Trust and Obey: Part 2

The Lord has been taking me on a wild ride.

If you recall from this post, God asked me to step down from Praise Team.

Back up to about a year ago.

I was feeling discontent, disconnected, and was kinda "going through the motions" when it came to Praise team.  For some reason, I just wasn't happy.  I was torn as far as what to do.  Do I step down?  But why would I step down?  I didn't even know where the discontentment was coming from.

I remember feeling a nudging from the Holy Spirit.  A "whisper", if you will.  It was simple.  The word "nursery".

I remember mentioning to my friend, Crystal, that I wasn't sure, but I thought God wanted me to step down from Praise Team.  She asked why.  I said I kinda felt like He was calling me to the nursery.  To teach the babies.  To teach parents and the other nursery workers that discipleship is entirely possible from birth on up.  To take back the time those little ones were in the nursery, and use it for teaching, rather than simply babysitting.

A month or so went by.

Finally, I talked with our children's pastor about stepping up into a teaching role in the nursery.  She said I was an answer to prayer!

At this point, even though I felt discontent, I didn't feel released from Praise team.  So, every Sunday I would sing during Worship, then once the grade-school kids were released to go to their class during the teaching time, I would go to the nursery.  I started out just doing music time with them.  I turned on a CD, let the little ones play with kids' musical instruments, and we sang or danced or shook egg-shakers or whatever.  After about a month, I started teaching them simple Truths about God.  So I would take a passage of scripture, and tell it to them in a way they could understand (hopefully), we would have a short prayer (like, a sentence), then we would have our music time.  This lasted about 20 minutes, tops.

While I was doing all of this, I just kept having this thought in the back of my mind.  I need training.  Yes, I have 3 kids.  Yes, these little ones were receiving teaching when they weren't before, but 15 minutes just didn't seem to me to be enough.  Perhaps because I was seeing first-hand how my kids were being taught at BSF.  Teaching happened during play, while diapers were being changed, while walking down the hall...teaching wasn't simply a Bible story, a prayer, and some singing.  It was teaching character.  It was the way they speak to the kids, and encourage them to "choose to obey".  I had this thought in the back of my mind that it would be so great to receive training through BSF as a children's leader.  I mean, if nothing else, it would be training me to be a better parent!  The end of the school year was approaching, and the Leadership team would be praying about who to ask to step up into those roles.  But even though the thoughts of training were there, I kept thinking that there was just no way that I could make the commitment required.  An additional morning for leadership training every week while trying to homeschool seemed out of the question.  And I had only volunteered in the children's area once or twice, ever.

Well, they didn't ask me to step up into leadership.  Part of me was bummed.  The other part of me was relieved.

At the beginning of the year, I signed up as a volunteer in the children's area whenever they needed someone.  They always need volunteers.  But the ironic thing is that I was never asked to volunteer. 

I kept on with praise team.  I kept teaching in the nursery.

Then God asked me to step down from Praise team.  The nursery and BSF children's leadership were there, in the back of my mind, but I suppose because nothing had changed, and I was already doing nursery while continuing on praise team, that I had just gotten comfortable being there.  We had been working on the CD, God had continued to bless me with songs, and music was feeling "right" at the moment.  I guess that's why it was such a struggle.  I suppose I was simply blind to what He was doing.  And oh, don't forget how forgetful I can be.  I wasn't even thinking about the connection with nursery.

So I stepped down in obedience, but received little no direction otherwise.  I just had to wait.

In the meantime, the nursery director and myself were on the same page, wanting to pour even more into the little ones.  We got a curriculum and started alternating weeks teaching.  Yay!

This went on for about 2 months.

After realizing that other ladies in my BSF class had been asked to volunteer in the children's area multiple times, and I still hadn't been asked at all, I finally asked someone about it.  Apparently my volunteer form had been misplaced somehow, but they got my name again, and said they would put me on the list.

My BSF group leader calls me weekly on Tuesdays.  About a month ago, she called me on a Monday.  I didn't think much of it, and our conversation went on the same as always...how our week was going, how the lesson was kicking our butts, and if I had any prayer requests.

Then, out of nowhere she asks if I would pray about stepping up into a children's leadership role.  Not a volunteer, a regular teacher.  I hadn't even had the chance to volunteer yet!  I said I would pray about it.

Of course, it didn't take long to get my answer.  But I was so torn.  But being torn always means the same thing.

TORN- the state of battling between what I want and what God wants.  Being torn between flesh and spirit.

Usually when I feel torn about something it's because my flesh is saying one thing, and the Spirit is saying another.

I saw the impossibility.  I thought about my responsibility to teach Bella.  How would I get everything done?  Forget cleaning the house!  I was looking at my schedule, and I just didn't see how I could possibly commit to Tuesday and Wednesday mornings...and how I could possibly get to both of those days even earlier, when I was hardly ever making it to BSF on time as it was!

But God...

How many times do we see those words throughout Scripture?  Countless.

The Lord encouraged me to open up my planner.  To truly look at how I spend my time.  How much time do I waste on meaningless things?  how much time was I wasting simply because I was stressed out or worried?  Was it truly impossible?

God never fails to amaze me.

When I sat down and actually looked at all of the necessary things that needed to be done, there was room for it all.  All of Bella's schoolwork, without cutting corners, free play for the kids, Bella's Gymnastics, chores, BSF, BSF training, and I even discovered extra time that could be set aside for play dates or trips to the farm for milk!  

Neil gave me his support, so I set up a time to meet with the BSF leader.  In that time, I just kept receiving confirmations.  We tried out our tentative new schedule, and we loved it!  I felt less stressed.  I felt like I actually had some free time.

After meeting with my leader, there was all kinds of paperwork, background check, references, etc. that had to be done...but, The Lord caused everything to get filled out, approved, checked, and people called almost overnight.

Last Monday, Neil attended his first BSF Men's class ever.  

Last Tuesday I attended my first Leadership meeting.  I left in awe.  I felt like a dwarf among spiritual giants.  How in the world did I receive the absolute privilege of being spurred along by such amazing women of God?  And talk about training in prayer!  Oh my goodness!

