A Year

It's been about a year.

A year of bringing darkness to the light.
A year of mist and cloud.
A year of seeing God in the midst of it.
A year of questioning why, then realizing that the answer doesn't really matter.
A year of failures, so I can see God's Grace.
A year of inability, so I can see that He is able.
A year of frustration, so I can see that my own striving gets me nowhere.
A year of learning to embrace God's will for me- whatever that is, however different that may look from where I thought I would be- and seeing that His Will is always Good.
A year of beginning to understand, not just on a surface level, but deep down to the very depths of my soul, that God loves me.
A year of beginning the journey to embracing His love and acceptance above all others.
A year of trial.  Of doubt.  Of struggle.  Of (almost) despair.
A year of Fighting.
Fighting to rejoice.  Fighting to Hope.  Fighting to have gratitude.
Fighting insomnia.  Fighting the tidal waves of anxious thoughts.
Fighting the enemy who has waged war against my soul.
A year of trying so hard to "fix it", then realizing that all I have is Christ.
A year of wanting what was, then realizing I would never want to go back.
A year of going from living based on what is seen, in my circumstances,
to living based on what is unseen - what God is doing in the midst of my circumstances.
A year of learning to count it Joy.
A year of healing from the inside out.
A year of learning that Jesus is better.
Better than health.  Better than my hopes, or dreams, or plans.
A year of learning to begin to Trust.
To trust that Jesus is better.

The walls are beginning to crumble.
But they haven't fallen yet.

I know that my God will supply all I need - Himself.
I know that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.
He who has promised is Faithful.

A Reason to Sing

I have recently been so thankful for the music by AllSons & Daughters.  Their music is raw, and real, and full of hope as well.  Here is a video with them discussing their song "A Reason to Sing".

A great example of resting in God's Grace in the midst of mess...admitting we don't always have the answers, but we can still have hope knowing that He's "still holding the whole world in [His] hands...That is a reason to sing."

Sometimes we have to be reminded that that is reason enough to sing.

And when we do sing in the midst of unanswered questions - THAT is a sacrifice of Praise.

And here is the full song:

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

What Do We Really Need To Hear?

What do we need to hear when we're having a rough day? Rough week? Rough year? Rough life?

When waiting and hoping for a good report?

When there isn't a good report?
When there don't seem to be any answers to our struggle?

What do we need to hear when our days all run together - when it's hard to get out of bed?  

When getting out of bed is the hardest thing you do?

What do we need to hear when we lock ourselves in bathrooms to have just one minute away from the noise that surrounds us - when it feels like we're standing in the middle of a spinning colosseum of roaring lions?

When a child's crying, whining, and arguing turns into a new battle every moment for an all-day affair, after a night of only 4 hours of sleep, and feels like an all-out assault- and you're fighting on fumes- Running on empty?

What do we need to hear when addictions won't cease?  

When those we love are hurting themselves or others?  

When life we felt inside of us dies?

What do we need to hear when no matter how hard we try, we just can't do this, do that, shake that thought, let go of this hurt, and move on?

What do we need to hear?

Do we need to hear sympathy? Do we need to hear empathy? Do we need someone to defend our case? Do we need to hear "don't worry"? Do we need to hear "breathe in and count to 10"? Do we need to hear "work harder"? Or "just forget about it", or even...

...those "godly" sayings like "God's in control", "God loves you", and "this too shall pass"?

What do we need to hear?

We need to hear the Gospel.

Good News.

When we suffer, we need to know that Jesus suffered for us. That He suffered most of all.

When we're lonely, we need to hear that Jesus was abandoned by all of his friends, and was separated from the Father while bearing our sins on the cross.

When we're anxious, we need to hear that yes, God is in control, but we know that He is because Jesus rose again. When everything seemed hopeless and hopelessly out of control- when Jesus was in the grave- God was still in control.

We need to know that being anxious is our way of wanting to be in control, but feeling out of control, because we're failing at that whole being in control thing.

And because we know and believe that He is in control, we don't have to be.

And breathe a sigh of relief.

When we feel inadequate- that we don't measure up, we need to hear that Christ was perfect for us. We don't have to be. We can stop working so hard to be perfect, and rest in His finished work on the cross. It was enough. once and for all.

We need to hear that God is good. That he has our best in mind. That we know this because He willingly bore the cross and the weight of our sin on our behalf.

We need to hear that putting our hope, our fear, our trust, or our worth in anything else but Jesus will fail us. Will leave us empty. Will leave us asking or begging or longing or working way too hard for something to satisfy us that never will.

We need to hear the Gospel.

Weather we believe the Gospel is absolutely true, or struggle to believe it, or down-right don't believe it to be True - we need to hear it. Because none of us believe it all the time. Because what we do shows us what we believe. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks. Out of the heart, the mind thinks. Out of the heart, the hands do.

We need to be reminded of who we are. Of Who's we are. To be reminded of Who God is. What He's done. What He is doing. How we fit into the beautiful love story that He is writing, and we get to be a part of.

We need to be reminded that the Gospel isn't just about a time in the past, or a time in the future, but that the Gospel is the answer to any and every situation, hardship, temptation, and tragedy in this life.

Right now. Right here.

Me.

You.

Speaking the Gospel into our lives and the lives of those around us is a much-needed breath of fresh air.

It gets to the heart. It cuts deep.

It brings to light those areas of unbelief.

It speaks truth and sheds light in the very place we need it most.

I'm learning. I'm wrestling.

And my eyes are being opened.

The way I talk to myself. The way I talk to others. The way I discipline my children.

I'm changing.

Because the Gospel is penetrating my heart, deeper than it ever has before.

Because it really is Good News.

And I can rest.

Thankful for the Beautiful

Sometimes the Lord gives me those breathtaking moments...

This one is from our vacation in Pagosa Springs, CO.  A little neighborhood of cabins...and then this.

Heaven and earth are full of His glory.

