struggling to see fruit in my life.  I mean, if we know a tree by its fruit (Matthew 7:17-18), and my fruit was bad, then I must not really know the Lord like I say I do, right?

But that would simply bring me back to the quiet place to find refuge and strength.  I would cast my cares on the Lord.  He would renew my hope.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV84)

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

 (Isaiah 40:31 NIV)

I was doing all the right things.  Going to the right place.  My heart was even in the right place.  So why wasn't I getting better?  It even felt as though I was getting worse.

10 hours of sleep at night, and I was still exhausted.

Mood swings would come out of nowhere...still...when 2.5 years ago I never had a short fuse.

Getting angry over ridiculous things.

Crying at times that seemed just as ridiculous.

Getting really bothered by affection...when I used to be known for my hugs...

Lack of motivation.

I saw all of these symptoms, and many more.

Was it possible that my hormones were still not regulated?  I kept waiting to feel better...but it never happened.

After a conversation with a woman at my church, and prayer, I felt compelled to go back to the doctor.  I started looking up symptoms.  Maybe it was my Thyroid?  Who knows?

But I was willing to, if nothing else, see if there was even a physical problem there.

My doctor tested hormones, thyroid, even vitamins and minerals (B12, Iron, etc.) in my blood to try to find the root of the problem.

A little over a week later I was called with the test results.

Nothing.  Nothing was abnormal.  My blood test came back perfect.

Most people would be ecstatic.  Not me.  I was confused.

I still had a follow-up appointment to go over the test results.  Not really sure why.  But I went.

A doctor- a different one- a woman came in to go over the results with me.  

"this should be easy," she said.  "everything looks perfect."

My respnse: "We did the tests to see what was wrong.  If the tests are all normal, then why do I have all of these symptoms?"

She asked me to go over my symptoms again.  I started crying right there.  Saying "see?  What is wrong with me?"

Then she asked me something really weird.  

"are you craving sugar all the time?"

Yes...totally confused.

Then she started talking to me about Seretonin levels.  That I was showing all of the symptoms of low Seretonin.

Low Seretonin = Depression

It was the first time I had ever heard of Depression as a physical problem rather than an emotional problem.

My Doctor then came in to talk to me about it some more.  He told me that Depression puts this image in people's minds of someone crying in a corner, but that more times than not, Depression shows itself in people who just say that they just don't feel like themselves.  They just don't feel good.

He said that he suspected Depression when he ran the tests, but he wanted to eliminate other possibilities first.

They started talking about medicine, and I got kinda freaked out.

Anti-depressants?  I didn't know how I felt about that.

But the more I talked to my Doctor, the more ok with it I felt.

Could all of the stuff I had been through be summed up to a physical problem of low Seretonin?

I knew I had symptoms of depression.  I never questioned that.  My questions were always about the reason why.

I always had in my head that the Depression was caused because of a deeper problem.  I mean, it showed up right after having Balian, so it had to have started because of hormones, right?  But as time went on and I wasn't getting better, more times than not I just assumed that what I was going through had to be a spiritual problem.  What I hadn't realized was that physical problems can affect my spiritual life, but that doesn't make it a spiritual problem.

Perhaps it wasn't because of a lack of faith that I wasn't healed.

Perhaps it was a physical issue that I was trying to make a spiritual issue.

Now, does that mean that I believe any less in God's healing power?  Absolutely not!

What I am saying is that God heals in different ways.  It isn't always some supernatural healing that can't be explained.

Sometimes He heals in common ways, by going to the doctor, by taking medicine. By receiving treatments.

Does that mean that we don't go to God and ask Him to heal?  Absolutely not!

Because weather by supernatural means, or by wisdom and medicine, it is God that does the healing.

He is "Able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)

He is able to heal in ways that can only be explained by the Power of God.

And He is able to heal through medicine, because any wisdom that man possesses came from God in the first place.  Weather man knows it or not.  Weather man acknowledges it or not.

Either way, God deserves the Glory.

And that is what truly matters.  God receiving the Glory.

That is our ultimate purpose here, on earth.  To give God the Glory.

I can't explain why God works in one way with one person and another way with another person, except that perhaps God receives the Glory best in different ways in different people's lives.