Of course, spiritual warfare had to come in at some point.  Neil having more accountability and getting into the Word more...ALL of us studying the same thing in the Word, causing much different conversations to take place at dinner and everywhere.  me stepping up into leadership.  all in the same week?  

But to me it was just confirmation.

On the way home from training, I started feeling like I had fever...a couple hours later the body aches started...great.  But God used my homeopath to heal.  By 11:45pm, no chills and no body aches.  By morning, I was feeling wonderful, minus a runny nose.

So, I started classroom training during regular BSF.  Observing the co-leaders.  Watching how they handled discipline, teaching, and everything they do.

More spiritual warfare.  Everyone was battling sickness.  Neil got the flu-like symptoms I had gotten.  Again, God used Homeopathy to heal.  We still have sniffles.  All of us.  The enemy has attacked our home - the atmosphere, children's obedience, my moods, attitudes, etc.  I left Leadership training this week in tears.  Not because of being overwhelmed with what I need to learn, but because the enemy was attacking me with condemnation.  Making me feel like I was in no place to teach children.  Bringing on the guilt. 

BUT...God has a way of transforming us and we are never the same.  Two months ago, I would have given in.  I would have started feeling guilty, condemned, and had a horrible attitude.  Not this time.  I stood on God's promises.  I claimed God's Truths.  That He had called me to this place.  

What I didn't realize when God called me to step down from praise team was this:

He was calling me to give up something that wasn't growing my faith, so that He could put me in a place where I have to have utter dependence on Him, so that my Faith could grow.

With praise team, I was going through the motions.  I wasn't depending on God to help me accomplish something.  I had been singing and doing praise team for so long that it was just simply what I did.  It wasn't growing my faith.  It wasn't requiring dependence on Him alone.

The battles that I have fought haven't been for nothing.  If I felt like I was Mom of the Year, I wouldn't be as dependant on God right now, and He wouldn't receive the glory for everything going on.  But because of the struggles, because of my feelings of unworthiness, God is able to show me that He does not choose us based on good works, or how powerful we are, or the strength of our character.  No.  His Grace is based on His Goodness, not mine.  He reminds me that I am hidden in Christ (Col. 3), so that he no longer sees me and my filthy rags, but instead sees the Righteousness of Christ.  I can't claim to understand it, but I stand on it, in Faith.

I also know that the enemy has a way of attacking God's people in the exact place that God is calling them to.  His goal is to discourage.  To make us feel as though we will never be able to do the very thing that God wants us to do.  I have had to battle with thoughts of "how could I possibly teach other people's kids, when I don't even feel like I'm doing anything right with my own kids?"  Isn't that so sly of the enemy?

Months ago I journaled this thought: 

"Could orphans be my destiny?  Could taking care of many children be the very thing that You want me to do?  Children have been my passion, yet it is with my own children where I feel the most vulnerable to lies from the enemy.  Could you be pruning me back, testing my patience, and building my character with my own flesh and blood, so that those children that are not from my own flesh receive true love that embodies and exemplifies Your Nature? "

God uses every bit of it for His Glory.  He uses it to draw us closer to himself.  To prune us.  To refine us.  To put us in a place of complete surrender and complete dependence on Him.  To put us in a place where prayer is necessary, then see how prayer works.

And where is God proving Himself to me right now?  Prayer.

I heard a quote from C.S. Lewis that ended with this: "prayer doesn't change God; it changes me."

It changes my thoughts.  It changes my attitudes.  It prepares me for Battle.  It draws me closer to the Savior.  And God uses it to prove Himself faithful.

He is always faithful.

He is causing all things to come together for Good.

He always does.

Always.

Good-bye...and Hello

Good-bye anti-depressants!  I hope you won't be offended, but I won't be missing you one bit.  I needed you as a crutch for a while, but now that I'm getting healthy again, and feeling better, you were only making me feel worse.

Good-bye Acne!  I'm getting the nutrients that my body needs, so they aren't being stolen from my skin anymore...I can go without makeup again without feeling horribly awkward/embarrassed...and I can do it without using Acne fighting face wash or treatments...finally. 

Good-bye mood swings!  I feel like myself again.  Even when I'm angry or stressed out for the moment, self control is possible, and yelling isn't my line of defense.  I can show patience again.  I'm less easily irritated.  I'm actually enjoying my children and wanting to really play with them- and other kids too!  I don't go berserk when my surroundings get loud.  I can stop and think, breathe, etc. when I feel the least bit overwhelmed.  I like to cuddle again...and tickle...and play hide and seek...

Good-bye fatigue!  I feel motivated AND I have the energy to do whatever I'm motivated to do.

Good-bye Stress!  I feel like I can finally relax.  Take a load off.  Go with the flow.  Let things roll off my back.  Deal with issues as they arise calmly.  I do everything better without your toxic presence.

Hello genuine smiles.

Hello joyful laughter.

Hello wit.  You've been lacking.

Hello caring what I look like and wanting to look cute for my hubby.

Hello quality time.

Hello better time management.

Hello completed projects.

Hello dancing parties in the living room.

Hello "crazy" me.

Hello "Pammy hugs".

Hello extroverted side.  I've missed you.

Hello late night delirious giggles.

Hello so many parts of me that haven't been here in a while.

Hello Healing.

Thank you, my Healer

You get every bit of the glory.

My New Adventure: Homeopathy, Butter, and Getting Healthy Again

I went to a local dairy farm today. All the dairy comes from grass(not treated with pesticides)-fed Jersey cows that are not given any extra hormones.  It isn't pasteurized or homogenized.  I bought 2 gallons of raw milk, a quart of cream, a quart of yogurt, and a pound of cheddar cheese.

Bella, Balian, and Isaiah got to see a bunch of calves, one of which was very vocal with his mooing.

Before you start getting hysterical on me about how I'm going to end up in the hospital because of diseased milk, let me 'splain.  Just FYI:

In Texas, to sell raw milk, it has to be bought on the primes is of the farm, and the farm has to have a dairy retail permit.  In order to keep their permit to sell raw milk, the milk is tested once a month for any disease that people tend to think would be in unpaseurized milk (TB, etc.).