Pennsylvania

A 10-day road trip to Pennsylvania and back went surprisingly well.
Why Pennsylvania?  Neil's brother Jonathan was getting married to a pretty fabulous gal from PA.
We decided if it was going to take us 3 days to get up there, we may as well make the trip more fun for the little ones.  Bella and Balian have been on a huge camping kick.

During the winter, we had a couple of "camp outs" in our living room with sleeping bags on the floor and roasting marshmallows over the fire in the fireplace.

Then, when spring hit, and we knew we'd be making this trip, we went on a 1-night campout as a family as a sort of "try-it-out" kind of thing.

After that trip (and Neil and I not getting a lot of sleep) we realized that there were some things we needed to get before heading out for our big trip - like cots!  Apparently we aren't as young as we used to be.

We left on Saturday, May 25th, and camped for 2 nights on the way to Hershey, PA.

On our last (3rd) day of driving, we were trying to find a place to let the little ones run around an play at lunchtime.  We stopped at a tourist info place outside of Marion, VA, and they pointed us in the direction of Hungry Mother's State Park.  It wasn't exactly "on the way".  More like 10 miles out of the way, but it was gorgeous!

A beach, on a river, in the middle of the mountains.  ahhh...

The littles spent some time on the playground, and we walked around on a little trail, and just admired the beauty from a dock.

Along with Neil's parents and our niece, Maris, we stayed in Hershey for 3 nights, and had some vacation time.
We went to Hershey's Chocolate World, and went through the "tour".  It was essentially a simulation of the chocolate factory, and some history about Mr. Hershey and how chocolate is made.

Then, we went on a trolly ride of Hershey - again, all about Mr. Hershey, his trials in his various endeavors, and how he eventually figured out something that worked.  The trolly ride was pretty entertaining, actually, with actors/singers making it more interesting...and we got some chocolate samples too :)

Interesting facts:  Mr. Hershey wasn't hoarding all of his money for himself.  He pretty much built the town of Hershey, so that his factory workers had a town to live in.  He built a school, a park (Hershey Park, which later became the theme park it is now), and he began an orphanage for boys.  But he wasn't hands-off with the orphanage.  An orphan boy ate dinner with the family at his home every week.  After Mr. Hershey died, he put all of his company's stock into the hands of a trust.  Because of this, the Hershey Factory, Hershey Park, Hershey World, etc. are all linked, and profits from the Hershey company continue to pour into the school for orphans that Mr. Hershey began.  So....when you buy a Hershey bar, you are actually helping contribute to boys (and girls) that are either orphans, or at-risk, receive a quality education.  Never knew that one!

We also went to The Hershey Story Museum and took a Chocolate Lab class with the 3 bigger kids.  We learned the origins of cacao, how cacao turns into cocoa, cocoa butter, etc., and how everything works together to make chocolate.  Then, we got to make our own...sort of.  We got to put melted chocolate into a mold and add our own add-ins, then learn as our chocolate set.  Then, we got to take home our chocolate that we made :)

After Chocolate town, USA (aka Hershey), we headed on to Erie, PA for the wedding.

We spent some time at a State Park right on Lake Erie - again...a beach.  But the water was like ice!  no swimming for this crew!  But we still had a lot of fun playing/jumping/digging/walking in the sand.

Bella posing...oh dear...

The one picture of me from the trip.

We found some unused lifeguard stands...

There was a huge mountain of sand...so there was much jumping.

Later that night, we were back at the beach for Jonathan and Jess' wedding ceremony.  Praise the Lord we were able to have a beautiful ceremony before it rained.  It started pouring as soon as we got into our cars!  But the rain held out :)  It was beautiful!

Bella and Maris

This is our beautiful niece, Ellie (Jonathan and Jess' daughter):

Isaiah spent his time during the ceremony doing this:

Then, after the ceremony, the kids all spent their time doing this:

The reception was at an old mansion.  Beautiful place, but there was lots of really old stuff that couldn't be touched.  Balian was thoroughly confused when I told him that he couldn't sit on a couch.  Poor kid just didn't understand why a perfectly good couch couldn't be sat on.  But, alas!  There was something the kids found they could do!  There was a train in the basement that they could control - moving the train, and causing the whistle to go off.  The boys LOVED it!

The next day we started our 3-day journey back home.  We stopped in Louisville, KY and in Hot Springs, AR.  The little ones had the most fun in Hot Springs, mainly bc we were able to spend some extra time playing in the morning, since we didn't have as long of a trip our last day.  They loved going on the trails, back and forth, back and forth.

over a bridge...

and just having fun. 

love those boys :)

There was another family just down from us and they had 3 kids, twins that were 5 and a 2-yr-old.  They were instantly friends.  We had a hard time pulling the kids back into the car to leave that day, even though they knew we would be home that night.

We had a ton of fun, but let me tell ya...there really is no place like home.  Even if you have to tackle the mile-high laundry mountain the next day.

Trust and Obey: Part 2

The Lord has been taking me on a wild ride.

If you recall from this post, God asked me to step down from Praise Team.

Back up to about a year ago.

I was feeling discontent, disconnected, and was kinda "going through the motions" when it came to Praise team.  For some reason, I just wasn't happy.  I was torn as far as what to do.  Do I step down?  But why would I step down?  I didn't even know where the discontentment was coming from.

I remember feeling a nudging from the Holy Spirit.  A "whisper", if you will.  It was simple.  The word "nursery".

I remember mentioning to my friend, Crystal, that I wasn't sure, but I thought God wanted me to step down from Praise Team.  She asked why.  I said I kinda felt like He was calling me to the nursery.  To teach the babies.  To teach parents and the other nursery workers that discipleship is entirely possible from birth on up.  To take back the time those little ones were in the nursery, and use it for teaching, rather than simply babysitting.

A month or so went by.

Finally, I talked with our children's pastor about stepping up into a teaching role in the nursery.  She said I was an answer to prayer!