Why were Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego saved IN the furnace rather than being saved FROM the furnace? (Daniel 3)

Why did God tell Naaman, throgh Elisha, to go dip into the river 7 times to be healed, even though he expected something different. "I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy." (2 Kings 5:11 NIV)

Why did Jesus put mud on a man's eyes to heal his blindness (John 9), and at other times He simply spoke (John 4, and others)?

Why did some get healed by going into the healing pool and others never had the chance to get in there in the first place (John 5)?

God heals in different ways at different times.

God works in different ways, depending on the circumstances.

But His goal is always the same.  For us to draw near to Him, and for Him to receive the Glory.

I haven't been healed yet.  I'm still awaiting my healing.  The fog is still there.  I'm still squinting and looking ahead and wondering if I'm truly moving forward.  But I'm believing that the fog will eventually clear.

I believe that God is able to heal me.

I believe He will heal me, in whatever capacity He chooses.

And just like those 3 men who said "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not..."(Daniel 3:13, 17, 18 NIV).

Even if He doesn't, I will still praise Him.

Because God has already given me Victory through His Son.

I wrote this song a while back.  It's the one that we've recorded for the CD.  Although I don't have the music for you to listen to, I can at least give the words.  

I have treasure in this jar of clay

Overflowing with your goodness, even though I break

Though at times it may seem I'm lost in defeat

I'll remember you've already brought the victory.

You never said that victory meant having things my way

But instead that you conquered all when you overcame the grave

Help me walk in your joy so the world can see

That you've already brought the victory

So I will count it joy when trials come my way

When the world around me crumbles and seems in disarray

I am hard-pressed on every side, but I won't give up

And every strife that this world brings, you have overcome with love

Help me keep my eyes fixed on the cross and through your Word remind me

That you've already brought the victory

So I praise you, Jesus, in the midst of my pain

Knowing battles that I come against will bring you fame

Yes, you are good, and from your throne you can see

And you've already brought the victory

You've already brought the victory.

Search. Prune. Change. Repeat.

"Search me, oh God, and know my heart.
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24


Change begins with me.

Sounds logical.  Almost a no-brainer.  Of course it does.  Even sounds easy.
But it's hard to change when you don't know what needs to be changed.

When you're sick, you see the symptoms.  Your throat hurts.  You can't breathe through your nose.  Your head hurts.  You may have fever.  The symptoms get worse.  You see the symptoms, and you know that there is a problem, so you try to fix it in every way you know how.  You use Halls drops, Chloriseptic spray, Tylenol, take more vitamin C, do nasal rinses - the whole shabang.  Some things seem to work, but only for a while, and then you just feel lousy again.  The symptoms never go away for good.  You get frustrated because by golly, you are doing everything that you know to do, but nothing will shake this thing!  Why can't I shake this thing?  You call the doctor and tell him your symptoms.  You're hoping he can just give you a prescription over the phone so that you can start feeling better now.  You've looked up all your symptoms online, and you're pretty sure you know what the problem is, so you give him your opinion as well.
The problem, however, is that no matter how much you tell him about the symptoms, he can't make you better until you go see him and he examines you and diagnoses the problem.  Sure, you can tell him what YOU think it is, but only he knows how to make you better.

You know where I'm going with this...but here's my story anyway...