Now, let me backtrack a bit.

My Doc put me on anti-depressants.  At the time, it was a good move, because I was a wreck. For. Real.

BUT, it wasn't something I was ok with being on long-term, or for LIFE!  I felt better for the first month or so, but then, just as I had suspected, medicating didn't get to the root of the problem, but rather masked symptoms, and my symptoms started coming back.  Not ALL of them, but most of them.

I just kept having this thought that it was a nutrition issue.  Was something I was eating, not eating, etc., causing a lot of my symptoms?

I looked into the gluten thing.  I mean I had something crazy like 14 symptoms associated with gluten intolerance, and so many people seem to be sensitive to wheat, right?  It was worth a shot.  But after trying to go gluten-free for a couple of weeks, I didn't feel any better.

I really wasn't feeling depressed.  I was anxious.  Stressed out to the point that my back was tense ALL the time.  Constant loud noise just sent me through the roof, and with 3 kids noise is inevitable.  Too much going on at once, like during school-time when I was trying to teach Bella and the boys were occupied (but still moving, wiggling, or talking), were the absolute worst times.  I just couldn't handle it.

My time with Jesus- fabulous.  I feel closer to The Lord than I ever have.  Getting into the Word.  Doing prayer-walks, journaling, writing songs, and really the most constant communication I have had with Him, ever.  Actually being able to hear those still small whispers as if they were screams, at times.

I'll admit that I haven't been running lately.  I know that's huge, but seriously.  Anyone that has 3 kids and is a night owl that doesn't like to run at night, and can't get her butt out of bed any earlier...if you are able to find a way to fit it in with little ones and homeschool...along with everything else, then by all means, PLEASE share your wealth of knowledge as to how you fit it in :)

The other thing that I have thought about is that this is the first place I have lived since I started college that I haven't been a part of a small group, or had a close-knit circle of girlfriends.  I have a few girlfriends that I know from all different places, and we also have a home church.  I usually get together (via play dates) with one of my girls every week.  But one-on-one time with these ladies has been rare, if at all.  I am so thankful for carpooling to BSF with my friend, Dani.  That 45-minute drive has been such a blessing, kids in tow and all :)

I won't always be surrounded with community.  And sometimes, even when I am, I go through times of loneliness.  But honestly, right now, I don't feel lonely.  I really think that this is one of those times that God has been teaching me that He is enough.  I can only truly be satisfied in Him anyway.  Friends, fellowship, and true community are amazing Blessings, but we won't always be in a time of plenty, and wealth has many faces.  We always tend to think about money, but sometimes it's simply having a wealth of community.  Right now, my wealth is communion with The Lord. 

Jamie is a new friend of mine.  I met her at church, when she and her family moved back to Granbury from doing missions in Germany.  She is homeschooling her daughter, Victoria, who is Bella's age, and has become Bella's BFF.  She and I seem to be very like-minded, always looking for the most natural way to do things.  Talking to Jamie about the past 3 years, she just kept saying "You need to go see Barbara."

Barbara is a classic Homeopath, meaning she practices Homeopathy, or natural healing.  It's not weird.  It's actually quite logical.  Most MDs will look at the symptoms, and when you have a lot of different types of symptoms, they tend to think they are separate things.  Homeopathy looks at the whole person- physical symptoms, emotional symptoms, life events, etc., and they try to get to the root of the problem, and find how the symptoms are somehow connected.  A Homeopath will spend hours pouring over one case, trying to fit all the pieces together.

Barbara is not only a Homeopath, but she also has a background in psychology and nutrition as well.  And she at least believes that God is the Creator, based on our conversation.

She took one look at my symptoms, and said immediately that I had a lot of vitamin deficiencies.

As we dug deeper and got into medical history, life events, diet, etc., she just kept taking notes...and kept shaking her head.  Like she was saying,"this poor girl is so messed up..."

3 years ago, my labor with Balian was pretty traumatic.  Induced with Pitocin, without pain meds. They broke my water.  Fast delivery without pushing. Cord wrapped around his neck.  Body went into shock after.  Had to give me a shot to stop me from hemmoraging.  Insane, really.  For those that don't know labors otherwise, this really isn't normal.  It isn't natural.  My body rebelled.

Because of losing a lot of blood, I became deficient in vitamins and minerals necessary to deal with stress.  Add to that, not only the stress of the labor, and adjusting to a new baby, but also getting out of the Navy, moving twice in 2 months and ending up halfway across the country, the unexpected future because of Neil not having a job lined up yet, finding a home...and you get the picture.  I just couldn't handle it all.

My deficiencies continued.

The ironic part is that Barbara said that I was showing a lot of B-vitamin deficiencies, and my blood work, via the MD, came back normal, and my B12 looked amazing on paper.  Barbara explained to me that it can take up to 30 years for b-vitamin deficiencies to show up in blood work, because the body takes from vitamin stores...meaning the skin, the gums and teeth...other places in the body that need those vitamins as well (think pregnancy gengivitis, for example).  So...when symptoms show up, it is the body's way of saying it needs more nutrients.

Then, we went on a vegan diet.  Healthiest thing you can do, right?  Apparently not.  

I not only left that appointment with 3 raw vitamin supplements (you don't want to know what's in them), and a homeopathic remedy, but I also received a very different lesson on nutrition than what I have ever been taught.

When you hear "if you don't do anything else, please eat coconut oil and REAL, full-fat butter", you kinda do a double-take.

Barbara recommended that Neil and I read this book:

Interesting, huh?

Raw milk.  Culturing your own milk. Soaking flour before using it.  Sprouting grains.  Grass-fed cows.  Organic free-range eggs.  No chocolate.  Only (true) natural sweeteners.  Nothing processed.

And I thought cooking would get easier...

Pretty much the book takes nutrition back to the way that cultures have eaten traditionally, forever.

It goes so much more in depth than I have ever read about nutrition.  And that says a lot.  I've read a lot.