At this point, even though I felt discontent, I didn't feel released from Praise team.  So, every Sunday I would sing during Worship, then once the grade-school kids were released to go to their class during the teaching time, I would go to the nursery.  I started out just doing music time with them.  I turned on a CD, let the little ones play with kids' musical instruments, and we sang or danced or shook egg-shakers or whatever.  After about a month, I started teaching them simple Truths about God.  So I would take a passage of scripture, and tell it to them in a way they could understand (hopefully), we would have a short prayer (like, a sentence), then we would have our music time.  This lasted about 20 minutes, tops.

While I was doing all of this, I just kept having this thought in the back of my mind.  I need training.  Yes, I have 3 kids.  Yes, these little ones were receiving teaching when they weren't before, but 15 minutes just didn't seem to me to be enough.  Perhaps because I was seeing first-hand how my kids were being taught at BSF.  Teaching happened during play, while diapers were being changed, while walking down the hall...teaching wasn't simply a Bible story, a prayer, and some singing.  It was teaching character.  It was the way they speak to the kids, and encourage them to "choose to obey".  I had this thought in the back of my mind that it would be so great to receive training through BSF as a children's leader.  I mean, if nothing else, it would be training me to be a better parent!  The end of the school year was approaching, and the Leadership team would be praying about who to ask to step up into those roles.  But even though the thoughts of training were there, I kept thinking that there was just no way that I could make the commitment required.  An additional morning for leadership training every week while trying to homeschool seemed out of the question.  And I had only volunteered in the children's area once or twice, ever.

Well, they didn't ask me to step up into leadership.  Part of me was bummed.  The other part of me was relieved.

At the beginning of the year, I signed up as a volunteer in the children's area whenever they needed someone.  They always need volunteers.  But the ironic thing is that I was never asked to volunteer. 

I kept on with praise team.  I kept teaching in the nursery.

Then God asked me to step down from Praise team.  The nursery and BSF children's leadership were there, in the back of my mind, but I suppose because nothing had changed, and I was already doing nursery while continuing on praise team, that I had just gotten comfortable being there.  We had been working on the CD, God had continued to bless me with songs, and music was feeling "right" at the moment.  I guess that's why it was such a struggle.  I suppose I was simply blind to what He was doing.  And oh, don't forget how forgetful I can be.  I wasn't even thinking about the connection with nursery.

So I stepped down in obedience, but received little no direction otherwise.  I just had to wait.

In the meantime, the nursery director and myself were on the same page, wanting to pour even more into the little ones.  We got a curriculum and started alternating weeks teaching.  Yay!

This went on for about 2 months.

After realizing that other ladies in my BSF class had been asked to volunteer in the children's area multiple times, and I still hadn't been asked at all, I finally asked someone about it.  Apparently my volunteer form had been misplaced somehow, but they got my name again, and said they would put me on the list.

My BSF group leader calls me weekly on Tuesdays.  About a month ago, she called me on a Monday.  I didn't think much of it, and our conversation went on the same as always...how our week was going, how the lesson was kicking our butts, and if I had any prayer requests.

Then, out of nowhere she asks if I would pray about stepping up into a children's leadership role.  Not a volunteer, a regular teacher.  I hadn't even had the chance to volunteer yet!  I said I would pray about it.

Of course, it didn't take long to get my answer.  But I was so torn.  But being torn always means the same thing.

TORN- the state of battling between what I want and what God wants.  Being torn between flesh and spirit.

Usually when I feel torn about something it's because my flesh is saying one thing, and the Spirit is saying another.

I saw the impossibility.  I thought about my responsibility to teach Bella.  How would I get everything done?  Forget cleaning the house!  I was looking at my schedule, and I just didn't see how I could possibly commit to Tuesday and Wednesday mornings...and how I could possibly get to both of those days even earlier, when I was hardly ever making it to BSF on time as it was!

But God...

How many times do we see those words throughout Scripture?  Countless.

The Lord encouraged me to open up my planner.  To truly look at how I spend my time.  How much time do I waste on meaningless things?  how much time was I wasting simply because I was stressed out or worried?  Was it truly impossible?

God never fails to amaze me.

When I sat down and actually looked at all of the necessary things that needed to be done, there was room for it all.  All of Bella's schoolwork, without cutting corners, free play for the kids, Bella's Gymnastics, chores, BSF, BSF training, and I even discovered extra time that could be set aside for play dates or trips to the farm for milk!  

Neil gave me his support, so I set up a time to meet with the BSF leader.  In that time, I just kept receiving confirmations.  We tried out our tentative new schedule, and we loved it!  I felt less stressed.  I felt like I actually had some free time.

After meeting with my leader, there was all kinds of paperwork, background check, references, etc. that had to be done...but, The Lord caused everything to get filled out, approved, checked, and people called almost overnight.

Last Monday, Neil attended his first BSF Men's class ever.  

Last Tuesday I attended my first Leadership meeting.  I left in awe.  I felt like a dwarf among spiritual giants.  How in the world did I receive the absolute privilege of being spurred along by such amazing women of God?  And talk about training in prayer!  Oh my goodness!

Of course, spiritual warfare had to come in at some point.  Neil having more accountability and getting into the Word more...ALL of us studying the same thing in the Word, causing much different conversations to take place at dinner and everywhere.  me stepping up into leadership.  all in the same week?  

But to me it was just confirmation.

On the way home from training, I started feeling like I had fever...a couple hours later the body aches started...great.  But God used my homeopath to heal.  By 11:45pm, no chills and no body aches.  By morning, I was feeling wonderful, minus a runny nose.

So, I started classroom training during regular BSF.  Observing the co-leaders.  Watching how they handled discipline, teaching, and everything they do.