After Balian was born, I went through a really rough time.  I struggled with PPD in the form of irritability and anger.  But for some reason I would only take it out on my baby girl, Bella.
At first, every time I screamed at her, or was just down-right mean to her, I would be horrified, and I would go in my bathroom and cry my eyes out.  As time went on, it was "like" I was getting calloused to it...but I wasn't.  I thought I was getting better, but I wasn't.  The other PPD symptoms left - my hormones seemed to be regulated, but one thing remained: anger.  And I was always angry at Bella.  Always.  I saw everything negative.  All I saw was what she did wrong - her misbehavior - her disobedience.  So I tried to fix that, but to no avail.  I still got angry.  She still disrespected me.   And I got more angry.  I yelled, when I never yelled before.  And why did I always feel so angry still?  I was never an angry person.  I felt so incredibly stressed out - why?  It just didn't all make sense.  
I was meeting with the Lord, and learning and growing a lot.  I would talk God's ear off about all of these symptoms.  I just wanted to be back to normal.  I wanted to get better.  I wanted the symptoms to go away.  Can my compliant, obedient baby girl come back?  I didn't want the stress.  I didn't like being angry.  I asked God to take the anger.  I felt like I truly gave it to him.  But it was still the same.
Through prayer one day, I was asking God what it was that I do differently now in my parenting than I did when Bella was younger.  He led me to go back and look at some transcripts from Elizabeth Elliot's radio show Gateway to Joy, which I had read in the early days for encouragement in motherhood.  And in one of her transcripts about teaching children obedience, she talked about how if a parent has a problem with anger toward their children, then it's possible that the parent has some unforgiveness in their heart - causing bitterness to take root.
That struck me.  I've been so angry.  But I'm not a person to hold grudges.  My feelings may be hurt by someone, and it may take me a while to get over that hurt, but I'm quick to pardon.  I thought for a while...Is there anyone I haven't forgiven?  I couldn't even think of a hurt that I hadn't gotten over.  Not even with Neil.  Right then, I presented my thoughts to the Lord, and said "Lord, if there is someone that I need to forgive, please, please let me know."  The next morning, during the sermon, I was in my own world with God.  Just sitting.  actually waiting and listening.
 And the Holy Spirit said "You haven't forgiven yourself."
BAM!  Talk about getting hit between the eyes.
Say what?  "I haven't forgiven myself?"
His reply: "You haven't forgiven yourself for how you treated Bella during your time in the wilderness."
I was speechless.  So I just sat and listened more.  He continued to reveal everything.  And it all made so much sense.
I was angry, and at the time I felt like I couldn't control it, I was so mean to Bella.  It horrified me.  Every angry word, every hurtful action - it stuck with me.  The tears may have left, but the guilt didn't.
Even when the "wilderness" was over, and I felt like God had given me victory, I couldn't be totally healed, because I was still carrying around the guilt and the shame.  Every time I looked at Bella, I was disgusted with myself.  How could I have treated her so horribly?  And I knew that I was the cause of her misbehavior.  I was looking into a mirror.  So I got angry with myself...and continued to project that anger on Bella.
It doesn't make sense at all...and yet it totally makes sense.
I just never thought it could run that deep.
It's amazing what a little bit of Holy Spirit clarity can do.
No longer treating the symptoms, but rather treating the root of the problem.
It wasn't Bella's behavior.  It was mine...but instead of letting go of the guilt, I held onto it with clinched fists.

I couldn't just talk to the Doctor.  I had to let him examine me.  So that he could tell me the True diagnosis.
So that I could forgive and let go.
I'm working on that one.
And God is making some pretty big changes as I work through it.
Praise God for his never-ending love.  He is always good.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23

PPD - Why Good days matter

WARNING: If you don't want to read about reality, close your browser.

PPD?
Yes, PPD.
what is PPD? Post-partum Depression. Yup, it happened to me.
It started at about 2 weeks after having Balian, but it took me about 5 months to really understand what the problem was.

Because it didn't come across as 'depression', so to speak. It came across as anger. frustration. feeling out-of-control emotionally. acting out in anger. screaming. then feeling guilty about it and crying for the rest of the day. I didn't think that I was nothing, just because. I thought that I was nothing because I couldn't control my emotions - and I'd scream at Bella at the top of my lungs (for minor things), know what I was doing in the process, but felt helpless to stop what was going on, then feeling like I was the worst mother in the world for what I did.

Rather than feeling like I should nurture Balian when he cried, I would get angry and frustrated. I would try to calm him, which would fail because he picked up on my stress, which would make me even more frustrated. I got scared to go into his room to take care of him at night, fearing that I would be too rough with him because of my frustration. when babies get stressed out, it causes all kinds of problems...with me being stressed, I know he was stressed...probably a good reason why we were having so many problems with everything.