We typically hear that animal fats cause blocked arteries.  But we never hear that the reason behind it is not the animal products themselves, but rather the processing of them, or the way that animals are raised.

In brief, if we just consume things the proper way, the natural way that God created them, and stop mucking everything up, we would all be much, much healthier.

Not just in the way things are processed, but even the processes we use to do our cooking.

Pretty eye-opening.

But so far, I'm feeling pretty good because of the supplements, and hopefully changing my diet will help keep me from being deficient in the vitamins I need.

When I have "accidentally" forgotten to take my Rx, I've felt better, and had much better days than when I have taken it, if that says anything.

Only time will tell.

In the meantime...I've got a quart of pure cream sitting on the counter so it will sour...so I can turn it into butter and buttermilk in the morning.  Butter to cook with, and buttermilk to soak my flour in so my body digests it more easily.

Food for thought, huh?

I'd love to see your comments on this one ;)

Trust and Obey

  How many times have I told my children they need to listen, and obey- right away, all the way, in a happy way?  So many times I have wondered if I have been any kind of example for them to follow.  Do I obey God right away, all the way, in a happy way?  Or, do I hesitate, delay my obedience, only do as much as I feel comfortable doing, or grumble about what I'm supposed to do when I actually do it?

This week I have been studying about Abraham's call from God to leave everything he had known and go wherever God led him.  He had no clue where he was going when he left, and yet, he brought everyone and everything he had with him on his journey- never questioning God, but simply obeying, knowing that He who has promised is faithful.

Then, when God told Abraham to sacrifice his only son- the one in whom God said Abraham's promise would begin to be fulfilled through, he still trusted that God would keep his promise.  That He would make a way, even if it meant raising Issac from the dead. He trusted God completely, and obeyed God one step at a time, calmly and confidently.  He knew that whatever God spoke would come to pass.  Every promise would be fulfilled.  

What an incredible example of true faith and trust in God alone.

In the midst of studying Abraham, God's Word seemed to be screaming at me, if that is possible.  You see, there is this thing that the Holy Spirit has whispered softly on occasion to me over the past couple of months - putting a bug in my ear so to speak.  I never had confirmation of what I was supposed to do, but I have been praying for it.

My answer came through God's Word, and the gentle (or not so gentle) voice of the Holy Spirit.  As I'm reading and studying, He says "you know that thing that you've been wondering about- the thing that you wanted confirmation about- yeah, you need to follow Abraham's example.  I need you to act in faith and obey."

I suppose true faith comes when we give up the very thing we love the most.

Even if it is something that God has completely directed our path in.  When His fingerprints are everywhere.  When you question "surely you don't mean that, Lord."

Maybe He just wants me to show Him that I care for Him and love Him more than any hope, dream, or desire.  To show Him I love Him, the Gift- Giver more than I love the gift.  That I will trust, obey, and follow Him no matter the cost.  To make sure that He, rather than me, will be glorified.

I don't know the reason.  I don't understand it.  I have no idea what is ahead.

Does He want me to give up something good, so that He can give me His Best?

Is it simply a test of faith and obedience?

Is it a change of seasons in my life?

I have no clue.

God has asked me to step down from Praise team.

Even though music has been the constant thing in my life since I was 4 years old.

Even though God, not me, put me in specific places of leadership or training to equip me as a worship leader.

Even though our praise team hasn't finished our CD that has 2 of the songs God gave me on it.

Even though, only 2 weeks ago, He gave me this huge burst of creativity, and in a week, we finished or wrote completely 4 new songs He put on my heart.

Even though as far as we know, we are staying right where we are, in Granbury, and at Generations Church.

There are so many of those "Even though..."s.

And yet, all He has asked is for simple obedience.  Simple trust.  Simple faith.

It is definitely not simple.  Not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

But it doesn't matter.

These are the words to one of the songs I was given:

"The more I seek your face the more I seem to find my way,

It's in losing all of me that I bring glory to your name.

Help me lose control, and gain your strength, as I disappear in you,

Make less and less of me until your Spirit shines through

I need you, Lord

And with every passing hour, I know I need you more than ever

I need you more

I could never get enough of you

I need your Grace to pull me through

I need your love, oh Lord, I need you more

Take my hopes and dreams, and all my plans, and make them what you will

Take everything that's of myself, everything that's not of you

For nothing in this world could offer anything you give

Who else could speak to dead men's bones, breathe life, and make them live?

I give up

I know I'm nothing without you

Pour me out, pour me out

No matter what the cost, 

I know without you I am lost

But now, I'm finding you"

It's always amazing how God prepares my heart for the next step through giving me songs.  He is literally singing over me.

How could I NOT trust Him?

I met with our worship pastor this evening.  He wasn't happy that God was taking me away, but he released me and blessed me, and encouraged me in my walk of faith.

And that is what I am doing; walking in faith.

Now I have to be still, and do what I know to do as I wait, until in His time, He calls me to whatever His will for me may be.

May God receive Glory for whatever He is doing in me.

He who has promised is faithful.  Always.

Warning Label

WARNING: prayer walking around your driveway in circles until you get so lost in communicating with the Lord that you have no idea how many circles you've made (100 times?) when it's pitch-black outside can cause breakthroughs to happen, as well as becoming instantly addicting.  Symptoms include an unwillingness to go inside, having to force yourself to stop walking, and a worried husband wondering where his wife has been.  It is perfectly normal to have  no concept of time, allowing an hour or more to go by without even realizing it.

Highly reccommended by the Holy Spirit.  

However, the enemy has criticized this practice in the form of busy schedules, housework, laziness, fear, condemnation, guilt, self-hate, and the like.  If you experience any of these attacks, standard procedure is to rebuke the enemy by calling him a jerk and a liar, then marching your happy butt outside, whether he likes it or not.  This could cause your heart to form a target in the weakest areas, to which he can aim his flaming arrows.  If this happens, start singing praises and repeating truths of scripture repeatedly until the words penetrate your heart.

This could form a more serious addiction to the above mentioned practice of prayer-walking.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

The Fog

I feel like my world has been rocked.  And yet, at the same time I feel as though I'm finally finding some clarity.