More spiritual warfare.  Everyone was battling sickness.  Neil got the flu-like symptoms I had gotten.  Again, God used Homeopathy to heal.  We still have sniffles.  All of us.  The enemy has attacked our home - the atmosphere, children's obedience, my moods, attitudes, etc.  I left Leadership training this week in tears.  Not because of being overwhelmed with what I need to learn, but because the enemy was attacking me with condemnation.  Making me feel like I was in no place to teach children.  Bringing on the guilt. 

BUT...God has a way of transforming us and we are never the same.  Two months ago, I would have given in.  I would have started feeling guilty, condemned, and had a horrible attitude.  Not this time.  I stood on God's promises.  I claimed God's Truths.  That He had called me to this place.  

What I didn't realize when God called me to step down from praise team was this:

He was calling me to give up something that wasn't growing my faith, so that He could put me in a place where I have to have utter dependence on Him, so that my Faith could grow.

With praise team, I was going through the motions.  I wasn't depending on God to help me accomplish something.  I had been singing and doing praise team for so long that it was just simply what I did.  It wasn't growing my faith.  It wasn't requiring dependence on Him alone.

The battles that I have fought haven't been for nothing.  If I felt like I was Mom of the Year, I wouldn't be as dependant on God right now, and He wouldn't receive the glory for everything going on.  But because of the struggles, because of my feelings of unworthiness, God is able to show me that He does not choose us based on good works, or how powerful we are, or the strength of our character.  No.  His Grace is based on His Goodness, not mine.  He reminds me that I am hidden in Christ (Col. 3), so that he no longer sees me and my filthy rags, but instead sees the Righteousness of Christ.  I can't claim to understand it, but I stand on it, in Faith.

I also know that the enemy has a way of attacking God's people in the exact place that God is calling them to.  His goal is to discourage.  To make us feel as though we will never be able to do the very thing that God wants us to do.  I have had to battle with thoughts of "how could I possibly teach other people's kids, when I don't even feel like I'm doing anything right with my own kids?"  Isn't that so sly of the enemy?

Months ago I journaled this thought: 

"Could orphans be my destiny?  Could taking care of many children be the very thing that You want me to do?  Children have been my passion, yet it is with my own children where I feel the most vulnerable to lies from the enemy.  Could you be pruning me back, testing my patience, and building my character with my own flesh and blood, so that those children that are not from my own flesh receive true love that embodies and exemplifies Your Nature? "

God uses every bit of it for His Glory.  He uses it to draw us closer to himself.  To prune us.  To refine us.  To put us in a place of complete surrender and complete dependence on Him.  To put us in a place where prayer is necessary, then see how prayer works.

And where is God proving Himself to me right now?  Prayer.

I heard a quote from C.S. Lewis that ended with this: "prayer doesn't change God; it changes me."

It changes my thoughts.  It changes my attitudes.  It prepares me for Battle.  It draws me closer to the Savior.  And God uses it to prove Himself faithful.

He is always faithful.

He is causing all things to come together for Good.

He always does.

Always.

A Conversation with Bella

  I know this is a very random post considering how long it's been since I posted anything, but this just brought my heart a strange Joy, and wanted to share.

Bella: Mommy, where am I going to live when I'm a mommy?

Me: I don't know, Bella.  You will live wherever God wants you to live.

Bella: Maybe I'll live in Granbury.

Me: Or somewhere else in Texas, or Louisiana, or New York...

Bella: Or South America!

Me: Ha!  Yes, Bella.  Maybe South America.

Bella: I think when I get big I'm going to give food to children that don't have any.  What's that place called again, Mommy?

Me: South America?

Bella: No, no... The place we talked about yesterday.  The place where kids don't have food to eat...

Me: Are you talking about starving kids in Africa?

Bella: Yes!

Me: Bella, there are starving kids all over the world, even in America.  Not just Africa.

Bella:  yeah...I know, but I think I'll go to Africa.  Since the kids don't have any food, I'll just take a LOT of food with me to Africa so I can give it to them.

Me: you're going to take all the food with you?

Bella: Yes!  They need food!

The day before, Bella had complained that she was "STARVING".  I have issues with that term, because some people are truly starving, and we use the word so lightly to describe a slight discomfort when we haven't eaten in a couple of hours.  I'm sure I'm guilty of it too, but I suppose I'm noticing it more lately.

Anyway, I told Bella that she may feel hungry, but she wasn't "starving" unless she had gone a whole day or more (that is difficult enough for her to fathom at the moment) without eating, because she didn't have any food, or any money to get food.  Like kids in Africa that don't have food.  I then mentioned that there are children everywhere in the world starving.  America too.  This wasn't our first "talk" about those who don't have food, but apparently Africa stuck with her.  Apparently Bella is going to Africa.  And she's taking a lot of food.

But it makes my heart glad to see and hear her concern for those that she doesn't even know.

A child understands injustice and wants to do something about it.  Hungry children were obviously on her heart.

What is on mine?

Good-bye...and Hello

Good-bye anti-depressants!  I hope you won't be offended, but I won't be missing you one bit.  I needed you as a crutch for a while, but now that I'm getting healthy again, and feeling better, you were only making me feel worse.

Good-bye Acne!  I'm getting the nutrients that my body needs, so they aren't being stolen from my skin anymore...I can go without makeup again without feeling horribly awkward/embarrassed...and I can do it without using Acne fighting face wash or treatments...finally. 

Good-bye mood swings!  I feel like myself again.  Even when I'm angry or stressed out for the moment, self control is possible, and yelling isn't my line of defense.  I can show patience again.  I'm less easily irritated.  I'm actually enjoying my children and wanting to really play with them- and other kids too!  I don't go berserk when my surroundings get loud.  I can stop and think, breathe, etc. when I feel the least bit overwhelmed.  I like to cuddle again...and tickle...and play hide and seek...

Good-bye fatigue!  I feel motivated AND I have the energy to do whatever I'm motivated to do.