The entire time, I'm thinking "man, having 2 kids is so stinkin' hard!" then, I'd look around at other people who had 2 kids, and they didn't seem to be having any problems adjusting - they seemed to be handling it so well. Then, I started thinking in the back of my mind "maybe I just have some baby blues." But the longer things went on, the more it built up, the more I saw, and the more it scared me. Sure, I'd have some good days - and I'd think it was over. Then, just when I thought I had nothing to worry about, BAM! I had a HORRIBLE day that seemed to come out of nowhere. I was bluntly honest with Neil as far as what was going on, especially because he never saw any of it. Everything that I am describing here happened either when Neil wasn't at home, or while he was sleeping at night. Of course, my husband just didn't really understand what I was talking about, or how bad things were. I never yelled at Neil. I always felt like when he was around, that I was part of a team. He calmed me. So he just didn't get why I was so upset. He was as supportive as he could be. He helped me with the kids and dinner and everything else, as much as he could. yup. my team. he was awesome!

About 3 weeks ago, I hit a breaking point. Bella, Balian, and I were in Balian's room. Balian started crying for some reason while he was playing on the floor. I got frustrated. Then Bella, being the 2-yr. old that she is - did something trivial that is typical for 2-yr-olds. But I, being already frustrated and stressed out, with Balian crying in the background, flipped out. I screamed at Bella to come over to where I was, then proceeded to scream at her in her face, at the top of my lungs, while grabbing her shoulders, and feeling this rush of what felt like a lightening bolt flashing through my body and out my fingers, toes, and head. Like I was so angry that I not only felt it emotionally, but also physically. But while this was happening, it was like I was outside my body looking at what was going on - and I felt powerless to stop it. After I kinda snapped out of it, I of course felt horrible, and cried the rest of the day, understandably feeling like I was a failure of a mother - wanting my kids to have better than what they currently had, and wondering why on earth God would entrust such beautiful babies into my care.

I realized then that something had to give. This wasn't me. this isn't who I am. I'm not an angry person. I'm not a yeller or screamer. I would never yell at Bella before Balian was born. I consider myself to be a pretty patient person - with a good amount of self-control. What was wrong with me, and why wasn't it going away?
The only thing that I could relate it to, was how I was when I was a hormonal pre-teen, when I would get so frustrated that I would scream in my mother's face, then immediately start crying - for what seemed like forever. Could what I was experiencing now, be somehow related? Could it simply be a hormonal thing?

I dove into research. looking up signs of PPD, risk factors, and the like. I found and took a short assessment made by some people that had done extensive research on PPD. Although I didn't think it was completely thorough, it did open my eyes to what was going on - especially after reading that anger could be a sign of PPD - not just being sad.

so, what did I do?
1. I read that B-vitamins could help with stress - and my mom suggested that as well. So I started taking a B-vitamin complex everyday.

2. we bought a treadmill so that I could run consistently, when the kids were napping or after they went to bed at night. If you've ever seen the movie Legally Blond, you'll remember the quote "exercise produces endorphins. endorphins make people happy. happy people just don't kill their husbands." I needed some of those endorphins. quick. I've been running about 2-3x/ week, increasing my mileage slowly.

3. I prayed...well, continued to pray. I'd been praying my heart out the entire time - I just didn't really know what I was praying for. I just knew that I was desperate. My prayers changed. Instead of them being along the lines of "God, why am I like this? just make this go away." it was "I believe that you're my healer. I believe you can heal this, whether supernaturally or through the wisdom of doctors. I know that you heal and that you are able." I prayed for victory. It's amazing how prayers can change when you actually know what you're up against. I went up to the alter for prayer and healing at church for the first time in my life, that I remember.

4. I also went ahead and made an appointment with an OB/GYN to talk to them about everything, and see if getting on the pill (which I swore I would never do again) would help.

For 3 weeks, we didn't have a single bad day!
I went to the doctor, and she said that especially considering the risk-factors of moving twice, buying a house, job change, and all the rest, that it was no wonder I was feeling the way I was - I was not only hormonal, I was a stress-mess! She did put me on the pill, which I haven't started yet, but I'm interested to see if it helps at all.
Since going to the doctor I've had 2 bad days, but not nearly to the extent that it has been before. The fight isn't over, but things seem to be turning around drastically.

So why do good days matter so much?

The more good days I have, the less bad days I have. The more good days I have, the more confidence I have. The more good days I have, the more I believe that what has been going on does not define who I am. More good days equal more days that I feel like myself again. And the more I feel like myself again...the more good days I have. :)