The past 2.5 years have been such a struggle.  I just haven't been "me".  

I've been trying to see clearly through thick fog.  Squinting.  Straining to see what's in front of me.  Trying to make out the lines that keep me on the right side of the road.  Moving forward slowly, yet feeling like I'm not moving forward at all.

Yet I've been in the Word.  Growing in knowledge.  And drawing closer to the Savior.

I've been on my face before the Lord.  Literally.  Countless times.  Crying out.  Drawing near to the Lord in ways that I never have before - in ways I've never needed to before.

In the midst of my weakness, I have taken my failings to the only One who can transform.

And yet, in my weakness, Satan has used it as an opportunity to plant seeds of doubt in so many ways.

I would read the Word, and see how far I was from where I wanted to be.

I would confess, repent, draw near to God, and yet, I looked and saw the same things present in my life.  The same feelings.  The same actions.

I longed for transformation.

There were times that I would be doing ok for a while.  Good days.  It brought hope that perhaps things were changing.  I would go on-sometimes days, sometimes weeks even - where I felt as though I was truly being transformed.

But I was never truly out of the fog.

I still felt weighed down.  I still felt like something just wasn't right.  I still just wasn't me.

What happened to my fire?

What happened to the life? The spark?  The sense of adventure?

The one who was passionate about life?

The one who loved with everything she had?

I started to question everything.  Where had I gone wrong?

Did I have unconfessed sin in my life?

Was there some unforgiveness?

Why do I feel this way?

I would wonder what I was doing wrong.  What I needed to change.

So then I started going into this works-based mindset.  What can I do?  How can I change?  

Because if I was drawing near to the Lord and I wasn't being transformed, surely I was doing something wrong.

I thought that I had failed.

But a works-based mindset can only lead to behavior modification.  Not true transformation.

I even came to question my Salvation itself, because I still was struggling to see fruit in my life.  I mean, if we know a tree by its fruit (Matthew 7:17-18), and my fruit was bad, then I must not really know the Lord like I say I do, right?

But that would simply bring me back to the quiet place to find refuge and strength.  I would cast my cares on the Lord.  He would renew my hope.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV84)

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

 (Isaiah 40:31 NIV)

I was doing all the right things.  Going to the right place.  My heart was even in the right place.  So why wasn't I getting better?  It even felt as though I was getting worse.

10 hours of sleep at night, and I was still exhausted.

Mood swings would come out of nowhere...still...when 2.5 years ago I never had a short fuse.

Getting angry over ridiculous things.

Crying at times that seemed just as ridiculous.

Getting really bothered by affection...when I used to be known for my hugs...

Lack of motivation.

I saw all of these symptoms, and many more.

Was it possible that my hormones were still not regulated?  I kept waiting to feel better...but it never happened.

After a conversation with a woman at my church, and prayer, I felt compelled to go back to the doctor.  I started looking up symptoms.  Maybe it was my Thyroid?  Who knows?

But I was willing to, if nothing else, see if there was even a physical problem there.

My doctor tested hormones, thyroid, even vitamins and minerals (B12, Iron, etc.) in my blood to try to find the root of the problem.

A little over a week later I was called with the test results.

Nothing.  Nothing was abnormal.  My blood test came back perfect.

Most people would be ecstatic.  Not me.  I was confused.

I still had a follow-up appointment to go over the test results.  Not really sure why.  But I went.

A doctor- a different one- a woman came in to go over the results with me.  

"this should be easy," she said.  "everything looks perfect."

My respnse: "We did the tests to see what was wrong.  If the tests are all normal, then why do I have all of these symptoms?"

She asked me to go over my symptoms again.  I started crying right there.  Saying "see?  What is wrong with me?"

Then she asked me something really weird.  

"are you craving sugar all the time?"

Yes...totally confused.

Then she started talking to me about Seretonin levels.  That I was showing all of the symptoms of low Seretonin.

Low Seretonin = Depression

It was the first time I had ever heard of Depression as a physical problem rather than an emotional problem.

My Doctor then came in to talk to me about it some more.  He told me that Depression puts this image in people's minds of someone crying in a corner, but that more times than not, Depression shows itself in people who just say that they just don't feel like themselves.  They just don't feel good.

He said that he suspected Depression when he ran the tests, but he wanted to eliminate other possibilities first.

They started talking about medicine, and I got kinda freaked out.

Anti-depressants?  I didn't know how I felt about that.

But the more I talked to my Doctor, the more ok with it I felt.

Could all of the stuff I had been through be summed up to a physical problem of low Seretonin?

I knew I had symptoms of depression.  I never questioned that.  My questions were always about the reason why.

I always had in my head that the Depression was caused because of a deeper problem.  I mean, it showed up right after having Balian, so it had to have started because of hormones, right?  But as time went on and I wasn't getting better, more times than not I just assumed that what I was going through had to be a spiritual problem.  What I hadn't realized was that physical problems can affect my spiritual life, but that doesn't make it a spiritual problem.

Perhaps it wasn't because of a lack of faith that I wasn't healed.

Perhaps it was a physical issue that I was trying to make a spiritual issue.

Now, does that mean that I believe any less in God's healing power?  Absolutely not!

What I am saying is that God heals in different ways.  It isn't always some supernatural healing that can't be explained.

Sometimes He heals in common ways, by going to the doctor, by taking medicine. By receiving treatments.

Does that mean that we don't go to God and ask Him to heal?  Absolutely not!

Because weather by supernatural means, or by wisdom and medicine, it is God that does the healing.

He is "Able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)

He is able to heal in ways that can only be explained by the Power of God.

And He is able to heal through medicine, because any wisdom that man possesses came from God in the first place.  Weather man knows it or not.  Weather man acknowledges it or not.

Either way, God deserves the Glory.

And that is what truly matters.  God receiving the Glory.

That is our ultimate purpose here, on earth.  To give God the Glory.

I can't explain why God works in one way with one person and another way with another person, except that perhaps God receives the Glory best in different ways in different people's lives.