Good-bye Stress!  I feel like I can finally relax.  Take a load off.  Go with the flow.  Let things roll off my back.  Deal with issues as they arise calmly.  I do everything better without your toxic presence.

Hello genuine smiles.

Hello joyful laughter.

Hello wit.  You've been lacking.

Hello caring what I look like and wanting to look cute for my hubby.

Hello quality time.

Hello better time management.

Hello completed projects.

Hello dancing parties in the living room.

Hello "crazy" me.

Hello "Pammy hugs".

Hello extroverted side.  I've missed you.

Hello late night delirious giggles.

Hello so many parts of me that haven't been here in a while.

Hello Healing.

Thank you, my Healer

You get every bit of the glory.

My New Adventure: Homeopathy, Butter, and Getting Healthy Again

I went to a local dairy farm today. All the dairy comes from grass(not treated with pesticides)-fed Jersey cows that are not given any extra hormones.  It isn't pasteurized or homogenized.  I bought 2 gallons of raw milk, a quart of cream, a quart of yogurt, and a pound of cheddar cheese.

Bella, Balian, and Isaiah got to see a bunch of calves, one of which was very vocal with his mooing.

Before you start getting hysterical on me about how I'm going to end up in the hospital because of diseased milk, let me 'splain.  Just FYI:

In Texas, to sell raw milk, it has to be bought on the primes is of the farm, and the farm has to have a dairy retail permit.  In order to keep their permit to sell raw milk, the milk is tested once a month for any disease that people tend to think would be in unpaseurized milk (TB, etc.).

Now, let me backtrack a bit.

My Doc put me on anti-depressants.  At the time, it was a good move, because I was a wreck. For. Real.

BUT, it wasn't something I was ok with being on long-term, or for LIFE!  I felt better for the first month or so, but then, just as I had suspected, medicating didn't get to the root of the problem, but rather masked symptoms, and my symptoms started coming back.  Not ALL of them, but most of them.

I just kept having this thought that it was a nutrition issue.  Was something I was eating, not eating, etc., causing a lot of my symptoms?

I looked into the gluten thing.  I mean I had something crazy like 14 symptoms associated with gluten intolerance, and so many people seem to be sensitive to wheat, right?  It was worth a shot.  But after trying to go gluten-free for a couple of weeks, I didn't feel any better.

I really wasn't feeling depressed.  I was anxious.  Stressed out to the point that my back was tense ALL the time.  Constant loud noise just sent me through the roof, and with 3 kids noise is inevitable.  Too much going on at once, like during school-time when I was trying to teach Bella and the boys were occupied (but still moving, wiggling, or talking), were the absolute worst times.  I just couldn't handle it.

My time with Jesus- fabulous.  I feel closer to The Lord than I ever have.  Getting into the Word.  Doing prayer-walks, journaling, writing songs, and really the most constant communication I have had with Him, ever.  Actually being able to hear those still small whispers as if they were screams, at times.

I'll admit that I haven't been running lately.  I know that's huge, but seriously.  Anyone that has 3 kids and is a night owl that doesn't like to run at night, and can't get her butt out of bed any earlier...if you are able to find a way to fit it in with little ones and homeschool...along with everything else, then by all means, PLEASE share your wealth of knowledge as to how you fit it in :)

The other thing that I have thought about is that this is the first place I have lived since I started college that I haven't been a part of a small group, or had a close-knit circle of girlfriends.  I have a few girlfriends that I know from all different places, and we also have a home church.  I usually get together (via play dates) with one of my girls every week.  But one-on-one time with these ladies has been rare, if at all.  I am so thankful for carpooling to BSF with my friend, Dani.  That 45-minute drive has been such a blessing, kids in tow and all :)

I won't always be surrounded with community.  And sometimes, even when I am, I go through times of loneliness.  But honestly, right now, I don't feel lonely.  I really think that this is one of those times that God has been teaching me that He is enough.  I can only truly be satisfied in Him anyway.  Friends, fellowship, and true community are amazing Blessings, but we won't always be in a time of plenty, and wealth has many faces.  We always tend to think about money, but sometimes it's simply having a wealth of community.  Right now, my wealth is communion with The Lord. 

Jamie is a new friend of mine.  I met her at church, when she and her family moved back to Granbury from doing missions in Germany.  She is homeschooling her daughter, Victoria, who is Bella's age, and has become Bella's BFF.  She and I seem to be very like-minded, always looking for the most natural way to do things.  Talking to Jamie about the past 3 years, she just kept saying "You need to go see Barbara."

Barbara is a classic Homeopath, meaning she practices Homeopathy, or natural healing.  It's not weird.  It's actually quite logical.  Most MDs will look at the symptoms, and when you have a lot of different types of symptoms, they tend to think they are separate things.  Homeopathy looks at the whole person- physical symptoms, emotional symptoms, life events, etc., and they try to get to the root of the problem, and find how the symptoms are somehow connected.  A Homeopath will spend hours pouring over one case, trying to fit all the pieces together.

Barbara is not only a Homeopath, but she also has a background in psychology and nutrition as well.  And she at least believes that God is the Creator, based on our conversation.

She took one look at my symptoms, and said immediately that I had a lot of vitamin deficiencies.

As we dug deeper and got into medical history, life events, diet, etc., she just kept taking notes...and kept shaking her head.  Like she was saying,"this poor girl is so messed up..."

3 years ago, my labor with Balian was pretty traumatic.  Induced with Pitocin, without pain meds. They broke my water.  Fast delivery without pushing. Cord wrapped around his neck.  Body went into shock after.  Had to give me a shot to stop me from hemmoraging.  Insane, really.  For those that don't know labors otherwise, this really isn't normal.  It isn't natural.  My body rebelled.

Because of losing a lot of blood, I became deficient in vitamins and minerals necessary to deal with stress.  Add to that, not only the stress of the labor, and adjusting to a new baby, but also getting out of the Navy, moving twice in 2 months and ending up halfway across the country, the unexpected future because of Neil not having a job lined up yet, finding a home...and you get the picture.  I just couldn't handle it all.

My deficiencies continued.

The ironic part is that Barbara said that I was showing a lot of B-vitamin deficiencies, and my blood work, via the MD, came back normal, and my B12 looked amazing on paper.  Barbara explained to me that it can take up to 30 years for b-vitamin deficiencies to show up in blood work, because the body takes from vitamin stores...meaning the skin, the gums and teeth...other places in the body that need those vitamins as well (think pregnancy gengivitis, for example).  So...when symptoms show up, it is the body's way of saying it needs more nutrients.

Then, we went on a vegan diet.  Healthiest thing you can do, right?  Apparently not.  

I not only left that appointment with 3 raw vitamin supplements (you don't want to know what's in them), and a homeopathic remedy, but I also received a very different lesson on nutrition than what I have ever been taught.

When you hear "if you don't do anything else, please eat coconut oil and REAL, full-fat butter", you kinda do a double-take.

Barbara recommended that Neil and I read this book:

Interesting, huh?

Raw milk.  Culturing your own milk. Soaking flour before using it.  Sprouting grains.  Grass-fed cows.  Organic free-range eggs.  No chocolate.  Only (true) natural sweeteners.  Nothing processed.

And I thought cooking would get easier...

Pretty much the book takes nutrition back to the way that cultures have eaten traditionally, forever.

It goes so much more in depth than I have ever read about nutrition.  And that says a lot.  I've read a lot.

We typically hear that animal fats cause blocked arteries.  But we never hear that the reason behind it is not the animal products themselves, but rather the processing of them, or the way that animals are raised.

In brief, if we just consume things the proper way, the natural way that God created them, and stop mucking everything up, we would all be much, much healthier.

Not just in the way things are processed, but even the processes we use to do our cooking.

Pretty eye-opening.

But so far, I'm feeling pretty good because of the supplements, and hopefully changing my diet will help keep me from being deficient in the vitamins I need.

When I have "accidentally" forgotten to take my Rx, I've felt better, and had much better days than when I have taken it, if that says anything.

Only time will tell.

In the meantime...I've got a quart of pure cream sitting on the counter so it will sour...so I can turn it into butter and buttermilk in the morning.  Butter to cook with, and buttermilk to soak my flour in so my body digests it more easily.

Food for thought, huh?

I'd love to see your comments on this one ;)

Trust and Obey

  How many times have I told my children they need to listen, and obey- right away, all the way, in a happy way?  So many times I have wondered if I have been any kind of example for them to follow.  Do I obey God right away, all the way, in a happy way?  Or, do I hesitate, delay my obedience, only do as much as I feel comfortable doing, or grumble about what I'm supposed to do when I actually do it?

This week I have been studying about Abraham's call from God to leave everything he had known and go wherever God led him.  He had no clue where he was going when he left, and yet, he brought everyone and everything he had with him on his journey- never questioning God, but simply obeying, knowing that He who has promised is faithful.

Then, when God told Abraham to sacrifice his only son- the one in whom God said Abraham's promise would begin to be fulfilled through, he still trusted that God would keep his promise.  That He would make a way, even if it meant raising Issac from the dead. He trusted God completely, and obeyed God one step at a time, calmly and confidently.  He knew that whatever God spoke would come to pass.  Every promise would be fulfilled.  

What an incredible example of true faith and trust in God alone.

In the midst of studying Abraham, God's Word seemed to be screaming at me, if that is possible.  You see, there is this thing that the Holy Spirit has whispered softly on occasion to me over the past couple of months - putting a bug in my ear so to speak.  I never had confirmation of what I was supposed to do, but I have been praying for it.

My answer came through God's Word, and the gentle (or not so gentle) voice of the Holy Spirit.  As I'm reading and studying, He says "you know that thing that you've been wondering about- the thing that you wanted confirmation about- yeah, you need to follow Abraham's example.  I need you to act in faith and obey."

I suppose true faith comes when we give up the very thing we love the most.

Even if it is something that God has completely directed our path in.  When His fingerprints are everywhere.  When you question "surely you don't mean that, Lord."

Maybe He just wants me to show Him that I care for Him and love Him more than any hope, dream, or desire.  To show Him I love Him, the Gift- Giver more than I love the gift.  That I will trust, obey, and follow Him no matter the cost.  To make sure that He, rather than me, will be glorified.

I don't know the reason.  I don't understand it.  I have no idea what is ahead.

Does He want me to give up something good, so that He can give me His Best?

Is it simply a test of faith and obedience?

Is it a change of seasons in my life?

I have no clue.

God has asked me to step down from Praise team.

Even though music has been the constant thing in my life since I was 4 years old.

Even though God, not me, put me in specific places of leadership or training to equip me as a worship leader.

Even though our praise team hasn't finished our CD that has 2 of the songs God gave me on it.

Even though, only 2 weeks ago, He gave me this huge burst of creativity, and in a week, we finished or wrote completely 4 new songs He put on my heart.

Even though as far as we know, we are staying right where we are, in Granbury, and at Generations Church.

There are so many of those "Even though..."s.

And yet, all He has asked is for simple obedience.  Simple trust.  Simple faith.

It is definitely not simple.  Not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

But it doesn't matter.

These are the words to one of the songs I was given:

"The more I seek your face the more I seem to find my way,

It's in losing all of me that I bring glory to your name.

Help me lose control, and gain your strength, as I disappear in you,

Make less and less of me until your Spirit shines through

I need you, Lord

And with every passing hour, I know I need you more than ever

I need you more

I could never get enough of you

I need your Grace to pull me through

I need your love, oh Lord, I need you more

Take my hopes and dreams, and all my plans, and make them what you will

Take everything that's of myself, everything that's not of you

For nothing in this world could offer anything you give

Who else could speak to dead men's bones, breathe life, and make them live?