Why were Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego saved IN the furnace rather than being saved FROM the furnace? (Daniel 3)

Why did God tell Naaman, throgh Elisha, to go dip into the river 7 times to be healed, even though he expected something different. "I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy." (2 Kings 5:11 NIV)

Why did Jesus put mud on a man's eyes to heal his blindness (John 9), and at other times He simply spoke (John 4, and others)?

Why did some get healed by going into the healing pool and others never had the chance to get in there in the first place (John 5)?

God heals in different ways at different times.

God works in different ways, depending on the circumstances.

But His goal is always the same.  For us to draw near to Him, and for Him to receive the Glory.

I haven't been healed yet.  I'm still awaiting my healing.  The fog is still there.  I'm still squinting and looking ahead and wondering if I'm truly moving forward.  But I'm believing that the fog will eventually clear.

I believe that God is able to heal me.

I believe He will heal me, in whatever capacity He chooses.

And just like those 3 men who said "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not..."(Daniel 3:13, 17, 18 NIV).

Even if He doesn't, I will still praise Him.

Because God has already given me Victory through His Son.

I wrote this song a while back.  It's the one that we've recorded for the CD.  Although I don't have the music for you to listen to, I can at least give the words.  

I have treasure in this jar of clay

Overflowing with your goodness, even though I break

Though at times it may seem I'm lost in defeat

I'll remember you've already brought the victory.

You never said that victory meant having things my way

But instead that you conquered all when you overcame the grave

Help me walk in your joy so the world can see

That you've already brought the victory

So I will count it joy when trials come my way

When the world around me crumbles and seems in disarray

I am hard-pressed on every side, but I won't give up

And every strife that this world brings, you have overcome with love

Help me keep my eyes fixed on the cross and through your Word remind me

That you've already brought the victory

So I praise you, Jesus, in the midst of my pain

Knowing battles that I come against will bring you fame

Yes, you are good, and from your throne you can see

And you've already brought the victory

You've already brought the victory.

Ichthus

 So pretty much, I'm just going to post about a million pictures and describe.  Seems the easiest way to go...


We left Tuesday morning at about 11am.

Cary, driving us faithfully.

 We arrived in Memphis, TN for the night.

Our bass player, Scott.

Danni, my roomy for the week

Unloading...that's a lot of luggage!

We headed from Memphis on Wednesday morning to Wilmore, KY - to the Asbury Theological Seminary/ Asbury College campus.

Half of us (the ones of us that were spouse-less for the trip) stayed on campus.

My roomies - Danni and Mrs. Diane.  Danni lives about 2 blocks from me in Granbury, and her girls are my kids' most favorite people on planet earth.

Mrs. Diane is an incredible woman with amazing wisdom, and such an encouraging spirit!  Most of us have adopted her as our own and call her "Mom".

Love these ladies!!

We were really surprised at how nice the dorms were.  We had a suite with 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, and a kitchenette.  We were pretty cozy for the week!

 We showed up the next morning at Ichthus to kick off the day with worship.  I've never experienced having "roadies" to help out with unloading and set-up before...any time I've played somewhere, we've had to tote almost everything we needed with us, and had to do all the work ourselves to set up.  But the roadies were there...and we were thankful!  This was also the first time I've gone to play somewhere and I wasn't playing my guitar.  It felt so bazaar to just be standing around while everyone else was setting up, tuning, etc.  Different experiences...

See the guy sitting at the drums in the picture above on the Right?  He was incredible.  (My mind is totally going blank on his name at the moment...it'll come to me later, I'm sure...) The schedule got changed last minute, and so we ended up not leading worship on Saturday morning.  This guy was really upset about that. He was an encouragement to us, and we were all able to pray together in the midst of a bit of frustration.

We always started out with a pretty small crowd, but it grew as we continued to worship...

It is a privilege to sing with these ladies. 

Diane, Janet, myself, and Karen

Our group led worship Thursday and Friday mornings.  We have multiple "leaders" in our group that lead worship.  Shake is awesome about passing the reigns and training up leaders.  So just like we do on Sundays at church, we passed the reigns a lot.  My turn to lead came on Friday morning.  There was no denying that the Holy Spirit ushered us deeper into Himself.  I feel like I even had some breakthroughs in worship on Friday while leading.  Amazing how God works.

We went to Northeast Christian Church to "rehearse", a.k.a worship.  Great worship time :)

Back Row: Shake, Mike, Cary, Jeff, Kelly
Front Row: Karen, Alatha, Emma, Danni, Diane, Janet, me, Gary, Scott, and Bubby (Shake and Karen's son)

Another thing that we did was an interview about multi-cultural worship.  Shake and a guy named Neil, who is a black pastor of a white Presbyterian church, talked about what the church is missing when we separate ourselves according to ethnic backgrounds within the body of Christ.  All of us were a part of the interview - which is just stinkin' cool, because that is the whole reason our group is different!  Our church is predominately white, but we're beginning to get more and more ethnicly diverse - not just black and white - but hispanic, asian - you name it!  And our praise team is great because we are so diverse!  In a single sunday we will sing anything from your typical "white" contemporary Christian songs - to music typically found in black gospel churches - and everything in between.  Hymns are sung in ways that are traditionally sung in both kinds of churches.  The amazing thing is this - take a song like Order My Steps - a gospel song that is usually sung by a large black lady that has amazing pipes.  When Alatha goes forward and is preparing to sing, there is doubt spread all over the faces of those that know that song - they have their doubts that a skinny white girl can sing it well - but she is simply amazing.  Then, once she starts singing, you get faces with eyes so wide they look like they're going to bust out of their heads!
Anyway...back to the interview...(sorry!)
The interview will be aired on God tv at some point in the future.  not sure when.  I think I'm the only person who didn't say anything in the interview.  Do you ever have times that you just kinda feel like you need to shut up because you feel like you talk too much?  That was me that day.  I didn't want to speak unless the Holy Spirit prompted me.  I didn't want to speak just for the sake of saying something.  Then, when I did feel prompted, time didn't really allow for me to say anything.  That's fine with me.  But what I would have shared is this:  In Acts 1, Jesus says that the Holy Spirit would come and the disciples would be his witnesses - to Jerusalem, all of Judea, to Samaria, and to the whole world.  And all through Acts we see how all of these people groups received the same salvation and the same Spirit - bringing unity where otherwise there was none.  The Jews hated the Samaritans, but because of Christ, they were one.  Brothers and sisters.  God wants unity.  We were never intended to be separated in worship by race, and we miss out on the fullness of God when we separate.