I give up

I know I'm nothing without you

Pour me out, pour me out

No matter what the cost, 

I know without you I am lost

But now, I'm finding you"

It's always amazing how God prepares my heart for the next step through giving me songs.  He is literally singing over me.

How could I NOT trust Him?

I met with our worship pastor this evening.  He wasn't happy that God was taking me away, but he released me and blessed me, and encouraged me in my walk of faith.

And that is what I am doing; walking in faith.

Now I have to be still, and do what I know to do as I wait, until in His time, He calls me to whatever His will for me may be.

May God receive Glory for whatever He is doing in me.

He who has promised is faithful.  Always.

Where's Isaiah?

Here is my lil' man showing his precious personality.  I know I'm biased, but by golly, he is the cutest kid ever! :)

Bella's Salvation Story

  My baby girl received the gift of Salvation today.

I have no doubt in my mind that it was a true heart transformation rather than simply understanding in her head.  I knew that she had wrapped her mind around it.  You can look at this post for that understanding.

But today was much different.

She knows the story.  She could tell you how you get to heaven and live with Jesus forever.  She could quote Psalm 23, or tell you all about Jonah, Joshua, Moses, Paul, Adam and Eve, and Jesus.  She sings songs to God constantly - even makes up her own.

But I was always not really sure about where she truly stood in relationship with God.  I had never seen her have a heart of true repentance.

But God...

How many times do we see those words in Scripture?

This week we have been studying about Cain and Able.  We opened God's Word together at home, we talked about it while driving in the car, and we learned even more about it at BSF.

And can I just pause here and share how amazing our God is!

Bella came home after church on Sunday with a cough and a fever of about 102.

Monday was even worse.  Her fever spiked up to 103.9 at one point. 

Tuesday she seemed to be getting better.  No medicine required to keep the fever down to low-grade.

Wednesday morning, she woke up without fever and feeling fine.

Wednesday is BSF day.  Usually I have this 24- hr. rule about fever.  If they have any fever 24 hours before they could potentially expose other kids, then we don't go.  That simple.

Wednesday morning, I thought well, low-grade yesterday, no fever this morning...she should be good to go.  That 24- hr. rule kept coming to mind, but I felt an even stronger nudging (the unquestionable kind) that we should go.  That we were going.  No questions asked.  No looking back.

When Bella arrived at her class, her teacher drew a heart on her hand and put a letter "o" inside the heart.  She told Bella that God wants us to obey Him in our hearts.

For some reason I just wanted to cry right there in the hallway.

So Bella learned all about Cain and Able.  How Able obeyed God in his heart, but Cain sinned against God in his heart.

After we got home from BSF, Bella's temp skyrocketed again to 102.8.

Of course this made me immediately feel horrible for going to BSF and exposing other kids to who knows what.

(Called the doc, went to get her checked out this morning, and she had a smidge of pneumonia.  We caught it very early.  He said it probably just started out as a cold that just settled into her lungs.)

Ok, now it's been a crazy kind of day.  Driving to Cleburne to the doctor, getting a prescription filled....oh, and Isaiah refused to take a nap because he took a cat- nap on the 20- minute drive home from CVS :(

I had asked Bella and Balian to clean up some of their stuff.  Yes, I realize she has pneumonia, but if she felt good enough to play outside and ride her bike in the driveway, she felt good enough to pick up her toys...

I was in the kitchen, with a screaming toddler at my ankles, attempting to get dinner started.  We have a pass-through from our kitchen to living room.  Bella came to the living room, crying, and was trying to talk to me about something.  I couldn't hear her because of the screaming child, so I asked her to come into the kitchen.

Then she said, "Mommy, Jesus just told me something that I don't like."

The past 2 weeks or so, Bella has been telling me at random times that Jesus told her                 .  But this was a new one.  I didn't know weather it was conviction, or if I was going to need to speak Truth over a lie of the enemy.

So, very cautiously, I asked her what Jesus had told her.

"Jesus told me that I need to obey, even if I don't want to."

Yup, that was the Holy Spirit alright.

"Yes, that's true, Bella.  I too have to obey even when I don't want to."

"I try really hard to obey, Mommy, but I just don't know how." (Sobbing)

"And I don't obey all the time either.  You know why?"

Shakes her head no.

"Because of sin.  We all sin.  We all have sin in our heart."

"My sin is blocking the Holy Spirit from my heart!" 

I think I had to pick my jaw up off the floor...how in the world does she understand such things at her age?

She is almost hysterical at this point.

"Bella, that is why we have Jesus.  That's why Jesus died for you.  You don't have to have sin in your heart.  Jesus already died for ALL of your sin.  Every sin you have already done.  Every sin you will do.  He already knew what you would do, but He died for you anyway.  He loves you, and He wants to take your sin away.  All you have to do is tell Jesus that you are sorry, tell Him what you are sorry for, then ask Him to forgive you.  And you know what?  He will.  As soon as you ask, because He already knows your heart.  He already sees that you are sorry.  He just wants to hear it from you."

"I don't like the sin in my heart."

"You know what, Bella, that is a very good thing."

"Why?"

"Because if we hate our sin, it shows that we really love Jesus."

"I DO love Jesus!"

"I know you do.  No doubt about it.  You love Jesus.  Now, do you want to talk to Him and tell Him that you are sorry?"

"Can you talk to Jesus for me?"

"No, Bella.  You have to be the one to talk to Him.  He needs to hear it from you.  He wants to hear it from your heart.  I can't tell Him that you are sorry.  Only you can do that.  If you want me to, I can start out and Pray for you, then you can pray, and ask Jesus to forgive you."

"Ok."

So I prayed for Bella, thanking God for the Work He had done in her heart.  For the beautiful child that she is.

Then Bella said simply, with a true child-like faith, "Jesus, I'm sorry for disobeying you.  Can you please take the sin out of my heart?"

I told her that Jesus was quick to forgive those that come to Him truly sorry for their sin.