Shake's home church was hosting a Benny Hinn service.  I had no idea who Benny Hinn was before I went. Let's just say it was quite an experience.  One that I hope to not repeat ever again.  I could go on and on about that one...but I think it would be best for me to keep my mouth shut other than to say that I didn't just feel "checks" in my spirit - I felt SCREAMS - to get out!  And when I did, it felt like I was finally able to breathe again - a breath of fresh air after feeling pressed down in an almost suffocating-like atmosphere.
ok, ok...I'll stop now...

Saturday, we played twice at the Galleria stage at Ichthus.  It was kinda surreal.  This was the line-up:
8:10pm - Derek Webb
9:20pm - us
10:30pm - the Afters
11:40pm - us again.


Of course, this was all going on while Tenth Avenue North and Chris Tomlin were playing on the Main Stage...which is where everyone was...o well.


We received some pretty amazing encouragement though.  The guy that was the owner of the sound company that Ichthus was using told us that he was amazed that our group was able to blend (harmonies) so well, considering all the talent (ie, strong voices) that we have.  He also said that we shouldn't have been closers for the night, but instead should have been put on earlier, when more people were around to hear us. For someone that's around musicians as much as he is, that was a HUGE compliment!

 Love these ladies!!

Diane, Emma, (Jeff behind us), Janet, me, Alatha, Danni, and Karen

Oh, yes, and one of the perks of being a musician/singer/whatever you want to call us, is that we had backstage access the entire time.  Here, a picture from backstage at the end of Chris Tomlin's set - as he's gettin' down :)

Danni and I were hoping to get a chance to meet him, but it didn't happen - we didn't have time to stick around - we had to book it to our next set!

We did get to meet some other fun people though.

I'm not a person that just goes up to people whose name I know, but I have no reason to talk to them other than to simply meet them.  I mean, we are all just people, right?  But Shake introduced us to some people that he knew that I would not have otherwise met, which is pretty neat.

(I know I'm being totally vague here, but I'm not a big fan of throwing out names).

I will mention some people though, that you may or may not have heard.  Mostly because I just thought they were neat people.  And their music is good too.

Josiah James was a pretty neat guy.  I actually met him in the merchandise tent.  He was manning his own table, which I thought was pretty cool - and he had an ipod and headphones on the table for people to listen to his music that may not have heard it yet - genius!  His music is good though.  Kind of a pop/emo feel.  I bought both of his CDs - and I'm liking them!  You should check him out!

We met These guys, from Visible Worship Band, because they were the ones that took our place leading worship on Saturday morning.  Then, we kept running into Eric, the bass player, who is from Texas, and said he felt horrible about what happened that morning (even though they had nothing to do with it).  Eric is definitely an extrovert - a very fun guy!  We didn't get a chance to hear them play, but they just finished their first CD, so you should check it out!  They have a very fun, very different, somewhat folk-y sound.  Not your typical worship band.  

Look up Visible Worship Band: Forged in Love on iTunes.

Back to what we did...

 

Sunday, we had 2 sets at 2 different campuses of the same church, Evangel World Prayer Center, in Louisville.  First was City of Hope, where we lead worship, and Shake also preached.  This place is amazing.  Not only do they have a church building, but they have apartments that they use to get people on their feet after dealing with addictions, etc - as well as a food pantry and they feed a crazy amount of people every day through their ministry.  God was moving in some pretty amazing ways that morning. Meaning the Word of God was penetrating hearts, and people were being healed because of it.

Hearts were healed.  Burdens were lifted.  Victories were won.

And before we knew it, we had been praising God together for 3 hours!! 

So we were late to our next set, at (I think) the main Evangel campus - but it was ok, and worked out fine.  

Sunday night, our church decided to pamper their praise team, and had reserved rooms for us at a 4-star hotel in downtown Louisville.  The Brown.  It was a great night of good rest, and I am so thankful to have a church family that loves on us just because they want to Bless us :)

Monday morning, we headed back to Texas.  We arrived at about 3am on Tuesday morning.  I still don't think I've caught up on sleep.

All in all, Ichthus was great.  There were difinitely moments of frustration, disorganization, and difficulty dealing with traveling with 2 vans and 15+ people.  Everything takes longer.  Nothing goes the way we expect.

But God is always there in the midst of it.  He always finds us right where we are.  He uses every opportunity to draw us closer to Himself, even when we're being hyper-critical, overly frustrated, are sleep-deprived, food deprived, and have a bad attitude (yes, talking about myself here).  God's desire is always repentance.  Always to bridge the gap between He and us individually and corporately.  He has our Best in mind, when we don't even know what our "best" is.

So what's next?  No idea.  I know that we're going to continue with recording.  I know that God is continually giving me songs.  Other than that, it's in God's hands.  In the midst of it all, He is teaching me to be content in every situation.  But quite obviously, I still need some work on that one (bad attitude = not content).  So whether I'm leading worship for a congregation, or jumping and waving my arms around like a crazy person while doing music with the babies in the nursery, or I'm at home doing dishes, sweeping crumbs off the floor, and changing diapers - God is using it all.  Eventually I'll understand the big picture - I just may not understand until I see Him face to face - and then...it won't really matter.

Transformation

I'm not really sure where to begin this post.  We'll see what comes of it...

I am so beyond overflowing.  I don't even know where to begin.
God has been bringing me through this incredible process of pruning.  Yes, you read that right.  Incredible.  There is something extremely hard, yet extremely incredible about being spiritually knocked over, falling on to your hands and knees, being paralyzed and unable to get up, and yet, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you do.  But it isn't by standing...it's by getting lower, and lower, and lower...until you're laying prostrate in the Holy Presence of the Living God.

I've shared my struggles over the past couple of years...
The battle with PPD.
Waking up one day and realizing that I wasn't displaying ANY of the fruit of the Spirit.
The Holy Spirit showing me that I needed to forgive myself...

Then, about a month ago, I suppose he thought I was ready for more.

I've been studying the Acts of the Apostles.  The Book of Acts.  Almost ALL of the Epistles.  There is something amazing about seeing these men handle trials.  There is something amazing about actually understanding how you could possibly find joy in the midst of trials - however large OR small.

I'm realizing now that a trial isn't simply persecution.  It isn't always an attack of the enemy either.  Sometimes a trial is simply something that God allows to happen so that He can use it to build character in us.  That could be as big as a battle with cancer, or the loss of a loved one...or it could be as small as walking into a child's room that looks like it just got hit by a hurricane, or a child that throws a fit when they don't get their way...
The important thing is how we react.

Do we face that trial head-on, persevere, show self-control, and look MORE like Christ on the other side?
Or do we get selfish, throw our own fit, get angry, bitter, resentful, and look LESS like Christ when it is all said and done?

The Holy Spirit revealed to me that although the trial of PPD didn't originate with Him, He intended to use it for His purposes.  He intended to use it to build character in me.
The reason I woke up one day and realized that I had no fruit was because I didn't persevere.  Yes, I was falling on my face before the Lord, but instead of seeing the joy in the trail, I was coming to Him asking "Why?" and asking Him to take it away.  In the meantime, I was NOT getting into God's Word.  I was simply in "survival mode".  But instead of depending on God's Spirit to get me through - asking for guidance in each and every temptation that I faced - I tried to do it on my own.
I don't even think that I realized that I was shutting God out.  I was so emotionally distressed - stressed out - and feeling like I was quite literally, going crazy.
So instead of persevering and looking MORE like Christ on the other side, I looked LESS like Christ.
Instead of having MORE love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, I had less, if any at all.

Yes, forgiving myself was a necessary step.  I had to forgive myself so I could let go of the bitterness.  So that I didn't have unforgiveness separating me from God.  That was vital.
But once God dealt with me about that, He brought the full weight to my attention.
I. had. failed.   miserably.

But the amazing thing about God is that He brings me to these places so that I am able to draw near to Him. He has repentance in mind.
And when we have a heart of repentance, He is right there with us, carrying us the rest of the way, to where He wants us to be.
What's even more amazing to me is the fact that God KNEW that I would blow it.  He KNEW I would blow it, but He still allowed me to go through it.
Why?  Because he loves me so stinkin' much.
Because He knew that I needed some pruning.
He knew that there was a weak link, and whatever he has planned for me in the future - he knew that I wouldn't survive it if I wasn't first pruned.
Do you see just HOW BIG and HOW AWESOME my God is?
He had to tear down my house.
He had to tear me down to the point that all that was left was the Foundation.
He had to go so far as to mend the very Foundation on which I stand...so that He can make me strong.  So that the building that stands on top of the foundation will not crumble or melt when put through the testing of fire.
Instead, he wants that Foundation to be so strong - and the building to be so strong - that I will be able to stand firm - no matter what test, attack, or trial comes my way.
Yes, He is Amazing.
Oh, how He loves me.

God's ways are perfect.
We may not see it at the beginning.  We may want to give up.  We may fail miserably.  But My God is a God of restoration and Hope.  We are NEVER too far out of His reach.
Oh, how He loves us!  Oh, How he loves YOU!

And God's will has been done.  I came to the amazing place of repentance, and God met me there.
He has exchanged so many unfruitful things in my life with fruit of the Spirit.
I am relying on Him more and more every day.
I see the "little trials" as opportunities to choose Love.  To choose obedience.  To choose self-control.  I am by no means perfect, and I know that I will NEVER reach perfection.
But I see God's hand working, and it is amazing.
I celebrate amazing victories that to others may seem trivial.
For me, it is only by the hand of God that I am able to be awakened in the middle of the night by a toddler who will not stop crying...which turns into throwing a fit...and then an all-out tantrum...
and not yell, raise my voice, or even use irritation in my voice...for 30 minutes.  Only by God's Grace and the power of the Holy Spirit can I instead show patience, gentleness, and low, hushed tones of voice and singing to soothe.
Only by the Grace of God.
That was my first HUGE victory.  The first sign of transformation.
To others, it may seem trivial, but to me, it was a breath of fresh air - and proof of God's Spirit moving in my life.

As the days go on, and I continue to get into God's Word - and continue to seek God's help EVERY step of the way - I am seeing victory.  I am feeling more like myself - and seeing a picture of myself that I have NEVER seen before.
I might be able to "change" some things about my life, but real Transformation happens only by the power of the Holy Spirit.
And I'm seeing it happen.

Now, I'm at this place of just utter amazement.  God is teaching me so much in such a short amount of time, and I am just falling in love with my savior more and more every day that I live.
And every day that I live, I want to live less and less for me - and only for His Glory!

The past couple of years God has been preparing me for this place that I'm at now.
And now, as scary as it is to write this, I have surrendered it all, and I am ready for God to rip my life apart for His Glory.
The more I read His Word, the more it messes me up anyway.
It messes me up, because as I dig deeper, I see just how Holy God is.
How he could love me, is beyond me.
And yet he does.
By Grace we have been saved.  But that Grace was not cheap.  It took the very life of His son.  And now, God asks me for my everything.  My very life.  To live for him rather than myself.  To glorify Him rather than myself.
I am willing.
Lord, Help me!

God gave me a song about 2 weeks ago.  It is the song that I sing when I wake up - asking the Holy Spirit to fill me up.  I hope you are able to worship with this song as much as I do :)

This is a really rough recording.  You'll hear little voices in the background - hope you don't mind :)  Oh, and it takes a couple of seconds for it to start, so be patient, and Enjoy!

Come into this house
come and dwell in me
fill me up
overflowing with your love
Holy Spirit, live in me

Take my life and make a change
but not in ways that I can claim
Transform me in ways
only possible through Grace
so the world can give you Praise!