She was still sobbing, and now coughing.

I told her that her sin was gone.  That she had nothing to be upset about anymore.  No reason to feel guilty or shameful.  She had been forgiven!  I told her that Satan likes to make us feel guilty, but it's only a lie.

"I don't want Satan in my heart!  I don't want sin in my heart!"

"All you have to do is tell him to leave in the Name of Jesus, and he will.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Jesus is stronger and has power over the enemy.  Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.  You know what that means?"

Shakes her head no.

"Jesus living in your heart through the Holy Spirit is stronger than Satan."

"What does resist mean?"

"Fight."

"Satan go away in the name of Jesus!"

She starts sobbing more and more.  Coughing more.  She was crying so hard that she ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Yeah, I'd say that's true repentance.

I finally picked up the screaming toddler.  For some reason I was able to just tune him out and focus on Bella, when ordinarily, that would have been almost impossible.

But it is a testimony that God's plans will never be thwarted.

No matter how much the enemy may try.

No sickness, no fever...

No screaming toddler...

No attempts of the enemy to hurt our relationship, or use me as a stumbling block in her life because of my not-so-perfect example...

Nothing can seperate us from the love of the Father.  

Nothing can stop God from completing His will.

It is a testimony of my God being stronger.

Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for beginning a good work in Bella's heart.  I know that I can do nothing to change a heart.  To transform a heart to love you.  Only you can make transformation happen.  Thank you for stirring up Bella's heart, for bringing her from darkness into Light.  Thank you for guiding my feet, and speaking through me.  Thank you for the precious, priceless gift of Salvation.  For the forgiveness of sin.  For the hope we have both here, on earth, and for eternity.

You are Good.

The only One that is Good.

May you receive every bit of glory for the work you have begun.

I know that you will finish the work that you have started.  You will see it to completion, when we stand before you on Your throne.

Hallelujah!

Word for Word

Bella has had fever the past couple of days, but today she was feeling a little better...

Bella: "Mommy, can I watch a movie?"

Me: "no...you're feeling a lot better today, so I think you should play outside.  It's very pretty today."

Bella: "But Mommy, if I go outside, then I'll have to run, and my tummy hurts when I run."

Me: "You don't have to run.  You can walk, or-"

Bella: (upset, starting to tear up) "-But the grass makes me run!"

October Hymn of the Month: For the Beauty of the Earth

It's amazing how every song seems to reflect what I am studying at the moment.  This year I am studying Genesis, and when singing this hymn, I'm thinking of all the Truth that begins with Genesis 1:1 and beyond.  

For the beauty of the earth,

For the beauty of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our hymn of grateful praise.

For the beauty of each hour

Of the day and of the night,

Hill and vale, and tree and flower,

Sun and moon and stars of light,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our hymn of grateful praise.

For the joy of human love,

Brother, sister, parent, child,

Friends on earth, and friends above,

Pleasures pure and undefiled,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our hymn of grateful praise.

For each perfect gift of thine,

To our race so freely given,

Graces human and divine,

Flowers of earth and buds of heaven,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our hymn of grateful praise.

For thy Church which evermore

Lifteth holy hands above,

Offering up on every shore

Her pure sacrifice of love,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our hymn of grateful praise.

Sandboxes and Sailboats

A little bit of this...a tid-bit of that...

First, there is Balian.

He can count to...well, I can't keep count.

He recognizes numbers up to 20 or so.

He can count with 1-to-1 correlation.

So I gave him a project that I gave Bella only a year or so ago...and he did it perfectly!

I initially had to show him/explain to him what I wanted him to do, but once that was over, he had no problem putting his number flashcards in order from 1-10 (they were mixed up), then using counters and putting the correct number of counters under each number.

The next day, he did it again, completely on his own, without me having to re-explain what he needed to do.

Yes, my son hates wearing pants...

Balian also had a birthday.  We decided to do a fun family day trip rather than a party.  We celebrated by going to downtown Grapevine and taking a ride on the Tarantula train.  It's an old vintage steam-engine that is still running.

Balian loves trains.  The entire first half (30 min.) of the train ride, he had a huge smile on his face and just kept saying over and over "This is SO FUN!", with a HUGE grin on his face.

My sister still needs to send me pictures that I took on her camera.

Balian's gift from Neil and I was a sand table.  We wanted to give him something for all 3 kids to play together...outside!  A sand table was perfect.  Neil was hesitant at first, but once the kids started playing in it, he said that it was worth the work to build it. (which only took a couple of hours.) Neil got instructions online, but made it taller than the instructions said.  I think we figured out that the grand total for making this baby (including the sand and the plastic bin) was about $40.

All 3 kids have been playing in it almost non-stop.  We had to pull up a stool so Isaiah could play, but he doesn't mind...and he loves every minute of his sandy fun.

I made Bella a sewing basket.  She has loved to practice sewing with yarn, a plastic needle, and no-slip shelf liner in an embroidery hoop.  She has started to attempt sewing buttons.  I think she's ready to step it up to some cross-stitching fabric, a needlepoint needle (blunt and metal), and embroidery thread, so she can really work on sewing those buttons.

While Bella was sewing, Isaiah had fun putting pipe-cleaners into the holes of a Parmesan container.  A fabulous activity to encourage fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination.

Today, our Science lesson was learning about wind.

We made sailboats from food storage containers, paper, straws, and a bit of tape.

Easier said than done.

Then we filled up the big cooler with water...and sailed away.

Bella wanted her 2 Belles to experience sailing as well.

She blew at the sailboat and saw what wind does to sailboats.

We can't see the wind, but we can hear it and feel it, and we can see the affects of it with swaying trees, huge waves, and the like.

After our Science lesson the kids all had fun playing in the water...and getting drenched from head to toe.  Literally.

The joys of being a child! :)

And Bella is wearing an up-cycled dress I made.  Check it out in the post below.